Best one I got heard was D*#k Head Logistics 
Hi bob your firm asked me to scan cages off the truck as well as all the other admin stuff they want.I told them I was a driver.Another ■■■■ company with ■■■■ wages.Anyway ■■■■ em how are you big boy.Still fighting I see.Respect Bob
1rustyspring:
Hi bob your firm asked me to scan cages off the truck as well as all the other admin stuff they want.I told them I was a driver.Another [zb] company with [zb] wages.Anyway [zb] em how are you big boy.Still fighting I see.Respect Bob
Every day is a fighting day, just wish I had corner for support 
I love scanning…
Management “Don’t leave the yard until you’re logged on!!!”
Me “But sir I have done all my ops13 and am ready to leave!!!”
Management “Wait until your logged on please”
Me “Ok”…
… 30 mins later…
Me “Still can’t get logged on!!!”
Management “Ok… Just go”
Great fun and the recent question is “What height is the fifth wheel on this particular vehicle■■?” as it is DHL policy to know your correct height before going out the gate 
Just thinking back to a recent “training” day i had to endure. Two four inch thick folders full of all the procedural and h&s crap that they supposedly rigidly adhere to. Utter ■■■■■■ Given just enough time to speed skim through them, whilst simultaneously shaking my head in a mixture of amusement and incredulity. What seemed like a thousand signatures and three thousand box ticks later, i have been deemed solely responsible for all the depot`s failings and conscious company rule breaches! Got paid for it, did another fortnight, then f****d off!
They can kiss my squeaky clean ■■■!! 
■■■■■■■:
Just thinking back to a recent “training” day i had to endure. Two four inch thick folders full of all the procedural and h&s crap that they supposedly rigidly adhere to. Utter [zb]. Given just enough time to speed skim through them, whilst simultaneously shaking my head in a mixture of amusement and incredulity. What seemed like a thousand signatures and three thousand box ticks later, i have been deemed solely responsible for all the depot`s failings and conscious company rule breaches! Got paid for it, did another fortnight, then f****d off!
They can kiss my squeaky clean ■■■!!
Sounds like my experience of Wincanton.
Jesus, when I left them after 2 short months I could have had a bonfire with the H&S paperwork. Literally 2-3 page documents outlining the ‘safe system of work’ for everything from boarding/alighting the cab to spreading grit on the yard. Then, the wording would get changed on one & you’d be issued with a new copy… I was considering getting myself a stamp made for all the signatures.
Does anyone know if their drivers in Germany are subject to this sort of soul destroying bureaucracy? Admittedly I have been away for six years now so much has no doubt changed, but up until 2009 I remember British companies, especially ones with more than say 20 or 30 trucks being ■■■■ about paperwork, tachos, wtd etc and it would be the norm to see British drivers filling in endless amounts of paperwork and even more normal to witness full blown arguments in various places about such petty things as whether or not to use other work or poa while tipping in Tesco’s etc. However, in all my travels to Germany, which were many, I never came across a single driver who ever changed his tacho from rest mode, you know, like we used to do in the UK before the job became a mathematical bureaucratic nightmare. Up until 2009 I often asked German, Dutch, Swiss, Belgian, Polish etc drivers how they operate their tacho and if they use other work and poa and they almost always looked at me like I had two heads. Those countries probably have their own firms that are like DHL, TDG or ND etc but it doesn’t seem anywhere near as widespread as in the UK where the vast majority of companies are all about the paperwork first and delivering goods second.
France always came across as being as bad as the UK, which isnt surprising as paperwork and bureaucracy are excellent ways of dodging actual work but the rest of Europe just seemed to get on with it with minimum paperwork and minimal fuss. Has all that changed now?
Boab your a brilliant nightmare,just really like guys like you who socks it to em and then beats them with their own policy ■■■■.Lets all stike.
At the DHL/NISA depot in Scunthorpe if you are an Agency driver the photocopy your licence every shift, WHY? and you have two A4 sheets of tickboxes to do as well.
rob22888:
Sounds like my experience of Wincanton.
Wincanton have to do to some extent though because of the wishes of their clients. The Wincanton drivers who do all our work have to comply with all our procedures as well as their own, things like loads of chipboard have to be strapped down in compliance with how we have to do it.
just thought i’d revive this thread…as Dhl have come out with a new de-brief sheet of paper this week…they expect us all to check EVERY tyre tread depth at the end of shift,tractor and trailer! and write it down!
a walk around visual check is what i will continue to do.
I recently asked a line manager the question why on the same site the regime is different, And was told it’s down to the individual contract within DHL , and how many agency drivers they use in the week.
Hermes the same. Didnt even get through half a shift before i turned her around and tossed em the keys
while doing D.H.L. i was not uncommon to have to wait for a unit then have to do all the paperwork then get off … this would take at least an hour with finding the unit finding the trailer doing checks filling in p/w making photocopies ( hey roll on the paperless office of tomorrow ) then finally getting out of the yard this is on a good day…!!! not that it really bothered me what bothered me is their BLIND ADHERANCE to dogma , doctorine and misplaced over confidence that those in the office can do no wrong i did catch them out several times ie ; on being sent bobtail from nwk to holyhead to pick up one of two trailers they refused to make a phone call to sealink to check that they were there as it was all on the computer… of course when i got there nither were available one had been picked up two days earlier and the other the previous day that was an interesting phone call to make …!! then to be told in a sheepish voice you better come back then best thing was i was on sunday rate full 15h
all that time and money wasted because of not making a phone call
i never let them forget it either especially when some git from the office was trying to tell me how to work more efficently
all the paperwork does in effect is fill up peoples days to justify their non jobs or create a blame culture where he who covers his ■■■ best wins
Conor:
rob22888:
Sounds like my experience of Wincanton.Wincanton have to do to some extent though because of the wishes of their clients. The Wincanton drivers who do all our work have to comply with all our procedures as well as their own, things like loads of chipboard have to be strapped down in compliance with how we have to do it.
Our? We?
You fully-fledged employee or banging the agency drum still? Sounds like you’ve been inducted with all that belonging sounding crap lol
On subject… on my manifest I have a tick box which you tick if there’s no defects or if there is you fill out a defect slip and right the number of that slip on the manifest. Onky other things are start/finish times, mileage and locations plus fuel drawn.
We’ve a PDA that goes into more detail but nobody ever pays any attention to it so just tick the boxes and job done.
This is a reason why I enjoy working for a smaller firm 
Another is the favour I’m doing them tomorrow I know won’t be forgotten.
amamdada:
I do a couple of days a week at the same place for the same agency ,every week I have to fill in a form writing down the details on my licence and my tacho card including every category on the licence and any codes that apply to that category.My licence,my tacho and CPC card are then photo copied every week!
I understand the rationale for the first time you are in there but surely it would be far easier and more efficient to just sign a declaration thereafter that the original info has not changed with perhaps a quarterly or six monthly check.
The solution is simple for these muppets. Take a master sheet home. jpeg it, overwrite the bits that don’t really change then print it off and take it into work. You then only have to sign a couple of boxes. Sussed that one out within a few visits!
G6Bob:
1rustyspring:
Hi bob your firm asked me to scan cages off the truck as well as all the other admin stuff they want.I told them I was a driver.Another [zb] company with [zb] wages.Anyway [zb] em how are you big boy.Still fighting I see.Respect BobEvery day is a fighting day, just wish I had corner for support
I love scanning…
Management “Don’t leave the yard until you’re logged on!!!”
Me “But sir I have done all my ops13 and am ready to leave!!!”
Management “Wait until your logged on please”
Me “Ok”…
… 30 mins later…
Me “Still can’t get logged on!!!”
Management “Ok… Just go”
Great fun and the recent question is “What height is the fifth wheel on this particular vehicle■■?” as it is DHL policy to know your correct height before going out the gate
Simples carry a tape measure !
We used to call them d-hell… never, ever again… did leave them a nice leaving present though, filled the water urn in office up with laxatives 2 days before I left!! ■■■■ em!..
It’s even worse on the “Special Products”/“Blue Fleet” (i.e bulk chemicals) side of the business 
.
Over the last couple of years, the arse-covering (AKA H&S) has really got to a whole new level. Even if one of their ancient GP tankers (a few STILL have leaf springs for crying out loud 
) fails an MOT, it is treated as a major incident. With every mishap, no matter how minor, requiring all the resources of the Amazon rainforest to “ensure” that such a thing should never happen again. I swear to God, there’s more “compliance” non-jobs than drivers, and they are muliplying like rats . And yet, there are certain drivers at the yard I used to work at, that could get away with murder (i.e mates with the TM), but most of the other drivers would have the book thrown at them for a minor cockup (e.g bad fuel economy).
I reckon that what it would being like if that construction giant that has recently gone into liquidation (the one with the green teardrop, orange star and blue “C” in its logo) had decided to “have a go” at running a road haulage division.
Getting that way where I work even to the point when you fill in a debrief form which goes with you and gets handed in at end of day you even have to put which slot your digi card went in 
two days a week I share the driving as its too far for 1 driver so its becomes even more pointless then