Roymondo:
toby1234abc:
I was born alone and will die aloneYou sure about that? I know it was a while ago now, but surely your Mum was there throughout the whole process?
Rumour has it she gave birth standing up and the midwife didn’t catch him.
Alan Davies on every show on tv, the bloke is not even funny and the perm hair style from the 70,s looks ridiculous .
Burgers that cost from £12 to £ 15 in a pretentious country pub or some fake American cafe with seats that look like car seats from the 50,s .
Sending six fire engines, a doctor, a Csi police van, four police cars to a car that hit the back of lorry on the A358 off the Taunton exit of the M5 past Henlade going Eastbound.
Minor damage to the car, occupant with no injuries and got out unaided .
Sat there for half an hour expecting to see two helicopters, a Royal Navy frigate, a RAF Hercules or the Pope to show up to add to the circus .
Childbirth is very annoying.
All your mates and family telling you how important it is to be present, how miraculous it is, such a special moment etc.
What a load of bollox. Now we are all aware of one’s partner getting slightly agitated whilst assuming the prone position, swearing, being hit, hand almost broke during contractions etc is pretty standard stuff.
But what your not prepared for is random nurses coming in and sticking their fingers up the wife’s chuff, then uttering weird phrases like… “still a way to go yet”, “only 5cm dilated” etc.
I mean any other time this would be ■■■■■■ and heading into 3 sum territory but not in the birthing chamber it ain’t.
Then the so called miraculous moment arrives and a purple coloured person emerges from the wife’s clunge that makes me suspicious that the missus has been having an affair with an umpa lumpa.
Now I’m no expert on miracles but walking on water, turning water into wine is pretty much the miracle standard, pushing a baby that’s been in there all along out ones flange is barely even a convincing magic trick.
Then when it’s all over to make matters worse some doctor fellow turns up and takes a gander at the wife’s foofa then utters the immortal words "no need for stitches’.
Now hang on a second, seeing what’s just come out I’ll be the judge of whether stitches are needed or not. At least take up some of the slack for ■■■■■ sake.
Then to top things off the wife and the nipper go to blooming sleep for 9 hours leaving me to fend off the rest of the families relentless enquires when all I can think of is I could have been down the pub.
Youtube.
It used to be great till Google got their grubby fingers on it now its one big excuse for adverts. Even watching some videos is a pain since you get an ad on the bottom of the screen and another in the top right for other videos by this poster.
Those stupid Haribo adverts where they’ve dubbed child voices over the adult actors.
The-Snowman:
Youtube.
It used to be great till Google got their grubby fingers on it now its one big excuse for adverts. Even watching some videos is a pain since you get an ad on the bottom of the screen and another in the top right for other videos by this poster.
Or local online newspapers; You click to see the accompanying 1 minute video, only for it to be 45 seconds of “can you sponsor a child?” and 15 seconds of news already reported.
Those annoying tv adverts for windows for houses and adverts for furniture with a sale that lasts all year .
Experts that tell us all what is unhealthy , then later they changed their minds , and now it’s healthy to eat or drink .
Dipper_Dave:
Childbirth is very annoying.
All your mates and family telling you how important it is to be present, how miraculous it is, such a special moment etc.What a load of bollox. Now we are all aware of one’s partner getting slightly agitated whilst assuming the prone position, swearing, being hit, hand almost broke during contractions etc is pretty standard stuff.
But what your not prepared for is random nurses coming in and sticking their fingers up the wife’s chuff, then uttering weird phrases like… “still a way to go yet”, “only 5cm dilated” etc.
I mean any other time this would be ■■■■■■ and heading into 3 sum territory but not in the birthing chamber it ain’t.Then the so called miraculous moment arrives and a purple coloured person emerges from the wife’s clunge that makes me suspicious that the missus has been having an affair with an umpa lumpa.
Now I’m no expert on miracles but walking on water, turning water into wine is pretty much the miracle standard, pushing a baby that’s been in there all along out ones flange is barely even a convincing magic trick.Then when it’s all over to make matters worse some doctor fellow turns up and takes a gander at the wife’s foofa then utters the immortal words "no need for stitches’.
Now hang on a second, seeing what’s just come out I’ll be the judge of whether stitches are needed or not. At least take up some of the slack for [zb] sake.Then to top things off the wife and the nipper go to blooming sleep for 9 hours leaving me to fend off the rest of the families relentless enquires when all I can think of is I could have been down the pub.
Congratulations Dipper/Daddy, sounds like your Better Half has had a Sprog.?[emoji106]
“Now hang on a second, seeing what’s just come out I’ll be the judge of whether stitches are needed or not. At least take up some of the slack for [zb] sake.”
That’s what the ‘Emergency Back Up Hole’ is for [emoji6]
Cheers I’m Dipper Grandady now, just reminiscing.
I remember me own birth, a right faff it was emergency caesarean, worst thing was all the other newborns in the ward who had sampled a bit of vaj action taking the ■■■■ saying it would be 14 years till I got chance to be in a fanny again.
Herring gulls. Why are they protected? They serve no purpose except for picking up the remains of some drunks’ kebab or to amuse elderly people feeding them at naff seaside resorts.
People who feed pigeons in the street. Nearly always tramp-like old people who push old trolleys around filled with rubbish.
People who complain it’s “too hot today.” When you saw them/failed to avoid them the other day they complained it was “too cold/wet.”
That extra swish of the wipers when you use the wash jets. It wipes 5 times and the window is clear. Then two seconds later it wipes again and smears all the dust over the what was perfectly dry, clean windscreen and leaves big dirty streaks. Just do the five wipes and then stop
That Always fanny rag advert with the grumpy butch goalkeeper.
Going in the chemist with the wife and wandering around aimlessley looking at cures for ailments I never knew I had then coming across these little beauties and getting slightly overexcited before thrusting them in the wifes face uttering the immortal words “are these what your looking for darling”…
Resulting in a look that could shrivel any todger at 50 paces and shouting “stop showing off”, she treats me like a bloody child at times.
I mean why bring me of all people to a shop like this.
Frozen car windscreens in the winter, why don’t all cars have heated glass , turn on a switch to melt the ice.
Ridiculous small jet nozzles on the wipers that are usless in winter .
If you live in Canada or the States, they plug in their cars with a heater to stop the engines freezing .
Why are Tesco Mercedes cabs so ugly with the cheap and nasty bolt on wind deflectors .
Why do the homeless beg for night shelter money when its free to stay there ?
If you visit Bath , it is full of aggressive beggars, that get the hump if you ignore them .
Came home tonight to find one of those bloody christian aid envelopes on the doormat. I know they like them back again so I stuck it straight outside under the mat so hopefully they wont knock. Although one chap did a few years ago and pointed out that “mine” was empty. 
And another thing, the envelopes have gotten bigger too.
Mothers that think it is ok to sit their babies or young children on public tables in restaurants or at the services.
I have have seen them on the counters where you queue to pay by the till .
toby1234abc:
Mothers that think it is ok to sit their babies or young children on public tables in restaurants or at the services.
I have have seen them on the counters where you queue to pay by the till .
Or let the little darlings stand in supermarket trolleys. Several times now I’ve banged into their trolley hoping the little bleeder will fall, so far without success. Can anybody tell me where I’m going wrong?
Sorry, double post
Fat Controller:
Or let the little darlings stand in supermarket trolleys. Several times now I’ve banged into their trolley hoping the little bleeder will fall, so far without success. Can anybody tell me where I’m going wrong?
Sounds like you’re making the rookie mistake of bashing the trolly when the little darlings are holding on. To make it look like an accident you have to use low impact so if they are still grabbing the sides or whatever then they wont tumble. You need to time it right, eg when they are standing in the middle of the basket or better yet,when they are pointing to a slab of chocolate the size of a tombstone and demanding it for their dinner. They are so pre-occupied with pointing and wailing that when you “accidently” side swipe the trolley you will get the desired effect.