Copied this,
So I’ve written a little job advertisement that quite accurately portrays an HGV drivers week but in the context of an office job. Any takers?
*** WANTED ***
Office staff.
Hrs 9am -12 midnight 3 times a week
9am - 10pm 2 days a week.
Will be required to sit at your desk for up to 4.5hrs at a time then take a 45min break which you won’t be paid for but must stay in the vicinity of your desk.
Customers are well within their rights to talk down to you, abuse you and generally be awkward. There is nothing you can do about this and should you attempt to defend yourself you will be reported.
Expect any mistakes to be videod and splashed all over social media.
Should you run out of time whilst carrying out your tasks you will be expected to sleep behind your desk. We cannot guarantee desk security and you may be held responsible should anything go missing.
Toilet facilities are limited, no canteen, or shops nearby.
When busy you will be expected to work Saturday mornings after sleeping behind your desk all week. It doesn’t matter if you have a family. You must always put work first.
Also, any error in judgement may result in a large fine, jail sentence or even death of a member of public (which you will be accountable for) or yourself.
Salary £10ph.
I wonder how many applicants this job would get
£10 per hour is good from some of the recent wage threads we have seen.
Amusing but…
Apart from a couple of bits on running out of time and having to sleep at your desk, it’s a very accurate description of
the job a friend of mine has in the Customer Relations dept for a utility company. He is counting down the days to retirement.
I’ve had non driving jobs which paid less than that and had worse working conditions.
I read crap like this and come to the conclusion that most drivers have never done anything else.
What a load of drivvel, if you don’t like the way things are with driving lorries and the hours and responsibilities that come with it, bore off and do something else like sit at a desk and push pens.
If you think lorry driving conditions are bad you really haven’t done a job that is actually hard and crap.
A.
I’ll ■■■■■, moan and whinge with the best of them, but I don’t think that I’ve ever moaned at the actual job mainly the things that get in the way of me doing my job. Nobody has ever held a loaded gun to my head and forced me to drive a lorry and if it ever got to the stage where I hated it I’d leave, simple as that.
I dont think anybody has forced me to drive for 4.5 hours before taking a break. I have always stopped when I felt like stopping.
And nobody has told me I must stay near the lorry during my break…many a time I have buggered off to do a bit of shopping during a 45 min break.
Again nobody has ever forced me to run in on a Saturday…maybe its because I have a pair and I TELL my planners I WILL be home friday.
Its all about getting the job right for you and not letting the job dictate your life.
I know the OP put it as a joke, and I will read it like that.
But try to do a week or 2 as a planner or customer relations officer.
Customer speaks down to you and make its famous remark “that’s not good enough”
Your Boss shouts at you that we need to keep the customer happy, so deliver.
The account shouts at you we don’t make any profit, plan tighter
You collection point tells you that they have no product ready in time.
Your drivers is moaning that if he cannot load in time, he doesn’t have enough hours, or he doesn’t want to park up at the customer after delivery, or he plays card on a Wednesday and need to be home on time.
You receiver phones 10 times an hour for and ETA, and is threatening with a costly claim.
Your receiver phones your customer, who in turn phones you again for an ETA.
Your customer phones your boss, who in turns phones you, etc etc.
If you think that is the life, please try it, I have done both sides of the job, and I am glad I am now only sideways involved in transport.
I you think drivers are under pressure, try the office, or become a TM, and you will miss your days behind the wheel, every second of the day.
I done driving and office jobs for 20 odd and 15 years, and I know what is worse, and it’s not the driving.
This or very similar has been posted before.
The trouble is the two jobs are obviously different, most people who drive professionally do so because they want to. Difference being you are being stimulated by driving seeing different places/things that being stuck in an office you don’t, the same walls, buildings, people day after day is what a lot of office jobs involve if you like that fair enough, but most drivers like the “freedom” the job gives them to see parts of the country or world, if lucky enough, your not going to see being in an office environment.
The reason driving is interesting to me is that I did a lot of seeing different places in a former job and the travelling about was part of the job I liked. My current job involved going to different sites and doing various job roles which I found interesting and kept me fairly content but in the last few years due to company changes I’m stuck in the same place now and by Christ it does get boring same thing most days which is why driving appeals to me.
The main plus points I see to driving are:
seeing different places
not being stuck with the same faces or cliques that permanent workplaces develop
hopefully have your own entertainment radio music or whatever
minimal dealings with other people
bit more of a challenge and job satisfaction
Granted you can have a comfortable dump and probably know your start and finish times in an office but if you WANT to drive or do something else entirely for a living I can’t see an office or factory job appealing so why compare one with the other?
caledoniandream:
I know the OP put it as a joke, and I will read it like that.But try to do a week or 2 as a planner or customer relations officer.
Customer speaks down to you and make its famous remark “that’s not good enough”
Your Boss shouts at you that we need to keep the customer happy, so deliver.
The account shouts at you we don’t make any profit, plan tighter
You collection point tells you that they have no product ready in time.
Your drivers is moaning that if he cannot load in time, he doesn’t have enough hours, or he doesn’t want to park up at the customer after delivery, or he plays card on a Wednesday and need to be home on time.
You receiver phones 10 times an hour for and ETA, and is threatening with a costly claim.
Your receiver phones your customer, who in turn phones you again for an ETA.
Your customer phones your boss, who in turns phones you, etc etc.If you think that is the life, please try it, I have done both sides of the job, and I am glad I am now only sideways involved in transport.
I you think drivers are under pressure, try the office, or become a TM, and you will miss your days behind the wheel, every second of the day.
I done driving and office jobs for 20 odd and 15 years, and I know what is worse, and it’s not the driving.
absolutely bang on - been both sides of the fence for over 35 years now and still occasionally drive on the odd day - its like a breath of fresh air even with the traffic problems and the idiots you meet driving now, even when I do a long day (15 hours) still feel better without the constant pestering you get in a office
Honestly, anybody who looks upon their profession with such contempt, should hang up their keys and find a new career.
Whilst I am aware that the OP was sharing satirical post, there are many who genuinely look upon the job in such a fashion, and to them I say adios, good luck in your new venture.
RB84:
This or very similar has been posted before.
The trouble is the two jobs are obviously different, most people who drive professionally do so because they want to. ?
I think the trouble is that we are getting guys who have fell into trucking, or spent the cash because from the outside they thought trucking looked an easy number, then the reality of long hours and little home life dawns, but they’ve spent the cash so need to justify the cost by staying put.
There’s broadly speaking 2 types of driver, you can break it down to sub sections but I’ll keep to 2. I’m talking all classes of licence holders. There’s those of us to whom the art of driving is a purpose in its own right. Then there is those to whom the act of driving, is just a means to an end, be that to put money in the bank, or the daily commute school run shopping, whatever. If you are of the former mind set, then personal pride makes every journey an event to be relished, to be executed to the best of your ability. If you are of the latter mind set then every journey is to be endured, a challenge to your nerves and lack of ability. I’m pleased to say that I’m in the former camp, every journey is an event to be relished.
Apart from a spell in a factory when I first left school, and then a couple of years on building sites, driving has been my career, and I don’t regret it for one minute. When other drivers tell me how good this job or that career was, I wonder, why did you leave if it was so good, or did you spend your time moaning about that job too 
some people are never satified 
eddie snax:
RB84:
This or very similar has been posted before.
The trouble is the two jobs are obviously different, most people who drive professionally do so because they want to. ?I think the trouble is that we are getting guys who have fell into trucking, or spent the cash because from the outside they thought trucking looked an easy number, then the reality of long hours and little home life dawns, but they’ve spent the cash so need to justify the cost by staying put.
There’s broadly speaking 2 types of driver, you can break it down to sub sections but I’ll keep to 2. I’m talking all classes of licence holders. There’s those of us to whom the art of driving is a purpose in its own right. Then there is those to whom the act of driving, is just a means to an end, be that to put money in the bank, or the daily commute school run shopping, whatever. If you are of the former mind set, then personal pride makes every journey an event to be relished, to be executed to the best of your ability. If you are of the latter mind set then every journey is to be endured, a challenge to your nerves and lack of ability. I’m pleased to say that I’m in the former camp, every journey is an event to be relished.
Apart from a spell in a factory when I first left school, and then a couple of years on building sites, driving has been my career, and I don’t regret it for one minute. When other drivers tell me how good this job or that career was, I wonder, why did you leave if it was so good, or did you spend your time moaning about that job too
Thats a good post mate…And could’nt agree with you more.
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Bloody hell 
There’s a serious sense of humour famine on here today
The lad just wrote it as a bit of a joke, lighten up ffs.
O/p…I think it’s amusing and quite true mate if nobody else does.
There was a new kid started in the office, at a good firm I worked at in Colchester, we all got on great usually, and I was usually left alone to do the job in my own way, but this new kid tried to tell me to take 9 hours off one day…
After I told him to go and ■■■■ himself I said ‘‘When you finish this afternoon at 5pm and re.start at 2 am at your desk, I’ll take 9 off when you tell me’’
He told the boss…who just laughed much to his annoyance, and he never bothered me again.
It looks bad when you word it like that but in fairness, anyone who gets into the industry knows the hours etc come with the territory and thats what the job is
Except unplanned nights out of course. They are never acceptable…
The-Snowman:
It looks bad when you word it like that but in fairness, anyone who gets into the industry knows the hours etc come with the territory and thats what the job isExcept unplanned nights out of course. They are never acceptable…
Are you still carrying that sleeping bag around with you.? 
Job advert for office staff.
9am start. Work for 4 hours.
1pm break for 15 mins.
Work for 3 hours.
4:15pm break for 30 mins.
Work for 3 3/4 hours.
Finish 8:30pm.
Get home, shower and eat tea - 10pm
Take dog for a walk or cut the grass - 11pm
Watch tv and relax, chat with wife and kids - 12:30.
Brush teeth and have ■■■ - 1am.
7 hours sleep and alarm at 8am ready to repeat. (■■■ optional)
Would you go for this job■■?
Not me, way too much ■■■
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"You must provide your own drawer handles, and any mistakes made whilst using the filing cabinet will result in a heavy fine and/or dismissal."
“If someone else in the office makes a mistake or acts deliberately in a manner that loses you money, instead of it being called “theft”, they’ll be promoted, and you’ll be put on report for bringing any action without sufficient proof.”
“You will not have access to any computers, so there will never be any proof that is of any use to yourself, although there will always be plenty that can be used against you.”
“Adherence to EU laws shall take prescedence at all times, even over any former ideals of ‘the company bottom line comes first’.”
“Expect to be booked off during quiet periods. The basic hourly rate is 10% above minimum wage, so 10% of your hours can be docked totally legally, reducing the net hourly rate to around NMW +0.00001% to comply with trades description of ‘job pays more than minimum wage’.”
Lunch and travel expenses are included in your basic hourly rate, but cannot actually be offset via HMRC because you are deemed to be ‘Employed PAYE’ rather than ‘Self-Employed on IR35 rules’.
“There is a charge for sleeping behind your desk. The firm is not responsible for any of your gear that gets nicked at any time.”
“Your boss shall only be present when you are in the [zb], and never present at any other time. No correspondence shall be entered into.”
“Sick pay is at the discretion of management. If you’ve not died, or spent at least a week in hospital - don’t expect any.”
“If you should get another job elsewhere, you’ll be required to work your full notice period, during which time the job will probably end up going elsewhere as well.”
robroy:
Bloody hell
There’s a serious sense of humour famine on here today
Agreed.
Nevertheless, I think this is a great post:
eddie snax:
I think the trouble is that we are getting guys who have fell into trucking, or spent the cash because from the outside they thought trucking looked an easy number, then the reality of long hours and little home life dawns, but they’ve spent the cash so need to justify the cost by staying put.There’s broadly speaking 2 types of driver, you can break it down to sub sections but I’ll keep to 2. I’m talking all classes of licence holders. There’s those of us to whom the art of driving is a purpose in its own right. Then there is those to whom the act of driving, is just a means to an end, be that to put money in the bank, or the daily commute school run shopping, whatever. If you are of the former mind set, then personal pride makes every journey an event to be relished, to be executed to the best of your ability. If you are of the latter mind set then every journey is to be endured, a challenge to your nerves and lack of ability. I’m pleased to say that I’m in the former camp, every journey is an event to be relished.
Apart from a spell in a factory when I first left school, and then a couple of years on building sites, driving has been my career, and I don’t regret it for one minute. When other drivers tell me how good this job or that career was, I wonder, why did you leave if it was so good, or did you spend your time moaning about that job too