I’m laid in bed recalling the events of last nights 15 hour shift, it all started with a 6 mile cycle in the glorious sunshine with a nice cool breeze. On arriving at work I was informed that my trailer was coupled up and someone was fuelling the unit ready to go so I had time for a refreshing shower before setting off. I was given my paperwork, three visits to different RDC’s, this could be the end of what was looking like a good shift.
After my shower and fresh up I set off for my first drop, After a short while driving I was considering giving the highways agency a quick phone call as it seemed that no red lights were working, I also noticed that traffic was very very very light to the point of me wondering if I was driving in some kind of post apocalyptic Britain, these fears were soon banished from my mind when I noticed a shiny new BMW slowly passing me in the middle lane, as I looked down I noticed four very fit young ladies determined on making me the judge in their very own " whose implants are the best" competition !! After scoring them all a well deserved 10/10 they shot off with smiles as big as their breasts.
When pulling up to my first drop I suddenly realised that I had not seen one road closure, not even a lane closure, or the more I thought about it I had not even seen a single cone! I was met in the gatehouse by a polite and helpful security guard who told me to “go straight in Sir I’ll sort your paperwork” as I pulled up in readiness to reverse onto my allocated bay still considering I may be in some kind of alternate universe I noticed that the shunter was opening my rear doors with a welcoming smile on his face. Once in position he came to my cab telling me to chill out and he would give me a shout when my light was green. After a hour on the bed I was woken with a gentle tapping on the door, I looked down to see the same shunter with my paperwork and an ice cold drink, whilst taking a well deserved drink my new mate told me to pull forward and he’d close my doors and sort out the exit barrier for me.
I’d been on the road for about an hour with another hour and a halves drive left when my gaffer gave me a suprise call to inform me that he had rebooked my next collection giving me extra time of couple of hours to take a well deserved break. Upon pulling into the services I thought " I’ll have something to eat as I have some extra time". I sat down to a clean well kept table only to be brought an extensive menu by a very voluptuous waitress, I didn’t have to wait longer for my fresh starter of Moules Marinieres, and then a main course of an 18 ounce perfectly cooked Blu steak with proper chips in a peppercorn sauce. After my plates had be cleared I was promptly brought the bill, a full £1.80, ( this was a heavily discounted price as I was an HGV driver ). On returning to my cab I was just considering an hour on the bunk when every fridge unit started up and drove off and were well out of earshot before I had even closed my eyes.
I arrived at my next RDC after a very uneventful drive ( still not a single cone in sight) I was met pretty much the same reception as before, but this time I was instructed to go into the drivers waiting area as I wasn’t allowed to stay in my cab, I walked in to an extremely large, freshly carpeted room that can only be described as palatial, after only 45 minutes of being sat on a comfy oversized leather suit sat in front of a 60" plasma HDtv with full Sky package at my disposal I was given my paperwork and was quite surprised with the news that my cab had been given a full professional valet.
On to my last drop with a huge smile on my face and wondering if the style of the nights events could actually last until clock off, as I approached the gate house I could clearly see the panic and upset within, “this doesn’t look good” I thought to myself, I entered to be greeted by a flustered security guard who informed that there was a “bit of an issue with the warehouse, and I may be in for a bit of a wait” whilst apologising profusely he also advised me that I was welcome to use the newly installed gym and sauna. After forty minutes in the gym to work off my earlier two course meal I jumped in the sauna only to be disturbed shortly after by two ladies that were there to do a promotional photo shoot that had dragged on longer than expected and were in desperate need of some relaxation and asked if I minded them joining me as they didnt have a towel between them, being the perfect gentleman I ushered them in to join me for some “relaxation”
On the last leg of my shift, after winning a years supply of Stella Artois on a radio phone in competition I thought my shift was about to go pear shaped when I was waved into a VOSA check area, after checking the vehicle thoroughly over the nice man told me that if all trucks were kept in this condition he would be out of a job very soon, well time for him to check my tachos, after extensive scrutinising he asked if he could take copies to show other drivers how it should be done, I agreed only to be told that as everything was perfect I could count this meeting as seven hours towards my CPC.
On returning to the yard I noticed I was on fourteen and a half hours so thought "I may as well have a short nap to round it off to a fifteen, I set the timer and had a little snooze. I walked into the office after my power nap with a massive grin thinking about my last fifteen hours only to be greeted by my furious gaffer with rage in his eyes yelling “you’re ■■■■■■■ fired” shocked I asked what the problem was? To be told that he had had three irate customers asking were the ■■■■ I was? At this point I remembered putting my tacho in and closing my eyes for what should have been a quick power nap only for it to end up being a fifteen hour snooze, it’s not all bad tho as the dream came a close second to my regular Angelina Jolie special.
nice one
