A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot; the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
Sounds like another parrot joke I know…
If you’re all sitting comfortably, then I’ll begin… 
A burglar breaks into a house at the dead of night and looks around.
“Blimey!” He says, or words to that effect. “I’ve stuck the jackpot here!”
So saying, he hoikes out his swag-bag and proceeds to fill it with the contents of the living room. As he does so, he becomes aware of a small voice whispering “Jesus will get you!!”
Spinning 'round in a panic, he spies no-one. He stands still for 5 minutes. Nothing. So he carries on. The voice comes again, louder, “Jesus will get you!!!”
“Who’s there?” He hisses. No reply. By now he’s a bit worried. Another long stand. Still nothing. Taking a deep breath, he carries on. Again the voice comes, louder yet, and more strident, “Jesus Will Get You-ou-ou!”.
This freaks him out totally. He dives for cover under the table and begins to wish that he’d bought a spare pair of trousers. After half an hour, there’s no sound. He shakely crawls out from under the table and heads towards the kitchen. The voice comes again, “Jesus Will Get You-ou-ou!!!” This time, however, instead of running through the wall in panic, he spots a large covered stand in a corner from which the voice seems to be coming. He sneaks up to it and rattles some booty. As the following words are spoken he whips off the cover.
“JESUS WILL GE…oh hell!” The large parrot in the cage looks suitably abashed.
“Right, parrot,” he snarls as forces open the cage to throttle the bird. “What’s you ruddy name, so I can know who it is I’m about to strangle for scaring me spitless!?!?”
“Ummmm…” Mutters the parrot, “Moses.”
“MOSES!?!?” He says in disbelief, “Which ruddy idiot calls his parrot MOSES for God’s sake?”
“Ah!”, says the parrot, “The same ruddy idiot who calls his Rottweiller “Jesus””
Well, it made me laugh!
