I accidentally filled my blow up doll with helium today. Now the ■■■■■ is playing hard to get! 
the maoster:
I accidentally filled my blow up doll with helium today. Now the ■■■■■ is playing hard to get!
I’m not cringing! 
if you do manage to catch her mind yer bum on the lightbulb
I like my women the same way I like my whiskey. 12 years old and in a barrel.
Im joking of course. I prefer them 18 years old and full of coke
Things you see on the back of motors…
Wife texts her handy husband on a cold winter morning:
“WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON’T OPEN”
Husband texts back:
“GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER THE EDGES AND THEN TAP EDGES SHARPLY WITH HAMMER”
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
“LAPTOP REALLY BUGGERED NOW.”
Ive got two kids. One is 6 months old, the other is 18 months old. We didnt want too much of a gap.
So my wife had a cesarean
the maoster:
I accidentally filled my blow up doll with helium today. Now the ■■■■■ is playing hard to get!
If she ■■■■■, don’t try to light it ! [emoji95]
Just watched “WW11 The Complete Story” on Discovery. Complete story my arse, not once did they mention my Grandfather who when serving in Egypt once shot a camel.
A dyslexic was with his carer and asked if he could have a McDonalds, his carer said “You can have a McDonalds if you can spell it”
so the dyslexic replied “F*ck it, i’ll have a KFC”
A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man who was
wearing a turban and eating fresh shrimp.
Every time he ate one he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to
deflect it.
Eventually she had enough and pulled the Emergency Cord.
The Muslim looked at the nun and said, “You’ll get fined £200 for doing
that, you stupid Catholic ■■■■■.”
She laughed and said, “When I cry ‘■■■■’ and they smell your fingers,
you’ll get 10 years, you ■■■■■■■■■■ Camel-shagger.”
Seems like ‘r a g h e a d’ is now a swear word, well well ■■■■ me senseless …
Terrorist goes into a pet-shop and shouts “you all have two minutes to get out before I blow myself up”. The tortoise in the shop says “you ■■■■■■■■
One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”
Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
“No,” Donald said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don’t think I could do that all day long.”
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. all he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
“No, this is no good; I’ve got his problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented Donald.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton , lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, “Yeah man, I can handle this.”
The devil smiled and said…
“OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”
the maoster:
I accidentally filled my blow up doll with helium today. Now the ■■■■■ is playing hard to get!
I went to the ■■■ shop and asked for an inflatable doll.
Certainly Sir", said the assistant. “Would you like a Christian one or a Muslim one?”
“What’s the difference?” I said.
“The Muslim one blows itself up”.
hhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…
they just have released a muslim version of a barbie doll that also talks…nobody knows what she says,as sofar,nobdys been brave enough to pull on the cord.
Guy goes up to woman he meets in a pub and says, ’ you remind me of my little toe ’ …Why? the woman asks…because i am small and cute?..Guy replies, no because am gonna end up banging you on my coffee table later 
Plane is quickly losing altitude and heading for disaster and all aboard are phoning loved ones, saying prayers etc…A blonde women stands up, rips off her blouse and screams …some man make me feel like a woman for one last time!!
Scotsman stands up…rips off his shirt and shouts…Get that f@@@ng Ironed!
What has 100 legs and 3 teeth? … A methadone que