Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The instructor conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be cops, huh?”
The three blondes all nodded.
The instructor got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”
So saying that, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
“Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”
The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”
The detective shook his head and said, “Of course, he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a side profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!”
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a side profile of the man’s face! you can only see one ear! You’re excused too!”
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but…”
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”
The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.”
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well …
Hellooooooooooooo!
With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them:
At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family minibus, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,
“How will I know if they are pregnant?”
The other farmer replied. “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.”
The second morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family minibus again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. Both farmers were worn out.
The third morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife,
“Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”
“Neither.” Yelled his wife. “They’re in the minibus and one of them is honking the horn.
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. “Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”
“Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would,” she replies.
He then goes to his sister’s room. “Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”
She replies, “Omigod! Definitely!”
The kid goes back to his father. “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts.”
I’m OKAY!!!
First off, THANK YOU EVERYONE for your concern.
I’m ok, just a little shaken up, but I’ll be ok. For those of you who don’t know what happened, | was robbed yesterday morning at the petrol station.
I gathered myself together, my hands were still shaking, I was dizzy and I honestly think I was in shock. My money was gone. I called the police, they were fantastic and called for medical assistance as my blood pressure was through the roof.
The police asked me if I knew who did it, and I told them "Yes, it was pump number 4 !!!
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age,
in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed
during ■■■ and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled
to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to
see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in
the village.
The Vet didn’t have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot
summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that
was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her
relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a
big towel over them while they were having ■■■. This, the Vet said,
would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, and then climax…
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big
towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still
had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to
change partners and let the young man have ■■■ with her while Paddy
waved the big towel…
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming,
ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a
half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young
man and in a boasting voice said: "And that, me auld son, is how ya wave
a ■■■■■■’ towel
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked.
“What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter ■■■■■■ exhaustion?”
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand.”
Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, “That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary.”
Somewhat taken aback, O’Leary replied, “That’s very cheap,” and handed over his money.
“Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition”, said the barman. “And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England”.
“That is remarkable value”, Michael comments.
“I see you don’t seem to have a glass, so you’ll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please.”
O’Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. “Ah, you want to sit down?” said the barman. “That’ll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1.”
“I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please”.
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can’t squeeze in, he complains “Nobody would fit in that little frame”.
“I’m afraid if you can’t fit in the frame you’ll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir”.
O’Leary swore to himself, but paid up. “I see that you have brought your laptop with you” added the barman. “And since that wasn’t pre-booked either, that will be another £3.”
O’Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, “This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager”.
“I see you want to use the counter,” says the barman, “that will be £2 please.”
O’Leary’s face was red with rage. “Do you know who I am?”
“Of course I do Mr. O’Leary.”
“I’ve had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!”
“Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof”.
“I will never use this bar again”.
“OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1.”
Have a good weekend
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have ■■■ three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, “Sean, if I’m not bein too forward, I’d luv to 'ave ■■■ with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.”
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate ■■■ together.
Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I’m shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand.”
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay.”
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better ■■■ than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You’ll have to…"
“I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun.”
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it’s all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. “Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?”
Sean replies, “No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bhitch sthole ma wallet.”
petrol station owner was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, ‘Free ■■■ with Fill-Up.’
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free ■■■.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free ■■■.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, ‘You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No ■■■ this time.’
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free ■■■.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, ‘Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free ■■■ this time.’
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
‘I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really
give away free ■■■ at all.’
Paddy replied, 'No it’s genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week
Sven Goran Ericsson is on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” and has
reached the million pound question.
Chris Tarrant says “Right Sven, this is for one million pounds, and
remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.
Here’s your question: What type of animal lives in a sett?
a) a badger
b) a ferret
c) a mole or
d) a cuckoo?”
Sven ponders for a while and says “No, I’m sorry Chris, I’m not too
sure. I’ll have to go 50-50.”
“Right, Sven, let’s take away two wrong answers and see what you’re left
with.” Badger and Cuckoo are the two remaining answers.
Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says “No, Chris, I’m
still not sure, I’m going to have to phone a friend.”
“So who are you going to call, Sven?” says Chris.
“Hmmm… I think I’ll call David Beckham.”
So Tarrant phones David Beckham.
“David, this is Chris Tarrant from ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’.
I’ve got Sven Goran Ericsson here, and with your help he could win one
million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sven’s”.
“Hello David” says Sven. “It’s the boss here. What type of animal lives
in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?”
“It’s a badger, boss.” says Becks without hesitation.
“You sure, son?” says Sven.
“Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It’s a badger. Definitely.”
“Right, Chris,” says Sven, “I’ll go with David. The answer’s a badger.
Final answer.”
“Sven,” says Chris, “That’s the correct answer. You’ve won One million
pounds!!” Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.
“Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a
gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did
you know that a badger lives in a sett?”
“Oh I didn’t, boss,” replies Beckham, “But everybody knows that a cuckoo
lives in a clock.”
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy cold winter. They both had jobs, and had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address and sent the e-mail without noticing his error.
In the mean time:
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been “called home to glory” following a heart attack (died and gone to report in heaven). The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from family and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I’ve arrived!
I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
An old man was crying in the street one day.
A passer by stopped to ask what was causing the old gent such distress.
“I’m married to a twenty year old blonde who cooks great meals for me,she does all the housework,gives me money when I want and makes love to me three times a day” the old man sobbed."
For heavens sake man,why are you so upset?" asked the passer by.The old man cried “I’ve forgotten where I live!!!”
THE Old Man And The Beaver
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.
“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?” asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied, "My point exactly
Husband and Wife sitting in a Pub, and Wife keeps stareing at a Drunken man cradling his Pint as he sits alone,
Husband say’s “you know him?” wife say’s " he’s my old boyfriend
I’m told he started DRINKING right after we split up 10 years ago, and he hasn’t being sober since.
“crikey” says husband, "…who’d have though a fella could go on CELEBRATING that Fing LONG
Lorry drivers definition of ■■■…
line her up, back her in… lift the legs… connect your lines… release brakes and let her rip, tip load, dont sign anything and (zb) off quick!
Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United
States when his telephone rang.
“Hallo, Mr. Chirac!,” a heavily accented voice said.
“This is Paddy down at “The Harp” Pub in County Sligo, Ireland.
I’m ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
“Well, Paddy,” Chirac replied, “This is indeed worrying news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub.
That makes eight!"
Chirac paused.
“I must tell you, Paddy that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Begorra!” said Paddy.
“I’ll have to ring you back!”
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again.
“Mr Chirac, the war is still on.
We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be, Paddy?,” Chirac asked.
“Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”
Chirac sighed, amused.
“I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers.
Also, I’ve increased my army to one hundred and fifty thousand since we last spoke.”
“Saints preserve us!,” said Paddy.
“I’ll have to get back to you.”
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day.
“Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We’ve managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from “The Shamrock” Pub have joined us as well!”
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
“I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites, and, since we last talked, I’ve increased my army to two hundred thousand!”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!,” said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day.
“Top o’ the mornin’, Mr Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Chirac.
“Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well,” said Paddy,
“we’ve all had a long chat over a bunch of beers and decided there’s no [zb]ing way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners.”
A Russian soldier in Moscow ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, I’ll explain later.” The nun agreed.
A moment later two military police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, "He went that way.”
After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can’t thank you enough Sister.
You see, I don’t want to go to Ukraine.”
The nun said, "I understand completely.”
The soldier added, "I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would’ve also seen a great pair of balls. I don’t want to go to Ukraine either.”
NINE WORDS or PHRASES WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing… (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing…)
(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’. That will bring on a ‘whatever’)…
(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying SOD YOU!
(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response, refer to # 3.