Jokes

OUT OF HOURS BULLY'S TRUCKSTOP BAR (INTERACTIVE)
121

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually
got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain,

“You’ve got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens,”
he said to the local police officer. “What do you want me to do?” asked the policeman.
“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”
So the next day the policeman had the council erect a sign that said:

SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said,
“You’ve still got to do something about these drivers.
The school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster!”
So again, they put up a new sign
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said,
“Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?”
In order to get Farmer ■■■■■■■■ his back the policeman said,
“Sure. Put up your own sign.”
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the officer, so he called Farmer Jack,
“How is the problem with the speeding drivers, Did you put up your sign?”
“Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.”
The policeman was really curious and thought he’d better go out and take a look at the sign.
He also thought the sign may be something the police could use elsewhere to slow drivers down
So he drove out to Farmer Jack’s house
His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign . . . .
NUDIST COLONY
Slow down and watch for chicks !

122

BREAKING NEWS: MANCHESTER TO RE-ENTER LOCKDOWN

Matt Hancock has announced that Manchester will be placed on FULL lockdown tonight!

Hancock said, “It has come to my attention that thousands of United & City fans have made two unnecessary trips to Europe within the last 7 days!”

123

The Pope was having a shower. Although he’s very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy ■■■■■ flying through the air. “Hold on a minute!” said the Pope, You can’t do that - you’ll destroy the reputation of the Church!". “This is my lottery win”, said the photographer, “I’ll be financially secure for life with these photos!” So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000. The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, “That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?” Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, “Two million Dollars…” “TWO MILLION Dollars!” replied the housekeeper, they must have seen you coming!!!

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125

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop’s expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, “What for?”
Glasgow cop says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Glasgow cop says, "You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and Registration, Please.”
London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Glasgow cop says, “The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law, License and registration, please!”
London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Glasgow cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the lawyer and says,
“Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”

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WEMBLEY TICKETS…
England v Scotland
Friday 18th June 2021
Kick Off 8pm

One of mates has spare two tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. He paid £300 each, but he didn’t realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It’s at Reading Registry Office, at 2.30pm. The bride’s name is Moira, she’s 5’4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.

129

I admire a man with the capability to plan ahead….

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130

saw a bloke walking down the road with a 10ft pole on his shoulder me being nosey i asked him are you a pole vaulter, no he said i am german but how did you know my name was walter…■■ :slight_smile:

131

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. “Well sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, father.” “In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.” “I agree.” “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?” “Anything father.” “I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.” “Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. “Sister would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "
Father, could I ask something of you?" “Yes sister?” “I have never seen a man’s ■■■■■. Could I see yours?” “I supposed that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe. “Oh father, may I touch it?” This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
“Sister, you know that if I insert my ■■■■■ in the right place, it can give life.” “Is that true father?” “Yes it is, sister.” “Then why don’t you stick it up that camel’s ■■■ and lets get the hell out of here.”

132

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

133

There was this little boy about 10 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He walked up to a ■■■■■ house and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, “I want to have ■■■ with one of the women inside. I have the money and I’m not leaving until I do.” The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, “Do any of the girls have any diseases?” Of course, the Madam said no. He said,“I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT’S the girl I want!” Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, “Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?”
He said, “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have ■■■ with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys.
She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he’ll jump the baby-sitter’s bones, and he’ll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have ■■■, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, because that ■■■■ mailman is the son-of-a-bi*ch who ran over my FROG!”

134

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I’ll be right back.

“Where are you going?” asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.”

The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 19 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, USA, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, lolly pop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses…”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, puppy face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back, I promise. OK?”

“You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?” She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

“But my sweet honey… at the bar… you know… there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?..“LISTEN UP ********! DRINK YOUR ******* BEER IN YOUR BLEEDIN’ FROZEN MUG AND EAT ************ SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE!
GOT IT, ********?”

…and, they lived happily ever after according to her.

135

Once there was a one eyed man who walked in to a pet shop He said “Hi I’d like to buy that parrot”
The clerk said "I think that the bird will make fun of your one eye The guy laughingly says “I think I can deal with it”
He gets the bird home and says “Polly want a cracker?” The bird replied “■■■■ you you one eyed ■■■■■■■■
Then the guy hit the parrot on the head with a spoon He says “Polly want a cracker?” and the bird says “■■■■ you you one eyed ■■■■■■■■
Then he puts the bird in the microwave for 30 seconds and says it again and again the bird says “■■■■ you you one eyed ■■■■■■■■
So he puts it in the freezer and says he will come back in ten minutes He ends up falling asleep for 3 hours He wakes up and says “Oh ■■■■ the bird”
He goes upstairs to get the bird, opens the freezer and sees the bird frozen solid with his middle finger up and one hand over his eye

136

Paco Gutierrez…

Age 9, always wanted a Nintendo console. However, due to being extremely poor living in Venezuela, it was just a distant dream. Using his creativity and with help from his uncle, he made a cardboard Super Mario game, posted it on YouTube and the video went viral. Thanks to the video, Nintendo’s CEO Doug Bowser found the story and decided to do something about it.

Doug personally traveled to Venezuela and gave young Paco a Cease and Desist order as well as sue his family for 200 million dollars.

137

An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Englishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave,” the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?” the Sheikh asked.

The Englishman smiled and said, “Tie the Frenchman to my back.”

138

A little boy and his friends are being called ■■■■■■■■ and ■■■■■■■ by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, “Dad, what are ■■■■■■■■ and ■■■■■■■?” And his dad replies, “■■■■■■■ are ladies and ■■■■■■■■ are gentlemen.”
Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, “■■■■!” “Mom, what is ■■■■?” and she says, “Perfume.”
So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, “■■■■!” The boy asks, “Dad, what does ■■■■ mean?” and dad says “preparing.”
Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have ■■■ when his dad says, “Where are the condoms?” The little boy asks, “What are condoms?” and his father says, “Condoms are coats and jackets.”
The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says,
"Hello! Please come in, ■■■■■■■■ and ■■■■■■■. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing ■■■■ on her face and my dad is downstairs ■■■■■■■ the chicken.

139

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town,
when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for ■■■.”
The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have ■■■.
After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.

140

My local scarecrow has just won an award for being outstanding in his field…