Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get
Me Out of Here!’ Show bosses think she will do really well since she’s been
living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years.
I got sacked last night from serving in the Salvation Army soup kitchen,
ungrateful bleeders, all I said was, 'Hurry up for Z.B.‘s sake, some of us have got
homes to go to!’
Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big
fat bird who doesn’t gobble anymore.
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting
your bloody tee ready!
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife’s
voice from the kitchen, ‘what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or
lamb?’
I said, ‘Thank you, I’ll have chicken please’
She replied, ‘You’re having soup you fat ■■?, I was talking to the cat!’
Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.
Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go!
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he’s mainly black and brown with a small
white patch, so I’ve named him Birmingham .
In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and
says, ‘Curry OK?’
I said, ‘Go on then, just one song then bugger off’
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn
cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, ‘That’s just for starters!’
Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his ■■■■■ stuck in a condom
machine. They asked him what happened and he said, ‘The sign says, insert
£2 and push knob in’. 