I used to be in a rock band. We called ourselves The Broken Satnavs. Sadly we never got anywhere.
Ive been trying to get my wife to stimulate me with a keyring but she just keeps fobbing me off
I quit my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice
As I stood in the park I wondered to myself “Why does a frisbee seem to get bigger as it gets closer to you?”. And then it hit me…
My neighbour holds the world record for the most concussions. He lives close. Just a stones throw away in fact…
Ive applied for a job as a mirror checker. Its a job I can really see myself doing
Dwarf with a lisp goes to a sanctuary for rescued horses.
“I`d like to buy a horth” he says to the manager. “What ■■■?” he asks the dwarf.
“A female horth” says the dwarf.
The manager takes him through the mares stable, and one in particular catches the dwarfs attention.
“Exthepthionally nithe horth” says the dwarf. “Can i thee her eyeth, pleathe?”
The manager dutifully picks him up and shows him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth", says the dwarf. "Can i thee her teeth, pleathe?" so the manager hoists him up again to inspect the horses teeth.
“Nithe teeth…can i thee her eerth, pleathe?” Getting a bit brassed off now, the manager wearily picks up the dwarf again to let him inspect the horses ears. "Nithe eerth" he says. "Jutht to be thertain, can i thee her twot?" Now really ■■■■■■ off, the manager grabs him by the scruff of the neck and shoves the dwarf firmly under the horses tail for several seconds, before putting him back down.
The dwarf is a little stunned by this, and, shaking his head, says “Perhapth i should wephwathe that - can i thee her wun awound?”
A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter, “Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me potent.”
The bloke reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard boxmarked with the label “■■■■■■ Extra Strength” and says, “Here, if you take this, you’ll go NUTS for 12 hours!” The man says, “Gimmie 3 boxes.”
The next day the man walks into the same chemist right up to the same bloke and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man’s ■■■■■ is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, “Gimme a tube of Deep Heat.” The chemist replies,“DEEP HEAT■■?” You’re not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?" The man says, "No, it’s for my arms. The girls didn’t show up !! 
My mate from Liverpool has just got his kids some bikes for Christmas from the Internet. I asked him which website he saw them on, “Google Earth” he replied. 
A bloke walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his trousers.
The barman says… “You’ve got a steering wheel sticking out of your trousers”
" I know", he replies…“it’s driving me nuts !”
Door-to-door salesman : “Morning sir, can i interest you in switching your energy supplier?”
“No thanks, i`ll stick to food.”
Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, “I know that you guys are ‘forgiven’ because you’re here.
Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something.
You have to have a car in Heaven, because Heaven is so big. What kind of car you get will depend on your answer.”
The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, “How long were you married?”
He answered, “24 years.”
“Did you ever cheat on your wife?”, St. Peter asked.
The guy said, “Yeah, 7 times … but you said I was forgiven.”
St. Peter said, “Yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Mini Minor for you to drive.”
The second guy walked up and got the same question from St. Peter.
He answered, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out.”
St. Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that. Here’s a Ford Mondeo.”
The third guy walked up and said, “St. Peter, I know what you’re going to ask.
I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!”
St. Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar!”
A few days later, the two guys with the Ford Mondeo and the Mini Minor saw the bloke with the Jaguar, crying on the golden footpath.
When they asked him what was wrong, he said, “I just saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!”
I dont watch a lot of ■■■■. I find 3-4 minutes does me fine
Apparently 64% of women prefer ■■■ with the light off. That suits me. I prefer to keep the car door closed anyway
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
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My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my life.
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I see your face when I am dreaming. That’s why I wake up screaming.
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Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not…
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Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you 'cause I was ■■■■■■■
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I thought that I could love no other, That is until I met your brother.
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Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.
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I want to feel your sweet embrace; But don’t take that paper bag off your face.
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I love your smile, your face, and your eyes, ■■■■, I’m good at telling lies!
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My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?
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What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.
I was sitting at a long traffic light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of scruffy-bearded, young men shouting Anti-British slogans with a half-burned Union Flag duct-taped on the boot of their car and a “Remember 9-11” slogan spray painted on the side was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, “Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to Infidels” and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 44 ton artic came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself:
“Man… that coulda been me!”
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
I walked into a cafe the other day thinking about what to eat, when I saw this Rastafarian bloke sitting at a table with a can of red stripe between 2 slices of bread …
So I asked the girl behind the counter " what did he ask for " ? And she said
" a beer can sandwich "
A lorry driver was sitting in a cafe eating his breakfast when 3 hells angels walked in,
The 1st hells Angel flicked his ■■■ ash onto the drivers plate, the driver just calmly pushed it to the side of his plate and carried on eating, the 2nd hells Angel walked over and picked up the lorry drivers tea and took a big swig, the lorry driver just calmly shook his head, the 3rd hells Angel walked by and took the lorry drivers last sausage and ate it.
With this, the lorry driver got up disgusted and walked out…
The 1st hells Angel says to the girl behind the counter " don’t make very good men these lorry drivers do they " ?
She says " they don’t make very good drivers either, he’s just backed over 3 motorbikes " !
A 35 year old Pakistani man from Slough has been arrested for punching his wife in the face.
Chinda Goodunpropa denies the charge!
Valentines day.
Man buys his wife some flowers and a giant ■■■■■.
Wife: "Why did you buy me this for!? "
Man: “Well, if you don’t like the flowers you can go ■■■■ yourself!”
Guy goes into Asda, slaps his c@@k on the counter and says
Roll that back! 
Guy gets talking centipede. Wife comes home from work and he tells her. She says, centipedes dont talk ffs, you have been ripped off.
Guy says watch this, he says to centipede, want to go to the pub. No answer from centipede. Wife says i told you.
Guy waits 5 minutes and asks centipede again and still no answer. Wife says i told you. Take it back to the shop.
Guy waits another 20 minutes, says to wife if it doesnt talk this time am taking it back. So this time he rattles the cage and shouts at the centipede, Haw you, are you going to the f@@king pub?!!
Centipede replies, calm down mate, i heard you the first time! Am putting my f@@king shoes on!
Jeremy Corbyn goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of
Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells
the British Diplomats accompanying him, ‘You can have him shipped home for
£5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just £100.’
The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come
back to the undertaker and tell him they want Jeremy shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, ‘Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship
him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the
deficit, help the homeless or help the elderly’.
The British Diplomats replied, ‘Long ago a man died here, was buried here,
and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can’t take the risk.’
My wife says theres nothing wrong with a tiny ■■■■■ but call me old fashioned, id just rather she didnt have one at all
As I stand here ■■■■ in hand, it dawned on me this is not what the officer meant when he said “get a hold of yourself”…
I was asked “How do you watch your lesbian ■■■■?” Apparently “at night, through their bedroom window” is not an appropriate answer.
Nothing says “I don’t take you serious” like your dog wagging its tail when you’re yelling at them.
Halloween: The day pedophiles get home delivery
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.
She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart “associate” standing there with dark shades on.
She says, “Excuse me sir…can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He says, “Ma’am I’m blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”
She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line…It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00”.
She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it.”
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time.
At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her…being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, “That will be
$25.50.”
She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?”
He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.”