slowlane:
Brilliantly detailed update. 10/10 will read part 2.
Glad you’re having a good time out there! Keep it up!
Yeah that amused me, love a bit of satire… 
Well done OP, when you really want to tell us about it, do feel free. The first week is the hardest and from now on it’s only going to get better…
HOWEVER
Do not get complacent, and the habits you’re developing now of ALWAYS CHECKING will serve you well in the future…
You’ll learn that when you drop a bollock! 
Best of luck.