A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
‘Jesus knows you’re here.’
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
‘Jesus is watching you.’
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.
‘Yes’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you.’
The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘Moses,’ replied the bird.
‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’
I told my wife I was hearing voices from my underpants.
nothing new there she says.It’s your talking bllcks.
My mattress was rather hard so I tried sleeping on a trampoline.
The wife wasn’t impressed when i jumped into bed.She really hit the roof.
Absolutely devastated. A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and why during this terrible time? He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet…
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Bigtruck3:
Absolutely devastated. A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and why during this terrible time? He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet…
Now that is funny
STUDENT OBTAINED 0% IN AN EXAM!
I WOULD HAVE GIVEN HIM 100%! EACH ANSWER IS ABSOLUTELY GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT AND FUNNY TOO. THE TEACHER HAS NO SENSE OF HUMOUR.
Q1: IN WHICH BATTLE DID NAPOLEON DIE?
HIS LAST BATTLE.
Q2: WHERE WAS THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE SIGNED?
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.
Q3: RIVER RAVI FLOWS IN WHICH STATE?
LIQUID.
Q4: WHAT IS THE MAIN REASON FOR DIVORCE?
MARRIAGE.
Q5: WHAT IS THE MAIN REASON FOR FAILURE?
EXAMS.
Q6: WHAT CAN YOU NEVER EAT FOR BREAKFAST?
LUNCH & DINNER.
Q7: WHAT LOOKS LIKE HALF AN APPLE?
THE OTHER HALF.
Q8: IF YOU THROW A RED STONE INTO THE BLUE SEA WHAT WILL IT BECOME?
WET.
Q9: HOW CAN A MAN GO EIGHT DAYS WITHOUT SLEEPING?
NO PROBLEM, HE SLEEPS AT NIGHT.
Q10: HOW CAN YOU LIFT AN ELEPHANT WITH ONE HAND?
YOU WILL NEVER FIND AN ELEPHANT THAT HAS ONE HAND
Q11: IF YOU HAD THREE APPLES AND FOUR ORANGES IN ONE HAND AND FOUR APPLES AND THREE ORANGES IN OTHER HAND, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE?
VERY LARGE HANDS
Q12: IF IT TOOK EIGHT MEN TEN HOURS TO BUILD A WALL, HOW LONG WOULD IT TAKE FOUR MEN TO BUILD IT?
NO TIME AT ALL, THE WALL IS ALREADY BUILT
Q13: HOW CAN YOU DROP A RAW EGG ONTO A CONCRETE FLOOR WITHOUT CRACKING IT?
ANY WAY YOU WANT, CONCRETE FLOORS ARE VERY HARD TO CRACK.
Spread some laughter, share the cheer. Let’s be happy, while we’re here!
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT ■■?
This is bizarre!
How smart is Your Right Foot? ?
Just try this. It is from an orthopedic Surgeon…
This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can’t.
It’s preprogrammed in your Brain!
-
WITHOUT anyone watching you and while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
-
Now, while doing this, draw the number “6” in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction.
I told you so!!!
And there’s nothing you can do about it!
Send it to your friends and frustrate them too.
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own.
The answer is at the bottom for those who are unable to think this one through.
Here’s the riddle:
At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.
One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.
The other is getting oral ■■■ from an 85-year-old toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing… What are they both thinking?
Don’t Look Down
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
“Hang on! You’re a duck.”
“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.
“And you can talk!”
Exclaims the barman.
“I see your ears are working, too,”
Says the duck.
“Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”
“Certainly, sorry about that,”
Says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint.
“It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road,” Explains the duck.
“I’m a plasterer.”
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
“You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”
“Sounds marvellous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
“Get him to give me a call.”
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
“Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”
“I’m always looking for the next job,”
Says the duck.
“Where is it?”
“At the circus,”
Says the barman.
“The circus?”
Repeats the duck.
“That’s right,”
Replies the barman.
“The circus?”
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
“Yeah,” the barman replies.
“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.
“Of course,” the barman replies.
“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.
“That’s right!” says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says … . …
“What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!”
A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart
surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be
found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood
type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, in appreciation for giving his blood,
the Arab sent the Scotsman, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and
$50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go
through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than
happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a
thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate
his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be
generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money
…but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates.”
To this the Arab replied: “Aye laddie,
but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins.”
Four insurance companies are in competition.
One comes up with the slogan, “Coverage from the cradle to the grave.”
The Second one tries to improve on that with, “Coverage from the womb to the tomb.”
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, “From the sperm to the worm.”
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, “From the erection to the resurrection.”
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a ■■■■■? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St. Peter says, “Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.” St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a ■■■■■? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well once I fondled and stroked one.” St. Peter says, “Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.” All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, “Lisa! What seems to be the rush?” The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it”…
I saw a job advertised as a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies knickers, prepare fanny for waxing and rub oil in after waxing.
When i asked at the job centre
they said i had to go to Cornwall.
I said why, is that where the job is?
No they said thats where
the back of the freaking queue is!!
BANNED
Dear Mrs. Jones,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban him from the store.
Our complaints against your husband Mr. Jones, include, but are not limited to, the list below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
- January 5: Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.
- February 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s trollies when they weren’t looking.
- March 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the toilets.
- April 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Homewares. Get on it right away”. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor.
- May 4: Went to the Customer Service Desk and tried to reserve a pack of biscuits.
- June 14: Moved a “Caution - Wet Floor” sign to a carpeted area, which resulted in a customer slipping and falling over.
- August 15: Sat in a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
- September 3: Darted around the whole store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
- October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “Pick me! Pick me!”
- November 23: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
- December 2: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.”
- December 7: Parked his car in the trolley park:
Yours sincerely,
Mr. Neil Clarke, Store Manager
Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in
Dublin.
A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had the
same qualifications they were both asked to take a test and led to a quiet
room with no interruptions by the manager.
They both scored 19/20.
The manager went to Murphy and said,“Thanks for coming to the interview but we’ve decided to give the job to the Norwegian.”
Murphy says"And why would you be doing that ?We both got 19 correct and this being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should have got the job ?"
Manager “We have made our decision not on the correct answers but on the one you got wrong.”
Murphy “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other
?”
Manager "Simple, on question 17 the Norwegian wrote down “I don*t know.”
You put down “Neither do I.”
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she sat happily in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan.
One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The Fairy Godmother replied, “Well Cinderella since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was overjoyed. “I wish I was extremely wealthy”, she said.
Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.
“Oh thank you Fairy Godmother,” said Cinderella.
“Is there anything else you might wish for”, asked the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had.”
At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.
The Fairy Godmother said, “you have one wish remaining, what shall you have?”
Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man."Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.The Fairy Godmother again spoke “Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life,” and with that, she was gone.For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath,
“Bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don’t you?”
What’s hairy on the outside and moist inside, begins with a ‘C’ ends with a ‘T’ and has U’ and ‘N’ in the middle?
Answer: ‘COCONUT’
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon …
■■■■ off" she said, "they’re for the funeral
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, “Nothing.” The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, "About what? "At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.