HM Government Situations vacant.
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost.
He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, “Can you please help me, I don’t know what Hole I’m on.”
She told him “You are one hole behind me. I’m on 7; you’re on 6.”
He thanked her and continued playing golf.
Later, he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed.
“I’m sorry to bother you again but I’m lost; can you please tell me what hole I’m on.”
She told him, “You are one hole behind me. I’m on 14; you are on 13.”
Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse.
He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out.
She accepted.
As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.
“I’m in sales,” she said.
He replied, “No kidding; so am I.”
“What do you sell?”
She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised.
She said, “I sell sanitary napkins.”
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, “You promised you wouldn’t laugh”.
He replied (still with tears in his eyes), “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help it. I sell toilet paper… I’m still one Hole behind you.”
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter “What you doing?” she asked,
“Hunting flies,” he replied,
“Oh, have you killed any?”
“Yep, 3 males, 2 females,” he answers proudly
Intrigued, the Wife asked, “How can you tell them apart?”
Husband says “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says. “I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a ■■■■■■■■ there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs and comes back down with his suitcase packed as well.
Where do you think you going?” the wife asks. “I’m coming with you; I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!”
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio:“Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, “Well, how was that?”
The Airbus pilot answers:“Very impressive, but now you look!”
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, “Well, how was that?”
Confused, the jet pilot asks,“What did you do?”
The AirBus pilot laughs and says,"I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry.
The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seem to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.
This is called S.O.S. Slower, Older, but Smarter.
■■■■ has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Tennessee as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it`s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he`s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and there is a big, bearded Hillbilly standing there.
“Name’s Billy Bob… Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge… having a party Saturday… thought you`d like to come.”
“Great,” says ■■■■, “after six months of this I`m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Billy Bob is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there`s gonna be some drinkin.”
“Not a problem… after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of `em.”
Again, as he starts to leave Billy Bob stops. “Morenlikely gonna be some fightin` too.”
Darn, ■■■■ thinks. Tough crowd. “Well, I get along with people. I`ll be there. Thanks again.”
Once again Billy Bob turns from the door. “I`ve seen some wild ■■■ at these parties, too.”
“Now thats not a problem" says ■■■■, "Remember Ive been alone for six months! I`ll definitely be there… by the way, what should I wear?”
Billy Bob stops at the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us…”
I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me.
The usual signs such as if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. The there’s when she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I actually hid in the shed behind the
boat that is parked in the driveway. When she came home she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her knickers out of her ■■■■■ and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do i need to replace it?
lancpudn:
LOL twitter.com/ChrisGoGodfrey/stat … 4%3Fs%3D24
I love the way we can laugh in the face of…
well…anything…!
.
Scrolling down…oh, well…
Boat for sale ad in Weymouth.
"2010 Sailing boat
£200
Listed in Weymouth, England
About This Vehicle
Exterior colour: White
Seller’s Description
2010 Mirror Dinghy · Driven NaN miles
Fancy dying at sea?
Need to get to France but won’t have the vaccine?
International drug runner?
You’re in luck! Kittywake is here!
Designed to seat 2 adults and 2 children.
Here for sale is a piece of history. A useable “mirror dinghy”
If you feel like life’s a little too stressful and need to get away. Here’s everything you need to get sailing abroad
Boat with masts, oars, keel, sails ready to go
Road trailer in useable condition
Piggy back trailer for launching
And a copy of jack de crow which is about the boat for reading material whilst you cross the channel and a British seagull outboard motor for when the rozzers are on your case.
Has a weather cover too!
Make your money back bringing a few foreigners over!
May swap/part x something funny "
It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping.
Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
“What is that?” he asked. She said, “I visited the tattoo parlor today.
On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo ‘Merry Christmas,’ and on the inside of the other one they tattooed ‘Happy New Year.’” Perplexed, he asked, “Why did you do that?” “Well,” she replied, “now you can’t complain that there’s never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!”
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces,
“If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”
She removes all her clothing and asks,
“Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,
“Here, iron this!”.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit.
He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well,” explained the husband, “it all goes back to our honeymoon.
We visited the ■■■■■■■■■■■■ and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.”
‘We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said ‘That’s once.’ We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly spoke: ‘That’s twice.‘ We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
My wife promptly removed a revolver from her ■■■■■, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead.”
“I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.”‘
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her. “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for.” he said.
“I’m off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.”
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.” The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. “What are you doing here?” the Captain asked. “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained, “He’s taking me to America, and he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” said the Captain. “This is the Dover-Calais ferry.”
Tesco have installed a medical machine, that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read “You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks”
Impressed, my mate wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tapwater with dog ■■■, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture. When he tipped it into the machine the next day,
the printout read: “1. Your tapwater is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your elbow won’t get better!” Thank you for shopping at Tesco.
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I’d get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you’re calling for a cab.
I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ■■■. You know the kind.
So I’m in my room and figure, what the hell, I’ll give her a call.
“Hello?” the woman says. God, she sounded ■■■■.
“Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I’m in town all alone and what I really want is ■■■. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I’m talking ■■■■■ the whole night long. You name it, we’ll do it.
Bring all your implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks.We’ll go hot and heavy all night Tie me up, wear a ■■■■■■■■, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?”
She says, “That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9.”