A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don’t talk.
“If you talk,” she tells him, “you have to do the pots.” The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend’s ■■■■, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend’s mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there’s not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend’s dad leaps up and shouts, “Okay! Okay! I’ll do the ■■■■■■■ pots!”
A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy’s lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, “I hope you don’t mind but I really do need to pee.”
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, “OK. Why don’t you go behind this hedge.”
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, “My God Mary … have you changed your ■■■?”
“No,” she replies. “I’ve changed my mind, I’m having a ■■■■■■ instead.”
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
bring up the subject of ■■■.
“Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen. “Pretty much the way
you do,” responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
“I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen.
“Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?”
“Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”
“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it’s quite impressively long.
“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty
narrow…” “No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?”
“I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?”
“It was horrible,” he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."
An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to
last very long before he would ■■■■■■ during ■■■. A caring man, he was
concerned that he was disappointing his new lover,so he called his doctor
for advice.
The doc told him that ■■■■■■■■■■■■ before ■■■ often helped men last
longer
during the act. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t
do
it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck
over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to ■■■■■■■■■■.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew
closer to ■■■■■■, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not
wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the ■■■■■■, he kept his eyes shut
and replied, “What?”
He heard, “This is the police. What the hell are you doing?”
The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck
rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.
LMFAO at these keep em coming lol
A man visits the doctor’s with a broken leg.
“So, tell me… How did you break your leg?”
"Well, 25 years ago…
“Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”
"Like I was saying…25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said no, everything is fine. “Are you sure?”, she asked. "I’m sure, I said.
“Isn’t there anything I can do for you?” she wanted to know. “I reckon not” I replied …
“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What does this story have to do with your leg?”
“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!”
Too rude!