Last weekend, I got back to the farm and was unhooking the trailer when my long-suffering boss Richard came over and said “Harry, can you pop into my office for a moment?” in that tone of voice that suggests you are about to be moaned at.
So anyway, I stood on the carpet, as you do, and he threw this letter across the desk at me, and in that weary and exasperated voice of his, he said “It’s always you, isn’t it Harry? Every single time! You are more trouble than everyone else put together!”
So I read it. I haven’t got a scanner and it was FAR too long to type out but the gist was as follows.
Blah blah blah blah Swale Borough Council blah blah blah blah complaint from a member of the public blah blah blah blah driver was smoking a cigarette blah blah blah blah blah-di bleedin’ blah. Michael Moss, Smoke-free Officer.
Smoke-free Officer, FFS? 
“Deal with it will you Harry, I’m a bit busy trying to run a business here”.
So at first I thought I would refer Mr Moss to the response given to the plaintiff in Arkell v Pressdram (1971) but then I thought “No. For once in my miserable trampy existence I will do things professionally.” And so I wrote this.
Dear Mr Michael Moss,
I am writing with regard to a letter received by my employer, Fleetwood
Transport about the Health Act 2006, following a complaint from a witness
that I was smoking in the vehicle GN54CYO, an articulated lorry tractor
unit. Your reference is ENF-SMF-08-0054My employer has passed on the letter for me to deal with.
I am the driver of the vehicle. This is not a pool vehicle which returns to
base every night, it is an allocated vehicle and is to all intents and
purposes my home, having beds, refrigerator, cooker, TV etc. I generally
live in it for five to six days a week. Last week, for example, I went to Spain in it.Nobody else ever drives this vehicle, or ever has driven this vehicle. I am
the only person who ever uses it. We are obliged by law to retain for 12
months tachograph charts recording the activities of the vehicle and any
driver and you are welcome to inspect these by mutual arrangement to confirm this.
Additionally, no passenger ever travels in the vehicle.This vehicle is therefore exempt from the Health Act 2006, as it is not used
by more than one person and I would be grateful if you would point this out
to your complainant and any future complainant.Should you have any questions, please don’t hestitate to ask, preferably by
email although I have supplied my contact details below.Yours Sincerely,
Harry Monk,
The Park Bench,
Turnham Green,
Peckham.
And when I got back from work just now, this was waiting…
Dear Mr Harry Monk,
I would like to begin by thanking you for your response to my letter dated 2nd October 2008, regarding a complaint about smoking within a potential smoke-free vehicle. From the information that you have provided, I agree with you, that the vehicle that you drive is exempt under the Health Act 2006 and that the letter can be disregarded.
I apologise for any inconvenience that my letter may have caused,
I am afraid that it is a standard letter and is used in all cases, even when further information is required. I have kept your comments on file, so that should a similar complaint be received, the complaint can be properly notified and no further action shall be taken against the company.Thank you once again for your cooperation.
With regardsMichael Moss (Enforcement Officer
So there you go. That is the position on smoking in the cab, for trampers like me at least.
If you or your employer receives such a letter, do not put up with this nanny-state Stalinist control-freakery. Just copy the letter I wrote, modify it for your own circumstances, and send it right back to your local council or whoever has complained. I am sick to death of this Government’s constant attacks on the white working-class and our habits and the more of us that bite back, the better.
Some people really have nothing better to do.
. It just shows that sometimes you just need to stand up to them.