Jokes

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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist’s desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman
who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
‘YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?’

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

‘NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A ■■■ CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.’

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A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. ‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?’

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual” he replied.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, “Are you two an item?”

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

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Putin’s is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, “What’s going on?”
Policeman: “A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He’s demanding 10 million rubles, or he’ll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we’re asking drivers for donations.”
Driver: “Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average.”
Policeman: “About a gallon.”

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay

My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, “Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year.”

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Kildare. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. After the pints are placed onto the bar, three bluebottles drop into each man’s freshly poured pint.

The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders up another. The Scot reaches in and plucks the fly out.

The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, “Spit it out you little ■■■■■■■

[franglais]

I don`t care what your politics are, this is pretty well done.
If you are a snowflake look away now!

youtube.com/watch?v=XTyPJz7DwxI

And keep an eye on the background, a cast of many familiar characters.

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The poor man asks the rich man, “What are you getting your wife this Christmas?” The rich man replies, “Diamond earrings and a Mercedes.” The poor man asks, “Why are you getting her two gifts?” The rich man says, “Well, if she doesn’t like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them.”

The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, “So what are you getting your wife this year?” The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, “A pair of slippers and a ■■■■■.”

The rich man asks, “Why those two things?” The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go [zb] herself

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Q: If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?

A: Australian!

Q: How many Aussies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Three. One to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder.

Q: What do you call an Aussie in the finals of the World Cup?

A: The referee.

Q: What do you call a ■■■■■■■ Aussie?

A: Ned Smelly

Q: What’s the difference between Cinderella and Melbourne FC?

A: Cinderella wanted to get to the ball

An Aussie said, “Take away your snow capped mountains, culture, and good food, and what would New Zealand be?”

The kiwi answered, “Australia”.

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What do you call an Aussie who can read and write?

Talented.

[buckstones]

What’s an Australians idea of foreplay?
“You awake?”

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Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name. “Polo, I’m the one with the hole” she said with a Wispa. “I’m Marathon, the one with the nuts” he replied. He touched her Creme Eggs and slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks as she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre. But 3 days later his sherbert dib-dab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he’s got ■■■■■■ Allsorts!

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An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.
The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn’t notice.
The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
“You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!”
The Scotsman says to the Englishman:
“Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman.”
He says to the baker,
“Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!”
The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker:
“Give me another cookie for my magic trick.”
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again:
"Give me one more cookie… "
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
“And where is your famous magic trick?”
The Scotsman says:
“Look in the Englishman’s pocket!”

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A man went into a Birmingham supermarket asking to buy half a cauliflower.
The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers.

The man persisted, and asked to see the manager; so the boy went to find him.

Walking into the stock room, unaware that the customer was following him, the boy said to his manager, “Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned and was horrified to find the customer now standing right behind him so, quick as a flash, he added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?" “Cardiff, sir,” the boy replied. “Why did you leave Cardiff?" the manager asked.

“Sir, there’s absolutely nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players,” the boy replied.

“Really?” said the manager, “My wife is from Cardiff.”

“Are you kidding!?” replied the boy. “What position did she play?”

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Don’t ever underestimate a Scottish police officer?
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish cop’s expense!

Scottish cop says, “License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Scottish cop says, “Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Scottish cop says, “Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Scottish cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Scottish cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Scottish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living ■■■■ out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop or just slow down?”

Scottish blood
An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn’t be found locally, the call went out around the world.

A Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a further corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood. After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?”

To this the Arab replied: " Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins."

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Paddy Englishman and Paddy Irishman are walking along the beach together, when they come upon a lamp in the sand. Being familiar with such clichés, they picked up the lamp, rubbed it, and lo and behold a genie appeared before them.

“For releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you both one wish each.”

Paddy Englishman goes first, and thinks silently for a moment:

“Well, genie, I love my country, and I’m sick of it being ruined by lazy immigrants who do nothing but live off of state benefits and handouts. I wish all the immigrants were gone from my country, and that it was just us English that lived there. Furthermore, I want a giant wall built around the coast and borders of England so nobody else can get in.”

“Done” says the genie, and ■■■■ Paddy Englishman is back in England with the rest of his compatriots

“Genie,” says Paddy Irishman, “tell me more of this giant wall surrounding England”

“Well, it’s over a mile high and half a mile thick. Nothing can get in or out.” the genie replied

Paddy Irishman thought for a moment, then looked to the genie and said:

“Fill it with water.”

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Trump goes to Israel on a diplomatic mission, has a heart attack and dies. Two men from the American Embassy come to collect his body.

“OK, “ says the Israeli, “here’s the deal. You can ship him home for $2,500 or you can bury him here for $200.”

“We’ll ship him home,” says Attache #1.

The Israeli is astonished. “But look at the money you’ll save by burying him here!”

“Oh, we know that,” says Attache #2.

“Well, wouldn’t you like to save the money?”

“Sure, that would be nice,” says Attache #1, “but we know that some time ago you buried a fellow here, and three days later he got up and started walking around and talking. And…well, we just can’t risk it.”

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A first grade teacher in Canada explains to her class that she is an American. She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world, and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I am not an American.” says Kristen

“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”

“I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

“Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.” The teacher is now angry.

“That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be an American.”

[whisperingsmith]