About as much use as a concrete trampoline
how can anyone be so ugly with only 1 head
‘How can anybody be so stupid with only one head’
‘As much use as ■■■■ on a chicken’
“You need stuffing with the ■■■■ end of a Rag mans trumpet”, or, said of a beautiful woman, " I’d give my right hand for a sniff of one of her ■■■■■".
“your momma’s so fat when she’s at the seaside she’s mistaken for a fishing trawler”
“she’s a charity job”
“ride the roll’s”
“its a daf/isuzu/iveco what do you expect”
“she’s got so much meat on her she’ll need carving soon”
My mate is so fat, he’s got his own postcode! 
Wherever you be,
let your wind blow free,
cos the want of a ■■■■
was the death of me! 
There was a young vampire called Mabel,
whose periods were regular and stable.
So every full moon,
with the help of a spoon,
she drank herself under the table!
From the depths of the crypt of St Giles,
came a scream that could be heard for miles!
Oh good gracious, its Father Ignacious,
He’s forgotten the bishop has piles!
ill sleep when im dead,or its paid for
" You need flogging with a Stocking full of hot Dog ■■■■■ ".
sorry, gonna have to use some of these…
As tight as a bulls arse in August l,describing a tight person who doesn’t spend any money!
There are two things in this world that I hate and you are both of them
You’re that ugly when you were born the midwife slapped your mother.
(To a bird)If your c#%€s as big as your mouth you’ll be going home on your own tonight luv.
I could have been your Dad, but the guy in front of me had the exact change.
Delivery to Farmer Giles:
Can i get down your lane mate.?
Giles,ooh aaar,we get artics down here all the time.
When you get stuck he says" Well not as big as that one,it was a Ford Transit towing a trailer."
" for gods sake ■■■■ and give us a clue "
" slap her bum and go in on the waves "
i am like a man with a wheelbarrow… i have it all in front of me "
" eat plenty of boiled bacon and green cabbage and it will make your ■■■■ so stiff that a greyhound would not be able to put a tooth in it " 
Accountants know the cost of everything, and the value of nothing…
If I could afford the timber I would board up your mouth.
She has a burst bale (backside hanging out)
It’s better to be ■■■■■■ off then ■■■■■■ on!