have a look into You Tube and Jim Davidsons rant on Diversity and other things— absolutely spot on and ■■■■■■■ hilarious ! PMSL !!
Bewick:
have a look into You Tube and Jim Davidsons rant on Diversity and other things— absolutely spot on and [zb] hilarious ! PMSL !!
Had a look loved it he tells it like it is very funny
THERE’S ALWAYS A WAY!A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’ The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.'The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket.Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: "Because I’ve already got a freaking cat
A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!” The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.” The trucker replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not ■■■■■ – I’m just homesick.”
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!” His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ■■■ and say, ‘How about a ■■■■■■■?’ … and she’s always sound asleep.”
Old Farmer Giles from the local Stud Farm reported to the police saying his herd of prize stud livestock had escaped from a nearby field and were last seen roaming aimlessly towards a busy road with gay abandon. The police realising that male cows could become far more aggressive and harder to round up than the females asked the farmer to confirm “all bullocks?” Farmer Giles shouted a reply “NO ITS ABSOULUTELY TRUE”.
Had to go into the bank last week.got thinking the last time I walked into a bank wearing a mask i got 15 years 
An Australian, and Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:
“My God! I know who that man is - it’s Jesus!” The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out across the lounge. “Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?”
Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. “Yes, I am Jesus.” He says.
Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him. “I’d like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.” The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.
Then the Australian calls out. “Oy you! D’ya reckon you’re Jesus or what?”
Jesus nods and says. “Yes, I am Jesus.”
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.
The Scouser then calls out. “Oii whack, would you be Jesus?”
Jesus smiles and says. “Yes, I am Jesus.”
The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.
Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement…
“Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I’ve had for years is gone! It’s a miracle.”
Jesus then shakes the Australian’s hand, thanking him for the lager.
Upon letting go, the Australian’s eyes widen in shock. “By jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I’ve had for 40 years is completely gone it’s a miracle!”
Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says. “Back off, mate! I’m on Disability!”
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a counselling for couples weekend, Dave and his Partner, June, listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men, “Can you name and describe your wife’s favourite flower ?”
Dave leaned over, touched June’s arm gently, and whispered, “It’s Odlums, isn’t it dear?”
Thus began Dave’s life of celibacy.
The missus isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how…
I didn’t even know it was her birthday!
After too many beers, my mate asked if he could crash out on my sofa. I had to
explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
The missus said she’s leaving me because I invade her privacy too often. At
least that’s what it says in her diary.
As me and the missus headed off on a romantic holiday, we talked about what
■■■■■ things we’d like to do to each other. She said, "I’ve always wanted to be
handcuffed." So I planted a kilo of cocaine in her suitcase.
Woman to husband: "Let’s go out and have some fun tonight!” Husband: "Okay,
but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."
My mate is thinking about asking his ex-missus to re-marry him, but he’s
worried she’ll think he is just after her for his money.
John Wayne arrives in Tuscon and decides it’s time to have a couple of beers in the local saloon.
He has his beers and leaves the saloon only to find his horse has been stolen, so he goes back in and orders another beer and tells the crowd in the saloon, that his horse had better be back where it was or the same will happen here as it did in Dodge City.
So one of the crowd shouts to him “What did happen in Dodge city”? “well” says John - " I had to walk didn’t I" 
A woman walks into a welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
“Wow,” the social worker exclaims, “are they all yours?”
“Yep, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before…
She says, “Sit down, Billy.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Billy and the girls are all named Billie.”
In disbelief, the case worker says, “Are you serious? They’re all named Billy?”
Their mamma replied, “Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it’s time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Billy’!
And when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Billy’! and they all come running.
And if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Billy’ and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Billy.”
The case worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch?”
"Then I call them by their last names.
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however, your ■■■■■ was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have €9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new ■■■■■. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly €1,000 an inch.”
The man perks up. So, the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”
“Yes I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you make a decision?”
“Yes,” says the man.
“What is your decision?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting granite counter tops.”
In Scotland, we call a dog a dug. We take that O and make it a U. It’s a slang term, but it’s also a social implication in that you get dogs, then you get dugs. You get 'aww, look at that wee dog", then you get 'watch that [zb] dug
A pirate walks into a bar and he’s got a really big ships steering wheel coming outta his pants. The bartender asks "What’s with the steering wheel?
Pirate responds “Arrrrggghhh, it’s driving me nuts.”
Postman Pat’s Last Day
It was Postman Pat’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by
the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent
him on his way with a gift Cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch
Malt whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde In her
lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where
the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage,
Beans, Mushrooms And Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured Him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the
cups bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said,
“but what’s The five quid for?”
“Well,” said the dumb blonde, “last night, I told my husband that
today would be your last day and that we should do something special
for you, so I asked him what to give you”. … .
He said, [zb] him. Give him a fiver!"
She smiled shyly and said, “The breakfast was my idea.”