Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Bunnings when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.
'The young guy says, ‘That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.’
The old guy says, ‘Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?’
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big ■■■■■, and she’s wearing ■■■■■■■■■■■ shorts, a halter top and no bra. ‘What does your wife look like?’
The old timer says… ‘Doesn’t matter — let’s go look for yours.’
UP & DOWN ■■■
At a Senior Citizen’s luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
‘Do you want to go up or down?’
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn’t believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best ■■■ that he’d had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.
He again asked the lady , ‘Up or down ?’
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, ‘Up or down ?’
The woman replied, ‘Down.’
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,‘Up or down ?’
She replied, ‘Up.’
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
‘What’s the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!’
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn’t wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
■■■■ or drown…
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re
Sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this
Really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying
To talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The
Bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:
7 A salt shaker,
7 A shot of Baileys,
7 A shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue,
Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth,
And finally you drink the lime juice.’
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue…salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth…smooth,
Rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks…this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
-
In one second the sharp lime taste hits…
-
At two seconds the Baileys curdles…
3… At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like
Consistency hits…
- At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to
Disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
Jesus what do you call that drink?’
She smiles widely at him and says, ‘■■■■■■■■ Revenge.’
God said, ‘Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.’
Adam said, ‘Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?’
God said, ‘Go down Into that valley.’
Adam said, ‘What’s a Valley?’
God explained it to Him Then God said, ‘Cross the river.’
Adam said, ‘What’s a River?’
God explained that To him, and then said, ‘Go over to the hill…’
Adam said, ‘What is a Hill?’
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, ‘On
The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.’
Adam said, ‘What’s a Cave?’
After God explained, He said, ‘In the cave You will find a woman.’
Adam said, ‘What’s a Woman?’
So God explained That to him, too. Then, God said, ‘I
Want you to Reproduce.’
Adam said, ‘How do I do that?’
God first said (under His breath), ‘Geez…’
And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down Into the valley,
Across the river, and Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the Woman.
Then, in about 15 Minutes, he was back.
God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily,
‘What is it Now?’
And Adam said…