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Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of “There is Nothing Left to Lose” by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond
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What’s all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world’s oldest mum? My mum’s 77. Beat that.
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Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I’d just like to remind him that, as a ■■■■■■■ reader, I have seen his wife’s m!nge. He hasn’t seen my wife’s, so who’s had the last laugh? P Boddington, Ringway
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Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours
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What is it with diabetics? One minute they’re on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming “Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!” The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say “No thanks, I’m diabetic.” I wish they’d get their story straight.
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I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
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WHY DON’T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
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Why is it that pubs won’t serve me if I’m drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat [zb]? Its hardly fair.
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Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius
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The person who coined the phrase “as different as chalk and cheese” obviously hadn’t tasted Kwik Save’s cheddar.
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They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn’t. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
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If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn’t it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
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These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down
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I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
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Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the ■■■■■■■■■■■■ on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.
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So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
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I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is… who’s sending the other one?
cheers fella, im now peeing miself laffin at them!!! 
must start buying viz again had forgotten how funny it was