-
I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
-
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
-
You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably drunk
-
Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
-
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you’ve just met? That’s common sense leaving your body.
-
I don’t like making plans for the day. Because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
-
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
-
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
-
Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what 's your plan?
-
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.