Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue
needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean
(also Irishmen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, “Yup,
he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over”. So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said, “Nope, it ain’t Paddy”. The mortician thought that
was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over”
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t
Paddy”.
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two [zb]holes.”
“What, he had two [zb]holes?!!” said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two [zb]holes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, “Here comes Paddy with them two [zb]holes…”
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: “It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four”
“Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. “Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five
persons.”
“You cannot pull that one on me,” replies Paddy “Quattro means four. You
have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.”
The Englishmen replies angrily, “You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want
to speak to someone with more intelligence!”
“Sorry,” responds Paddy, “Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.”
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, “You are charged
with beating your wife to death with a spanner.”
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You (zb)!”
The judge continued, “You are also charged with beating your daughter to
death with a spanner.”
Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You (zb)!!!”
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and
said, “Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but
I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you
with contempt! Now what is the problem?”
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, “For fifteen years
I’ve lived next door to that (zb) and every time I asked to borrow a
[zb]ing spanner, he said he didn’t have one!”
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, “Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?”
The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good
enough, I’ll go home!”
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her,
draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer, and goes to her
supervisor to file a ■■■■■■ harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor
what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a ■■■■■■ harassment suit
against him.
The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, “What’s ■■■■■■■■ threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice”?
The woman replies, “It’s Keith, the dwarf.”
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin bags,
one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a
£20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. “Madam, there are £20 notes falling
out of that bag…”
“■■■■!” says the little old lady…“I’d better go back and see if I can
find some of them. Thanks for the warning!”
“Well, now, not so fast,” says the policeman. “How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?”
“Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “You see, my back garden backs onto the
car park of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans
come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!” So, I go and stand
behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his
thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: ‘£20 or off it comes!’ "
“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “Good luck!” By the way, what’s in
the other bag?"
“Well”, says the little old lady, “Not all of them pay.”
edited for languageif it needs stars it’s not allowed mm