Got told that VOSA will fine you if they find Red Bull or Pro plus in the cab. 
Had a chap come to the yard where I used to work on the spanners, he used to deliver the parts for Ruston Bucyrus, and he was priceless when he left the yard after his endless tales of trucking we just stood looking at each other going did he really say that.
Anyway one of his better ones goes along the lines off fella in some yard somewhere, I forget where, starts taking the ■■■■ out of him and winds him up, so when he gets round the the side of the truck away from the buildings he punches him and knocks him out, now this chaps 8 stone wet through so how he could knock any one out was beyond us, then he picks up the chap he’s just belted holds him between the load and sheet and ties him there and doesn’t let him out till Glasgow some 300 miles away!!!
How the christ I didn’t ■■■■ myself that day I’ll neverknow
Muckles and Jacksplat, they are quality tales! 
Just thought of a geezer who turned up in a Ford Probe and came screeching into the workshop (I was still spannering then) and told me it had a 2.8l straight 4 engine… He refused to open the bonnet, saying that it was a prototype and he wasn’t allowed to break the seal they had fitted (underneath the bonnet naturally). When I asked him to drive it over the pit, he said he wouldn’t because his brother would go mad if it got caught on the rollers.
He was a world-class liar though, I’m sure I’ll think of a few more of his.
Happydaze:
Muckles and Jacksplat, they are quality tales!Just thought of a geezer who turned up in a Ford Probe and came screeching into the workshop (I was still spannering then) and told me it had a 2.8l straight 4 engine… He refused to open the bonnet, saying that it was a prototype and he wasn’t allowed to break the seal they had fitted (underneath the bonnet naturally). When I asked him to drive it over the pit, he said he wouldn’t because his brother would go mad if it got caught on the rollers.
He was a world-class liar though, I’m sure I’ll think of a few more of his.
So why did he bring it to your workshop ? Not for repair obviously ?
Pat Hasler:
Happydaze:
Muckles and Jacksplat, they are quality tales!Just thought of a geezer who turned up in a Ford Probe and came screeching into the workshop (I was still spannering then) and told me it had a 2.8l straight 4 engine… He refused to open the bonnet, saying that it was a prototype and he wasn’t allowed to break the seal they had fitted (underneath the bonnet naturally). When I asked him to drive it over the pit, he said he wouldn’t because his brother would go mad if it got caught on the rollers.
He was a world-class liar though, I’m sure I’ll think of a few more of his.
So why did he bring it to your workshop ? Not for repair obviously ?
No, just to show it off and try to palm it off as his. He let the cat out of the bag eventually though!
Happydaze:
I’ll start with the English Gendarme who used to patrol the peripherique exterieur (Paris) and was the scourge of Scotsmen because his wife ran off with a Scottish driver…
I think you have your wires crossed here, he was in fact a Scottish motorcycle gendarme who was the scourge of English truck drivers because his wife ran off with an English driver. That he was Scottish is not in doubt because beneath his blue tunic he used to wear a kilt.
one day i was caught short while driving a bulk tipper with potatoes on. no where else to go so i jumped on the load and began to unload, so to speak. then this double decker bus with schoolgirls on drew up next me me in traffic and stayed there.
Harry Monk:
Happydaze:
I’ll start with the English Gendarme who used to patrol the peripherique exterieur (Paris) and was the scourge of Scotsmen because his wife ran off with a Scottish driver…I think you have your wires crossed here, he was in fact a Scottish motorcycle gendarme who was the scourge of English truck drivers because his wife ran off with an English driver. That he was Scottish is not in doubt because beneath his blue tunic he used to wear a kilt.
Oh quite possibly my wires are well crossed, I heard that one a few times and it could be either way!
I remember my auld man telling me once about the jock gendarme. He was pulled over by him once and after struggling to communicate in French during the stopcheck for ages the ■■■■■■ told my dad to watch his speed in future in a broad Scots tongue !! As my auld man worked for Wisharts he wouldve known exactly where the driver was from !!
Happydaze:
I think it’s time for a thread for all those stupid stories that you’ve heard…
Are you trying to be the new toby1234abc? You’ll never be able to replace him you know, he is the best at starting fifty new threads a day.
I’ve got a story. I saw an old colleague of mine the other day. It turns out he’s currently being bullied by a magpie. It hangs around his house all day and night taunting him and stealing his shiny things. When he opens his curtains in the morning Mr Magpie’s there waiting for him on the window ledge looking menacing.
My friend is at breaking point, he was almost in tears as he me told about it. He’s already tried shooting it but it’s like the magpie knows what’s about to happen and strategically positions himself near some children or something thus making the shot too risky. Any advice?
taffytrucker:
I got told about a paddy years ago racing for the boat in Dover got pulled in the third lane do some stupid speed (think it got faster everytime I was told the story). Anyway he was going so fast they dragged him up infront of the magistrates, when asked he if he knew the rules regarding HGV on motorways his reply was ’ why yes lane 1 is for plodding along, lane 2 is for the slightly faster lorries to over take and lane 3 is for paddy flying down to catch the boat now can I get going please coz I’m running late now’
Heard hat one before except that I was told he said, “lane 1 was for tesco, lane 2 was for the English and lane 3 was for Holyhead”
Same lad told me he was stopped by customs in Holyhead while pulling a fridge and they put a sniffer dog in the back, after a while the dog didn’t come back out so one of a custom men got in a pulled the dog out but it was frozen solid but alls well that ends well after a while it thawed out and was ok.
sammy:
taffytrucker:
I got told about a paddy years ago racing for the boat in Dover got pulled in the third lane do some stupid speed (think it got faster everytime I was told the story). Anyway he was going so fast they dragged him up infront of the magistrates, when asked he if he knew the rules regarding HGV on motorways his reply was ’ why yes lane 1 is for plodding along, lane 2 is for the slightly faster lorries to over take and lane 3 is for paddy flying down to catch the boat now can I get going please coz I’m running late now’Heard hat one before except that I was told he said, “lane 1 was for tesco, lane 2 was for the English and lane 3 was for Holyhead”
Same lad told me he was stopped by customs in Holyhead while pulling a fridge and they put a sniffer dog in the back, after a while the dog didn’t come back out so one of a custom men got in a pulled the dog out but it was frozen solid but alls well that ends well after a while it thawed out and was ok.
priceless was that the paddy that was pulling ice cream and a young customs guy went to climb in the back and almost got his hand stuck on the side of the fridge coz he wasnt wearing any gloves?? lol