Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get
Me Out of Here!’ Show bosses think she will do really well since she’s been
living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years.

I got sacked last night from serving in the Salvation Army soup kitchen,
ungrateful bleeders, all I said was, 'Hurry up for Z.B.‘s sake, some of us have got
homes to go to!’

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big
fat bird who doesn’t gobble anymore.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting
your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife’s
voice from the kitchen, ‘what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or
I said, ‘Thank you, I’ll have chicken please’
She replied, ‘You’re having soup you fat ■■?, I was talking to the cat!’

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.
Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go!

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he’s mainly black and brown with a small
white patch, so I’ve named him Birmingham .

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and
says, ‘Curry OK?’
I said, ‘Go on then, just one song then bugger off’

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn
cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, ‘That’s just for starters!’

Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his ■■■■■ stuck in a condom
machine. They asked him what happened and he said, ‘The sign says, insert
£2 and push knob in’. :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

Twin sisters in St.Luke’s Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”


“Now get a little closer together,” said the cameraman.


“HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.” So they wiggled up close to each other.

“Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little,” said the photographer.

Yet again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”


With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, “OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?”