Peaky Blinder:
As I only lived a short distance from home
Lol ! The quote Police have caught you out.
We all live a short distance from home.
(Disclaimer- before anyone has a go at me for pointing out this funny mistake, ITS A JOKE !)
m1cks:
May have been your worst friday but its just made mine a lot funnier.
Thanks for sharing.
Same here, youre a brave man to own up to that. I think as truckers, most of us have had a ‘brown nemesis’ or two over the years. I cant even take the gamble as I periodically suffer from IBS 
I know a driver who stopped in a layby went into a caravan and asked for a bacon butty, the lady in the caravan replied, “This is no truck stop this is my own caravan !!”
Legend 
I was having the squirts going down the M3 had to stop with rush hour traffic about I managed just to get out the cab onto the hard shoulder and let loose, the stench and spread of the mess was disgusting, I was in the Army at the time,and boy did I flap, there was only a camera looking down at me 
Got caught up on the M50 flooding a few years back stopped there for 9 hours,just thought I,d check the trailer before we were allowed to cross the central reservation (Barrier was collapsed), and I swear there was a monster of a number 2, cheeky James Hunt I thought, but what baffled me was there was no toilet paper 
20 years ago, south mimms services overnight, needing the call of nature, you know the usual 3am ■■■■, jumped out of the cab in my finest Y fronts only, and click…
Yes locked myself out. In the distance a couple of hard looking fellas cranking the chains on a low loader, I had to walk the whole lenth of the park, the picture on their faces watching me wander towards them, looking less then amused asking if they could lend me a hammer!
possibly my best,or at least most recent one would be as i also now have suffered badly from ibs,then a few years ago,comes off the hss into stranraer.flatout lit along the A 75,guts collapse bigtime,here comes the turtles head,so its emergency stop into a layby, leaping out the seat and across to the passenger door bouncing off the windscreen and shoving kegs to my ankles as i lean out the door backwards in a flat panic to spray away from the steps and not splatter inside the cab, just in time to explode like a flock of sparrows coming out of a hedge,simultaniously grabbing both grab handles or the atrocious i was driving at the time,( or not grabbing them as the case actually was)…pause to use your imagination to the 360 degree backward rear flip landing in the grass ive just hosed,( except im still hosing.)…pitch black at night,with the trots down my neck as well as everywhere else…even in my slippers.!!! ( i like driving in slippers or just socks at night before you ask)…4 litres of water and 3 boxes of wetwipes later…the clothes were left in a heap as a present for the 1st parrafin lamp to pass by…needless to say i missed my booking slot…happy days…
dieseldog999:
…like a flock of sparrows coming out of a hedge…
Contraflow:
dieseldog999:
…like a flock of sparrows coming out of a hedge…
I think weve all had a flock of sparrows at some point or another??..
alternatively it may have been similar to the start of the indianapolis 500 …the pace cars out in front with everything all calm and orderly…then the pace car goes,woof,into the slip lane,and then its flat out for everything else down the straight to get into the holeshot position 1st…and then exit it…
Used a customers toilet to drop off a massive load…only to realise the chain won’t flush
Made a sharp exit and left my delivery for the customer to “deal” with !
dieseldog999:
possibly my best,or at least most recent one would be as i also now have suffered badly from ibs,then a few years ago,comes off the hss into stranraer.flatout lit along the A 75,guts collapse bigtime,here comes the turtles head,so its emergency stop into a layby, leaping out the seat and across to the passenger door bouncing off the windscreen and shoving kegs to my ankles as i lean out the door backwards in a flat panic to spray away from the steps and not splatter inside the cab, just in time to explode like a flock of sparrows coming out of a hedge,simultaniously grabbing both grab handles or the atrocious i was driving at the time,( or not grabbing them as the case actually was)…pause to use your imagination to the 360 degree backward rear flip landing in the grass ive just hosed,( except im still hosing.)…pitch black at night,with the trots down my neck as well as everywhere else…even in my slippers.!!! ( i like driving in slippers or just socks at night before you ask)…4 litres of water and 3 boxes of wetwipes later…the clothes were left in a heap as a present for the 1st parrafin lamp to pass by…needless to say i missed my booking slot…happy days…
Dieseldog999 u crack me up (wife thinks I’ve lost it reading this thread )
When u get time can u start a thread about the origins / requirements of being a tang
Freight Dog:
I think you need to change your user name…
Never, god made us all to ■■■■ in the woods (some even to eat it and talk it:( )
Another bad one was at a petrol station toilet, one of those disabled male and womens type jobbys, id ate 3 punnets of fruit the day before and then done a night out in aberdeen, shattered after a 15 i fell into a chippy and got myself a doner meat (pigeon or cat) and chips (fat riddled slugs), ate them and was pleasntly suprised how nice it was, maybe i was just that tired and hungry who knows, anyways next day running in was touching cloth but felt fine pulled in dropped the bomb and cracked on, 25 mins later i realised id just popped the cork to the nightmare that was the next 2 days (food poisioning) i trusted a ■■■■ and just managed to catch it before it turned into a misery, 2 miles from the services and no time to park and run in i headed for the garage dumped the wagon on the pump and made for the disabled, bult my nest and let it go, was there for a good fifteen minutes squirting out the most unholyest of smells, we all lean back and give the smell a rating but this was one to be proud of, one youde bottle up and show ya mates, anyways finishes mops up pushes my nest down the toilet and flushed, the ■■■■■■■ started overflowing there was that much bog roll down it, a womans knocking on the door wanting in, and im ready for round 2, the bogs near overflowing, theres ■■■■ pebbledashed all over the sides of the bog, and theres NO MORE TOILET ROLL or even a toilet brush to wipe the side, i had no choice but to sacrifce my socks for the greater good, the water wouldnt go down theres ■■■■ floating at the top and all the inside of the toilet and now theres a pair of socks to dispose of and no bin, and this woman just wouldnt ■■■■ off, i had my work coat on so quickly turned it inside out so she couldnt see who i worked for and was already to make a dash, when round 3 came about all i had left was my undercackers and i wasnt giving up that get out of jail card just in case i followed threw so i turned on the tap and let it go in the sink washed my arse with soap and water used the handdryer to dry off and made a run for the door, i opened the door and just ran, i ran right past my wagon and made for the service station its self, couldnt risk a phone call to work, as i ran out the woman said at last and then 2 secs later i just heard her say the words YOU DIRTY BASTAARD hence why i abandonded the wagon and made for the services, so if it was your wife/girlfriend/mum/daughter tell her i said sorry, but the ultimate sorry has to go to the lad who cleaned it up 
Plugster:
Freight Dog:
I think you need to change your user name…Never, god made us all to [zb] in the woods (some even to eat it and talk it:( )
Another bad one was at a petrol station toilet, one of those disabled male and womens type jobbys, id ate 3 punnets of fruit the day before and then done a night out in aberdeen, shattered after a 15 i fell into a chippy and got myself a doner meat (pigeon or cat) and chips (fat riddled slugs), ate them and was pleasntly suprised how nice it was, maybe i was just that tired and hungry who knows, anyways next day running in was touching cloth but felt fine pulled in dropped the bomb and cracked on, 25 mins later i realised id just popped the cork to the nightmare that was the next 2 days (food poisioning) i trusted a ■■■■ and just managed to catch it before it turned into a misery, 2 miles from the services and no time to park and run in i headed for the garage dumped the wagon on the pump and made for the disabled, bult my nest and let it go, was there for a good fifteen minutes squirting out the most unholyest of smells, we all lean back and give the smell a rating but this was one to be proud of, one youde bottle up and show ya mates, anyways finishes mops up pushes my nest down the toilet and flushed, the [zb] started overflowing there was that much bog roll down it, a womans knocking on the door wanting in, and im ready for round 2, the bogs near overflowing, theres [zb] pebbledashed all over the sides of the bog, and theres NO MORE TOILET ROLL or even a toilet brush to wipe the side, i had no choice but to sacrifce my socks for the greater good, the water wouldnt go down theres [zb] floating at the top and all the inside of the toilet and now theres a pair of socks to dispose of and no bin, and this woman just wouldnt [zb] off, i had my work coat on so quickly turned it inside out so she couldnt see who i worked for and was already to make a dash, when round 3 came about all i had left was my undercackers and i wasnt giving up that get out of jail card just in case i followed threw so i turned on the tap and let it go in the sink washed my arse with soap and water used the handdryer to dry off and made a run for the door, i opened the door and just ran, i ran right past my wagon and made for the service station its self, couldnt risk a phone call to work, as i ran out the woman said at last and then 2 secs later i just heard her say the words YOU DIRTY BASTAARD hence why i abandonded the wagon and made for the services, so if it was your wife/girlfriend/mum/daughter tell her i said sorry, but the ultimate sorry has to go to the lad who cleaned it up
LostSomeWhere:
dieseldog999:
possibly my best,or at least most recent one would be as i also now have suffered badly from ibs,then a few years ago,comes off the hss into stranraer.flatout lit along the A 75,guts collapse bigtime,here comes the turtles head,so its emergency stop into a layby, leaping out the seat and across to the passenger door bouncing off the windscreen and shoving kegs to my ankles as i lean out the door backwards in a flat panic to spray away from the steps and not splatter inside the cab, just in time to explode like a flock of sparrows coming out of a hedge,simultaniously grabbing both grab handles or the atrocious i was driving at the time,( or not grabbing them as the case actually was)…pause to use your imagination to the 360 degree backward rear flip landing in the grass ive just hosed,( except im still hosing.)…pitch black at night,with the trots down my neck as well as everywhere else…even in my slippers.!!! ( i like driving in slippers or just socks at night before you ask)…4 litres of water and 3 boxes of wetwipes later…the clothes were left in a heap as a present for the 1st parrafin lamp to pass by…needless to say i missed my booking slot…happy days…Dieseldog999 u crack me up (wife thinks I’ve lost it reading this thread )
When u get time can u start a thread about the origins / requirements of being a tang
its already been done a few times…
heres the links…
im Scottish,so I cant really be a born and bred tang…( I JUST LIKE RUNNING WITH THE DONEGAL MAFIA)… 
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=112750
tyronetribulations.com/2014/01/2 … scania-v8/
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=110459&start=0
Since you like these toilet stories here’s one…
dunno how bad this one is from about 5 years ago…
it definitely was embarrassing for me till at least I saw the m6 again,
leader of the 1st pack off the larne/fleetwood boat early morning-flatout lit down the hill over the river ribble at preston full of the joys of spring just in time for the vosa:: follow me sign :: to drag me into bamber bridge not long after it was all brand new done up a few years ago…conversation as follows…over the scales please driver…/ i need to use your bog mate…/ no,there only for vosa and police…ive got ibs and the turtles head,and was going to stop at charnock,so im not kidding you when i say i need to use your bog,i really need to use your bog…no,they are not for the public use…im now holding a bag of wetwipes and a bogroll,plus traffic plod has made an appearance to see if im a candidate for a breach of the peace…,either you let me use it,or im going to go under the trailer and artex the ground exactly where your going to be lying with your wee hammer,i would have made it to charnock,but youve dragged me in here,so let me use them…,no you cant …suit yourself,out the cab,under the trailer at the front of the legs,squats,and kegs coming down,and between them i get a ,ok if you really need to go,then use them,heres the key…all i can say is that i can guarantee no vosa used that bog for the next 24 hours…similar to the above story,artexed the bog everywhere including under the lid etc,( not for badness or on purpose,but it was the full pudding for a bowel evacuation,another flock of sparrows flying out of a hedge etc…,used 3 miles of bogroll,flooded the pan as it was blocked,overflowed and wouldnt flush,etcetc…it didnt go down well with mr vosa,but i never asked to divert into bamber bridge.( well i suppose i did being on paddy plates and in the 1st pack from the boat,but there you go)…and never got done for a thing,except the usual prohibition for abs lead unplugged,and the cancellation certificate when i plugged it in,happy days all round,though possibly not for whoever cleans the bogs at bamber .
I’m Scottish as well
Thanks for the links
Why the abs lead disconnected I’ve read why somewhere but forgot now
LostSomeWhere:
I’m Scottish as well
heres a link for two tangs dubbed into a language that mainland English speakers might find easier to interpretate
youtube.com/watch?v=zuY3uy3YCJs
dieseldog999:
LostSomeWhere:
I’m Scottish as wellheres a link for two tangs dubbed into a language that mainland English speakers might find easier to interpretate
youtube.com/watch?v=zuY3uy3YCJs
once you start on the youtube tangs,you will undoubtedly see this one…an oldie,but I love it…
dieseldog999:
dunno how bad this one is from about 5 years ago…
it definitely was embarrassing for me till at least I saw the m6 again,leader of the 1st pack off the larne/fleetwood boat early morning-flatout lit down the hill over the river ribble at preston full of the joys of spring just in time for the vosa:: follow me sign :: to drag me into bamber bridge not long after it was all brand new done up a few years ago…conversation as follows…over the scales please driver…/ i need to use your bog mate…/ no,there only for vosa and police…ive got ibs and the turtles head,and was going to stop at charnock,so im not kidding you when i say i need to use your bog,i really need to use your bog…no,they are not for the public use…im now holding a bag of wetwipes and a bogroll,plus traffic plod has made an appearance to see if im a candidate for a breach of the peace…,either you let me use it,or im going to go under the trailer and artex the ground exactly where your going to be lying with your wee hammer,i would have made it to charnock,but youve dragged me in here,so let me use them…,no you cant …suit yourself,out the cab,under the trailer at the front of the legs,squats,and kegs coming down,and between them i get a ,ok if you really need to go,then use them,heres the key…all i can say is that i can guarantee no vosa used that bog for the next 24 hours…similar to the above story,artexed the bog everywhere including under the lid etc,( not for badness or on purpose,but it was the full pudding for a bowel evacuation,another flock of sparrows flying out of a hedge etc…,used 3 miles of bogroll,flooded the pan as it was blocked,overflowed and wouldnt flush,etcetc…it didnt go down well with mr vosa,but i never asked to divert into bamber bridge.( well i suppose i did being on paddy plates and in the 1st pack from the boat,but there you go)…and never got done for a thing,except the usual prohibition for abs lead unplugged,and the cancellation certificate when i plugged it in,happy days all round,though possibly not for whoever cleans the bogs at bamber .
More! MORE!
this is definitely my last one…( unless I can remember one not revolving around kakking myself…
several years ago being well cheesed off with life as a truckie i was doing some taxi driving work ,in glasgow…(nuff said)…a female driver starts and similar to when one pops up here,then theres a queue of tail wagging puppies being all very nice,and getting nowhere,though to be fair,she was definately well tasty and not your usual taxi scrubber.( well ok,she was a bit of a scrubber as thats par for the course,but all her tattoos were spelt correctly so that must count for something??) she never lasted long in the job after the following wee story…6 months of fishing,and slowlyslowly catchee monkee at the drivers jollyboy night out before xmas…totally and completely hammered beyond belief,and i end up taking her home,( in reality we helped each other get to her house as she was bladdered bigtime as well)…drunkest night ever,(or at least up there in the top 5)…bear in mind im going from drink befuddled memory now untill i woke up,but there was some serious horizontal jogging going on with a great performance being a screamer and a moaner, and generally all round good sport,(her)…eventually we collapse into a drunken stupor,and earlyish moring i waken needing a pee with the realization that somethings not exactly 100% down below…apparantly i must have dropped an eggy chuffer,and followed through bigtime,and as we were now sleeping back to back,it was all over her as well as me…sooooooooooo…being the gentleman that i am,i got up,had a shower…cleaned myself up,then as i climed back into the edge of the bed,i nudged her awake diplomatically enlightening her to the fact that i think she might want to look and see if shes had a wee accident as theres a bit of a wiffy ming coming up from under the covers…it dawns on her what im implying,so she peeks,and completely believes that she kakked herself in her sleep…instantly mortified and all apologies,plus, i still got my breakfast a cpl of hours later,though ive never seen anyone just so embmarrassed till i eventually coaxed her round…who says being a gentleman dosent pay…
LostSomeWhere:
I’m Scottish as well
Thanks for the links
Why the abs lead disconnected I’ve read why somewhere but forgot now
I forgot to reply,so here it is now,
I always just run with my abs lead dangling,generally when I get pulled,then the hiviz cabbage gives me a prohibition paper defecting me for having the lead not connected,immediately followed by another paper lifting the prohibition because ive plugged it back in…hence beancounter cabbage justifies job catching a hooligan perpertrator of evil truckie breaking a rule…the fact hes doing the paperwork etc,means in my mind,he wont be digging too hard to find something else to do me for due to the fact hes had me stopped in the first place,as theres always another victim coming in at my back…its worked well for me sofar,so who knows… 