WOMEN’S ENGLISH AND WHAT THEY MEAN
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure… go ahead = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is ■■■ all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my ■■■■ fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
The answer to “What’s wrong?”:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an ■■■■■■■
MEN’S ENGLISH AND WHAT THEY MEAN
“I’m hungry.” = I’m hungry.
“I’m sleepy.” = I’m sleepy.
“I’m tired.” = I’m tired.
“Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have ■■■ with you.
“Can I take you out to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have ■■■ with you.
“Can I call you sometime?” = I’d eventually like to have ■■■ with you.
“May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have ■■■ with you.
“Nice dress!” = Nice cleavage!
“You look tense, let me give you a massage.” = I want to fondle you.
“What’s wrong?” = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
“What’s wrong?” = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
“What’s wrong?” = I guess ■■■ tonight is out of the question.
“I’m bored.” = Do you want to have ■■■?
“I love you.” = Let’s have ■■■ now.
“I love you, too.” = Okay, I said it…we’d better have ■■■ now!
“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = I liked it better before.
“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
“Let’s talk.” = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have ■■■ with me.
“Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have ■■■ with other guys. (while shopping)
“I like that one better.” = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!