Ultimate joke post

ARE WE ALLOwED TO HAVE ONE?
not youtube links…just jokes…if I start to dump most of mine on,then il be getting them removed before the inevitable ban…there have to be some new ones out there somewhere? :confused:

looks like 3 days of no jokes that fit the trucknet criteria then,ho hum.pc or what?

Here’s a couple for starters…

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.
3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it !!..
I thought to myself, "they’ve lost the plot ".

I was explaining to my wife that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You’re obviously not listening ".

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably,and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself ,“That guys heading for a breakdown”.

Not really a joke…

…but it made me laugh. :laughing:

Paddy asks Murphy to spell Orange
Murphy thinks about it for a mo and says…
Is that the colour or the fruit■■?

My mate phoned me and said billy in work as been killed
a lorry run over his finger! i said, that will not kill you running over a finger?
i know he said but it was up his nose at the time… :slight_smile:

Statistically,6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not happy.

An Asian HGV driver has moved in next door.
He has travelled the world,wrestled bears,swam with sharks,climbed the highest mountains.
It came as no surprise to learn that his name was Bindair Dundat.

Sat facing an asian lady on the train the other day, when her eyes suddenly closed and she appeared to stop breathing. I thought she was dead until i saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

A good clean one from that 90s sentimental Disney film “Memphis Belle”. A joke in it from the waist gunner still makes me chuckle though…

World War II, a plane gets shot down over Germany, the guy bails out and the Gestapo gets him. His leg’s broken so they have to amputate.

The Pilot says “do me a favour, after you cut it off, would you give it to one of your pals and have them drop it off over my base in England”? And so they do it.

The next week, they cut off his other leg. Again, he says “would you please have someone drop it over my base in England”? And they do it.

The week after, they’ve gotta cut off his arm. He asks one more time “would you please have one of your buddies drop my arm off over my base in England”?

This time the Gestapo say “Nein! zis ve can’t do, anymore!!!”

And he says “why not”?!

And they reply “…ve zink you trying to escape!!!”

Two women are playing golf on a Saturday morning…

The first of the twosome tees off anf watches in horror as her ball hurtles directly towards a group of blokes playing the next hole - hitting one of the men full-on… who immediately crumples to the ground, both hands clenched firmly between his legs.

The women rush over…

“I’m really, really sorry,” says the woman who teed off. “please allow me to help you - I am a physio therapist and I can ease the pain if you’d allow me.”

“Oooh - ahhh - oooooh!” screams the man, writhing around on the floor with his hands still firmly entrenched between his legs. “I’ll be all right in a couple of minutes love…”

Persistant the woman pins him down and unbuckles his belt. Then she loosens his trousers, slips her hand inside and massages his groin.

“How does that feel?” the woman asks.

“It feels absolutely great,” says the man, smiling, “but my thumb still hurts like buggery!”

My wife wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live for her birthday.
So i shagged her sister, we’re on in two weeks.

Paddy pulls up at the traffic lights next to a stunning bird.
Paddy smiles at her and winds his window down.
She smiles back and winds her window down.
Paddy says have you ■■■■■■ aswell?

So I walks into my local Asian bookstore and asked the proprietor if he had a copy of the latest National Front book, “get out and stay out” he said. “That’s the one” I said.

the maoster:
So I walks into my local Asian bookstore and asked the proprietor if he had a copy of the latest National Front book, “get out and stay out” he said. “That’s the one” I said.

ace… :laughing:

my misses just got fired from working in our local off licence…a similar guy came in asking her if she could recommend a good port…dover,and pee off was the subsequent reply, :wink:

Can I order a lorry to deliver some cargo for me?

  • Freight?

  • Well I was hoping for half seven but that’ll do

Accident on the M6.
Lorry has lost its load of Vic.
There’s bin no congestion for 8 hours.