Natural Laws
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Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become fully covered in thick grease, your nose will begin to itch and/or you’ll have to go take a pee.
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Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
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Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
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Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
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Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you’ll have a flat tyre.
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Variation Law - If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
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Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water the telephone rings.
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Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
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Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
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Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
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Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They’re the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. Aisle people are also very surly buggers.
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The Alpha Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
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The Beta Coffee Law - While leaving home having just dosed up on gallons of strong brew to help you fly through the night after being called out off reserve duty, the crewing officer calls back saying the flight has been cancelled and have a good night’s sleep.
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Murphy’s Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room they will have adjacent lockers.
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Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug, or the filthiness of the kitchen tiles.
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Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.
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Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
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Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking - If your audience is full of buxom nubiles, the chances of you accidently saying something ■■■■■■ (such as “■■■■■” iso “tubes”) increases exponentially the longer your speech goes on.
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Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really really like, they’ll stop making it.
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Doctors’ Law - If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor - by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment - you’ll stay sick.
2 My Marriage Law (updated) - No matter how fantastic a girl is, how absolutely great she is in bed, how loving a partner she may be and how she’ll still stand by you even when the whole world won’t, you can bet her taste in dancing music will ■■■■.
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Social Security Offices.
‘My good man,’ the fairy said,
‘I’ve been told by David Cameron to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Britian with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the British Tax Payers.’
The man told the fairy:
‘Well, in Iraq where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.’
The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and
– PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
‘What else?’ asked the fairy, ‘two more wishes to go’.
The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Iraq; I want to bring them all over here.
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.
‘One more wish left for you’, said the fairy, waving her wand.
The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be British with British clothes instead of the rags and shawl , and I want to have white skin like the British.’
PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn-out trainers, a dirty Man Utd T-shirt and a greasy baseball hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
‘What happened to my new teeth?’ he wailed. ‘Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?’
The fairy said
'Tough luck. Now that you are English,
You’re entitled to
Sweet f*** all like the rest of us”.
And she disappeared.
Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, “No!” and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it’s not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Han’s. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, “NO WAY, BUDDY!” and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she’s sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Han’s and says that she’s the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
Han’s leans forwards and whispers in her ear, “Can I pay in Euros?”