None of my own work, but some worth memorising
Itâs hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen.
Iâve come across decomposed bodies that are less offensive than you are.
Iâve had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.
Iâve hated your looks from the start they gave me.
Iâve only got one nerve left, and youâre getting on it.
Iâve seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
Judging by the old saying, âWhat you donât know canât hurt you,â heâs practically invulnerable.
Keep talking, someday youâll say something intelligent!
Keep talking. I always yawn when Iâm interested.
Learn from your parentsâ mistakes - use birth control!
Letâs play horse. Iâll be the front end and you be yourself.
Letâs play house. You be the door and Iâll slam you.
Look, donât go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know youâve got a palm.
Make a mental note . . . oh, I see youâre out of paper!
Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.
Man alive! But I wish you werenât.
Moonlight becomes you - total darkness even more!
Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?
No one will ever know that youâve had a lobotomy, if you wear a wig to hide to the scars and learn to control the slobbering.
Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave good-bye.
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
Of all the people Iâve met youâre certainly one of them.
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
Pardon me, but youâve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a â â â â .
People canât say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
People clap when they see you - their hands over their eyes or ears.
People say that you are outspoken but not by anyone that I know of.
People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect but you are doing all right.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Please breathe the other way. Youâre bleaching my hair.
She could eat a watermelon through a picket fence!
She had a mouth dirtier than a wicker toilet seat.
She has a nice butter face. Everything looks nice, but her face.
She thinks the rearview mirror is for putting on make-up.
She was another one of his near Mrs.
Sheâs a lot like train tracks - sheâs been laid across the country.
Sheâs got a body that wonât quit and a brain that wonât start.
Sheâs got more chins than the Hong Kong telephone book.
Sheâs like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border.
Sheâs so ugly they used to put a pot roast in her lap so the dog would play with her.
Sheâs so ugly, sheâd make a freight train take a dirt road!
Sit down and give your mind a rest.
Slit your wrists - it will lower your blood pressure.
So stupid, he moves his lips when watching TV.
So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadnât.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Some folks are so dumb, they have to be watered twice a week.
Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.
Some people donât hesitate to speak their minds because they have nothing to lose.
Somebody else is doing the driving for that boy!
Someday youâll go far, if you catch the right train.
Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for you and said, âoh yes she is.â
Someone took a photo of you once but it didnât turn out. You could be seen too clearly.
Take a vacation; go to Club Dead.
Take off that mask! Donât you think itâs a little early for Halloween?
Talk is cheap, but so are you.
Thatâs a very meaty question and Iâd like to give it a very meaty answer -baloney!
The closest she/heâll ever get to a brainstorm is a slight drizzle.
The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.
The going got weird and he turned pro.
The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.
The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?
The only thing he brought to this job was his car.
The overwhelming power of the â â â drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.
The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.
The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
The wheel is still spinning but the hamster died.
There are only two things I dislike about her - her face.
There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. Itâs for people who are dead from the neck up.
They said you were a great asset. I told them they were off by two letters.
They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
They say space is a dangerous place . . . especially if itâs between your ears!
They say that travel broadens one. You must have been around the world.
They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.
They say truth is stranger than fiction. Look, your mother gave birth to you.
They shot him through the stupid forest, and he didnât miss a tree.
Thinking isnât your strong suit, is it?
This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.
Too bad stupidity isnât painful.
We all spring from apes but you didnât spring far enough.
We do not complain about your shortcomings but about your long stayings.
We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, âDo not come home and all will be forgiven.â
We know that you would give your life for us. Promises, promises!
We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?
We know you could not live without us. Weâll pay for the funeral.
Weâll get along fine as soon as you realize Iâm God.
Well, Iâll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much.
What color is the sky in your world?
What he lacks in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.
Whatever is eating you - must be suffering horribly.
Whatâs the latest dope - besides you?
When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth, you were holding an umbrella.
When I look into your eyes, I see the back of your head.
When you die, Iâd like to go to your funeral but Iâll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.
When you die, you should have your brain donated to science. I hear theyâre trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.
When you feel terrific, notify your face.
When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down.
When you get run over by a car it shouldnât be listed under accidents.
When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, Iâll say your stupidity.
When you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.
When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a mistake!
Whom am I calling âstupidâ? I donât know. Whatâs your name?
Why donât you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?
With a mind like yours, who needs a body?
Worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe.
Would you like some cheese and crackers to go with that whine?
Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? Iâll arrange it with the undertaker.
You always have your ear to the ground. So howâs life in the gutter?
You are a man of the world â and you know what sad shape the world is in.
You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goatâs â â â .
You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.
You are down to earth but not quite far down enough.
You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.
You are no longer beneath my contempt.
You are not as bad as people say - you are worse!
You are pretty as a picture and weâd love to hang you.
You are so boring that you canât even entertain a doubt.
You are so dishonest that I canât even be sure that what you tell me are lies!
You are so dumb you sit on the TV and watch the sofa.
You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jaywalking when all the time you were just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.
You are so stupid you got hit by a parked car
You are such a smart-â â â I bet you could sit on a carton of ice cream and tell what flavor it is.
You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesnât like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.
You could throw her in the river and skim ugly for two days.
You donât sweat much, for a fat girl.
You grow on people - like a wart!
You have a face only a mother could love - and she hates it!
You have a good weapon against muggers - your face!
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
You have a speech impediment ⌠your foot.
You have a striking face. Tell me, how many times were you struck there?
You have an inferiority complex - and itâs fully justified.
You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!
You liked your first chin so much, you added two more.
You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.
You must have a low opinion of people if you think theyâre your equals.
You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
You remind me of the ocean - you make me sick.
You say that you are always bright and early. Well OK, we know you are early.
You should be the poster child for birth control.
You should do some soul-searching. Maybe youâll find one.
You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light.
You should toss out more of your funny remarks; thatâs all theyâre good for.
You started at the bottom - and itâs been downhill ever since.
You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.
You were born because your mother didnât believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide.
You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.
You will never be able to live down to your reputation!
Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!
Your dog is so stupid, he chases parked cars.
Your family tree is good but you are the sap.
Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.
Your teeth are like stars - they come out at night.
Your verbosity is exceeded only by your stupidity.
Youâre a habit Iâd like to kick; with both feet.
Youâre acquitting yourself in a way that no jury ever would.
Youâre nobodyâs fool. Letâs see if we can get someone to adopt you.
Youâre not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
Youâre so dumb you thought Taco Bell was a phone company.
Youâre so fat when you jumped up you got stuck.
Youâre so fat you got baptized at Sea World.
Youâre so fat you laid down in the ocean and Spain claimed you as the New World.
Youâre so fat you saw 90210 on a scale.
Youâre so fat you use hoola-hoops to keep your socks up.
Youâre so fat, when you wear a yellow rain coat people scream ââtaxiââ.
Youâre so low you could milk a pregnant snake!
Youâre so old you drove a chariot to school.
Youâre so slow it takes you an hour and a half to watch âSixty Minutes.â
Youâre so small, you pose for trophies.
Youâre so stupid you threw a rock at the ground and missed.
Youâre so stupid you trip over the cord of a cellular phone!
Youâre so ugly when you went to a haunted house they offered you a job.
Youâre so ugly you almost look like your mother.
Youâre so ugly you have to trick or treat over the phone.
Youâre so ugly you make blind kids cry.
Youâre so ugly your husband goes everywhere alone.
Youâre so ugly your husband takes you with him everywhere he goes so he doesnât have to kiss you bye.
Youâre so ugly, when you walk into taco bell, EVERYONE runs for the border!
Youâre very smart. You have brains you never used.
Youâve got your head so far up your â â â you can chew your food twice.
Youâve never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.
A teacup would fit his head like a sombrero.
A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!
A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.
After meeting you, Iâve decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of â â â â â â .
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; itâs hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why donât you send them a penny and square the account?
Alone: In bad company.
And there he was: reigning supreme at number two.
Any friend of yours ⌠is a friend of yours.
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldnât have given you worse advice.
Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
Are you brain-dead?
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people - you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Believe me, I donât want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
Better at â â â than anyone, now all he needs is a partner.
Brains arenât everything. In fact, in your case theyâre nothing!
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Can I borrow your face for a few days while my â â â is on vacation?
Careful now, donât let your brains go to your head!
Converse with any plankton lately?
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today?
Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Did your parents have any children that lived?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if youâd had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.
Do you want do die stupid?
Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?
Doesnât know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesnât know the meaning of most words.
Donât feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
Donât get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
Donât let your mind wander â itâs too little to be let out alone.
Donât mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to match.
Donât thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure.
Donât think, it may sprain your brain!
Donât you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull?
Donât you love nature, despite what it did to you?
Donât you need a license to be that ugly?
Donât you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?
Ever since I saw you in your family tree Iâve wanted to cut it down.
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Fat? Youâre not fat, youâre just ⌠fat.
For two pence Iâd give you a piece of my mind - and all of yours.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. Itâll only take 10 seconds.
Go â â â â peas at the moon !!
Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your â â â .
Has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
Has the IQ of lint.
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
He can open his mail with that nose!
He can think without moving his lips!
He comes from a long line of real estate people â theyâre a vacant lot.
He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
He has a mind like a steel trap â always closed!
He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow.
He has more faces than Mount Rushmore.
He has one brain cell, and it is fighting for dominance.
He is always lost in thought â itâs unfamiliar territory.
He is dark and handsome. When itâs dark, heâs handsome.
He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is so conceited his eyes behold each other perfectly.
He is so short his hair smell like feet
He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
He is so old that his blood type was discontinued.
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He named the street he owned after his wife. What a grand statement of his love for her; for she was cold, hard, cracked, and only gets plowed around the holidays.
He smells the coffee, but canât find the pot / a cup.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.
Heâd steal the straw from his motherâs kennel.
Hello - tall, dark and obnoxious!
Hereâs 20 pence. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
Heâs got that far away look. The farther he gets, the better he looks.
Heâs just visiting this planet.
Heâs not stupid; heâs possessed by a retarded ghost.
Heâs so dense that light bends around him.
Heâs so fat, he has the only car in town with stretch marks.
Heâs so short he can sit on a piece of toilet paper and dangle his feet.
Heâs the first in his family born without a tail.
Heâs the only man who, if told to screw himself, could do it.
Heâs the reason brothers and sisters shouldnât marry.
Hey, act your age â senile!
Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.
Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.
Hi! Iâm a human being! What are you?
His brain waves fall a little short of the beach.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
His origins are so low, youâd have to limbo under his family tree.
His personalityâs split so many ways he goes alone for group therapy.
His suitcase doesnât have a handle.
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
How many years did it take you to learn how to breathe?
I always wanted to be a troubleshooter but now I see you are not worth it!
I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that youâve never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.
I canât seem to remember you name, and please donât help me!
I canât talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in ten years?
I certainly hope you are sterile.
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I donât consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I donât know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I donât know who you are, but whatever it is, Iâm sure everyone will agree with me.
I donât mind that you are talking so long as you donât mind that Iâm not listening.
I donât think you are a fool. But then whatâs MY opinion against thousands of others?
I donât want you to turn the other cheek. Itâs just as ugly.
I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.
I hear the only place youâre ever invited is outside.
I hear what youâre saying but I just donât care.
I hear you are an officer. Your rank is - just plain rank!
I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club cause they need someone to snub.
I hear you are connected to the Police Department â by a pair of handcuffs.
I hear you are very kind to animals so please give that face back to the gorilla.
I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!
I heard that your brother was an only child.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I know you are nobodyâs fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I know youâre a self-made man. Itâs nice of you to take the blame!
I know youâre not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
I like you. People say Iâve no taste, but I like you.
I like your approach, now letâs see your departure.
I reprimanded my son for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I understand you, but thousands wouldnât!
I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
I want nothing out of you but breathing, and very little of that!
I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.
I wonder how many angels could dance on his head?
I worship the ground that awaits you.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you canât count that high.
I would have liked to insult you, but with your intelligence you wouldnât get offended.
I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure.
I wouldnât â â â â in his ear if his brain was on fire!
Iâd hate to see you go, but Iâd love to watch you leave!
Iâd like to give you a going-away present ⌠but you have to do your part.
Iâd like to have the spitting concession his grave.
Iâd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Iâd like to leave you with one thought ⌠but Iâm not sure you have a place to put it!
Iâd like to see things from your point of view but I canât seem to get my head that far up my â â â . (Thanks, llaje)
Iâd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
Iâd rather pass a kidney stone than another night with you.
Iâd slap you senseless ⌠but I canât spare three seconds!
If brains were rain, you`d be a desert.
If I ever need a brain transplant, Iâd choose yours because Iâd want a brain that had never been used.
If I had a face like yours, Iâd sue my parents!
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, Iâm glad.
If I want any â â â â outta you Iâll squeeze your head.
If I want your stupid opinion, Iâll beat it out of you.
If I wanted to hear from an arse, Iâd â â â â .
If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldnât say hello, Iâd say boo!
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If manure were music, youâd be a brass band.
If â â â were fast food, youâd have an arch over your head.
If she was cast as Lady Godiva the horse would steal the show.
If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldnât be murder; it would be genocide!
If what you donât know canât hurt you, sheâs practically invulnerable.
If you act like an â â â , donât get insulted if people ride you.
If you donât like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
If you ever tax your brain, donât charge more than a penny.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you had another brain like the one youâve got, youâd still be a half-wit.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If you were a body of water, youâd be a kiddie pool.
If you were twice as smart, youâd still be stupid.
If your brain were chocolate, it wouldnât fill an M&M.
Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.
Iâll never forget the first time we met - although Iâll keep trying.
Iâm blonde, whatâs your excuse?
Iâm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Iâm glad to see youâre not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
Iâm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.
Iâm not as dumb as you look.
In the land of the witless, the half-wit is king.
Instead of being born again, why donât you just grow up?
Is that your nose or are you eating a banana?
It is mind over matter. I donât mind, because you donât matter.
It is such a shame to ruin such beautiful blonde hair by dying your roots black.
Youâre so ugly, you had tinted windows on your incubator.
Youâre the best at all you do - and all you do is make people hate you.