We’ve seen it all before and if someone were to say, “I was driving along the M6 and a car stopped in the middle lane and a Zulu warrior emerged …” most of us would probably say, “go on, what happened then?” The world is full of numpty’s and unfortunately a majority of them own a UK car driving licence. Here are two of my favourites that I remember.
Nightmare on Elm Street: Grandpa meets the Patron Saint of Numpty’s
The truck cast long creeping shadows as it sped onwards through the gloom … Well no, actually it was late at night, quiet, good visibility and I’d exited the M1, up the slip road and onto the roundabout in the left hand lane, indicating left for the first exit. Keeping pace with me in the outside lane and just under my window was a car also with its left hand indicator on. I remember thinking, ‘you’re in the wrong lane’ as he intentionally drove into me and side swiped the cab. To this day I wonder which doctor (or witch doctor) passed his eyesight test. Just bent the driver step of my vehicle and minor paint damage, but his looked like Freddy Krueger’s claws had scraped his offside with a vengeance. We both stopped and I approached the car and gently tapped on the window. The window came down and a head swiveled towards me. I swear it was the face of death! This guy must have been in his late 80s, watery eyes, skull like face … It frightened the bloody life out of me. I remember saying to him, “you were going to turn left weren’t you” and he just nodded and I said, “please, don’t say you didn’t see me.” We exchanged details and he didn’t speak a word throughout.
As it was a motorway exit roundabout it was all on camera and I don’t think he took it any further. Had he stolen the car and escaped from an Age Concern day center, lost his bus pass, or perhaps that night I met the patron saint of numpty’s and it was a warning that if you can’t see an artic from two feet away, you shouldn’t really be driving.
Grandpa’s Guide to Beyond Customer Service: Going the extra mile
I remember it was north of Leicester. I had a delivery to a small yard and partly blocking the entrance was an old car. I asked one of the guys in the yard to find out who owned it and a woman came out. She introduced herself as a manager and when I asked if she’d move it for me she replied, “Oh go ahead and hit it, I’ll claim on it as a write off!” I hang my head in shame as I failed that particular customer service request. The moral of this story is that if you’re going to hit something, ask first and you might be pleasantly surprised.
From the newly arrive Polish agency driver who couldn’t speak or read English and was sent on a drop, to the driver who did a run in a low split gear so that when he fuelled up he’d get more free gifts on his points card, the world is full of weird and wonderful characters. 
What’s your favourite numpty memory meeting?