A cowboy and an Indian are riding horseback.
The Indian stops his horse, jumps off and puts his ear to the ground.
He looks up at the cowboy and says, “Buffalo come”.
The cowboy looks around and then back at the Indian. “How the hell do you know that?”
The Indian replied, “Ear sticky”.
Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn’t have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it. The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It’s shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. ‘Well, it’s quite simple,’ says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. ‘When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.’ ‘No problem,’ he says… And in they go. Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. She’s got a great body too. Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her ■■■■■■■, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. She has a big ■■■■■■, & Joe sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still … . Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouts. I’ll do the [zb] dishes!!
Back and forth…back and forth. In and out…in and out.A little to the right…a little to the left. She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end. He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved… Forwards then backwards…forward then backward… Again…and again!
Her heart was pounding now…Her face was flushed…She groaned… softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream,“OK, you smug b******, so I can’t parallel park. You do it!”
A Yorkshire man lay dying on his bed.
Is my wife here?
Yes.
Are my children here?
Yes.
Are my grandchildren here?
Yes.
Then why is the light on in the hall?
She said…
‘You need to be more in touch with your feminine side’.
So I went out and crashed her car.
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in the Clubhouse bar…
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How’s the singing career going?”
Stevie replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”
Woods replies, “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right, now.”
Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”
Incredulous, Tiger says, “You play GOLF?”
Stevie says, “Yes, I’ve been playing for years.”
Tiger says, “But – you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”
Stevie Wonder replies, “Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”
But, “How do you putt” asks Tiger.
“Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice.”
Tiger asks, “What’s your handicap?”
Stevie says, “Well, actually – I’m a scratch golfer.”
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”
Stevie replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?”
Woods thinks about it and says, “I can afford that; OK, I’m game for that… $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?”
Stevie Wonder says, “Pick a night.”
Latest news. France and Germany have suspended their vaccination programmes and called for further tests amid fears that the Oxford Astra Zeneca vaccine attracts moving objects after a man was run over by a bus after leaving a vaccination centre.
A female athlete says to her doctor." I think I’ve started growing a ■■■■■.I could maybe have been overdoing the steroids."
Doctor says. “Anabolics?”
Athlete says." No.Just a ■■■■■,so far."
A woman went to the doctor’s office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.
After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,
“What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
“Does she still have the hickups?”
An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him:
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said. “You Australian folk eat the whole bread?”
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied. “Of course.”
The American blew a huge bubble. “We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.”
The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted. “Do you eat jam with the bread?”
Sighing, the Australian replied. “Of course.”
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said. “We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them and transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.”
The Australian then asked. “Do you have ■■■ in the States?”
The American smiled and said. “Why of course we do.”
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked. “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”
“We throw them away, of course.”
Now it was the Australian’s turn to smile.
“We don’t. In Australia we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?”
Bigtruck3:
An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him:
I know that bloke, he lives on an island just a bit east of Caboolture. 
A blind man went to a restaurant. menu sir? asked the owner. I’m blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order.
The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables.
Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left.
Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did.
He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, ■■■■ me! I never knew Brenda worked here
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon
The son says, “I did some schoolwork.”
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, “OK, OK. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”
Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”
Son says, “Toy Story.”
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, “OK, OK. We were watching ■■■■.”
Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what ■■■■ was.”
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep
I got to chatting with a girl in a bar last night,
“Can I buy you a drink?” I asked.
“Don’t you have a girlfriend?” she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
"“No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago,” I assured her.
“Oh I’m sorry to hear that,” she said, "Go on then, I’ll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, “So, you’re good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?”
I said, “My wife found out.”
Paddy turned up at the doctors surgery only to be told that his old doctor had now retired and that he would have to see the new doctor.
He walked into the doctors office only to be confronted with the new, very attractive, young female doctor who asked Paddy what she could do for him.
Paddy felt a bit embarrassed and said “well, I was sat in the bath this morning and I could feel a lump down there” as he pointed downwards. The doctor said “well take off your trousers and lie on the bed”.
After about ten minutes of the doctor fiddling about with Paddy’s genitalia she said “I can’t feel a lump”.
Paddy said “it’s on my toe”.
What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? “I want you inside me.”
Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the ■■■■■■. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
They say that during ■■■ you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
I’ll admit it, I have a tremendous ■■■ drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.
Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
What’s the difference between ■■■■■ and perverted? ■■■■■ is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
“I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time,” a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, “Your ■■■■■ is bigger than your brother’s.”
A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, “Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?” The boyfriend says, “Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.”