Male Chauvinist animal
Male Rules
Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.
Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want… Let us be clear on this one: Subtle
hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not
work! Just say it!
Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have no idea what fuschia is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like
nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an
answer you don’t want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as football, food, or ■■■.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s
like camping.
Girls’ English
“It’s your decision” = The correct decision should be obvious by now!
" Do what you want" = You’ll pay for this later!
We need to talk" = I need to ■■■■■.
“Sure…Go ahead” = I don’t want you too.
" I’m not upset" = Of course I’m upset, u stupid moron!
" How much do you love me?" = I did something today your not going like me for.
“Is my bum fat?” = Tell me I’m beautiful.
" You have to learn to communicate!" = Just agree with me.
" Are you listening to me?" = Too late, you’re dead!
Guy’s English
" I’m hungry" = I’m hungry
" I’m sleepy" = I’m sleepy
" I’m tired " - I’m tired
" Do you want to go to a movie?" = I’d eventually like to have ■■■ with you.
" Can I take you to dinner?" = I’d eventually like to have ■■■ with you.
" Can I call you sometime?" = I’d eventually like to have ■■■ with you.
" May I have this dance?" = I’d eventually like to have ■■■ with you.
“Nice dress” = Nice cleavage.
" You look tensed, let me give you a massage" = I want to fondle you.
" What’s wrong? " = What meaningless self inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?
" What’s wrong?" = I guess ■■■ tonight is out of the question.
“I’m bored” = Do you want to have ■■■?
" I love you" = Let’s have ■■■ right now.
" I love you too" = Okay i said it we’d better have ■■■ now!
" Let’s talk" = I am trying’ to impress you by shown that I’m a deep person
and maybe then you’d like to have ■■■ with me!
" Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have ■■■ with
other guys.
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