A changing world
Far fetched are the days of wear you would phone the employer up, or cold call, and you would turn up for an informal no bull ■■■■ interview, and he would say, right sun dice that union or back that lorry into the loading bay or there’s the cement there’s a trowel lay those bricks there on to that wall. And if you could do it you would end up with a job and if you couldn’t do it he would give you a clip round the ear and send you home.
But we all know the days of a days trail and a free demo is long gone.
It’s all red tape white papers nower days, and when I mean white paper
I mean the CV.
We all got one…… No we haven’t that what you would like to hear. My mate Billy the Glaswegian market trader (scum of the earth) says if all they want to hear is bull ■■■■■ that givem bull ■■■■■■ it seams to be working for the media every day.
Billy hasn’t got a CV because he is the scum of the earth, If a old school lorry driver phoned up about a job vacancies, and the office personnel said ‘ow send in your CV’ the chances are that the driver would turn round and say stuff you pal I am not being fufed around like this I am going ells wear…
Are the Romans and Victorians would be turning in there graves right now, to see of how we have all become in the new millennium
Prepering your Covering letter
You covering letter is your first impressions, it is the first thing they will read, so it is important to make it stand out and to cut the bull sitt and get to the point.
Your covering letter should look something like this.
Your details at the top of the page
Names
Address
E mail address
Tel. number
Date
Dear ■■■ hole
I have recently passed my whopper do qualifications in watch-ama-trigaty bio-me-bolex and green toilet paper with Oxford and Cambridge.
I am now fully skilled, experienced, qualified, and I now wish to pursue a whoope do career within your company
Ideally I would like to gain employment within my qualified profession as an organ grinder.
How ever I am willing to start at the bottom and work my way up within your organization, there for I am looking for job as a clapper and a dancer.
You’re faithfully
Know it all
How to prepare the perfect CV
What to and what not to put on it
But as my mate Billy says, if all they want to hear is bull ■■■■■ then givem bull ■■■■■ (pointless trying to educate these people because they know best, remember they are high grade uni students, and we/I am not)
They like to hear the big words like professional and tecnition and career.
In the olden days a tecnison used to be an electrician that worked with things like computer and satellite TV, so remember if you wear a window cleaner don’t just put window cleaner in your previous work history, put Glass/visual tecnison
Needless to say with you professionals a CV should contain
personal details (not necessary contact details, as you can include this in your covering letter)
Employment history
school and education
Certificates and qualifications
And if you rally want to blow your own trumpet then include a key shills section,
Certificates and qualifications
Less start with Certificates and qualifications, they are the base line of entry into the industry. As you lot are probably quite a wear the more the merrier.
Those high graduate students with whoopee do qualifications in inappropriate stuff will shine like ■■■■
Its now err days that the office staff employ the ones with the biggest list of qualifications,
In your Certificates and qualifications section… But having said that quality is better then quantity, and the mental (sit down and bull ■■■■■■ uni qualifications are superior and better then the physical, like the CPC and ADR
Schooll and education
Now Scholl and education, as this is your base line/selection to Certificates and qualifications.
How you climbed the ladder of success to the big time.
How you got there in the fist place, nower day’s social exclusion has been eliminated (so we are brain washed to hear) in the medium education. And how you got there really matters on how you passed your GCSE and A leaves, you must include these in your CV, other wise your CV will be sent back to you covered in so-liver and foot marks.
References
Well references, It gives a true pitcher of your true working back ground, but lets remember the sources that you provide, to the people that want to hear it (Billy the scum of the earth), is it a professional person with a fancy title, or wear you self employed working on domestic property. Was he she a production operative a farmer a friend of a fried of the village idiot mere, remember when they phone them up they expect good morning, competent compact component construction unlimited. Not hallow facker town 21344.
Key skills section
I am not going to go in to much detail about key skills, as you are all professional and know how to shout the odds,
And tell ever one how good you are, and how well you are all doing.
Personal details
Your personal details make up a lot on your CV, you should include date of birth, hobbies and interest and marital status, and if you are a real ficko your social security and passport number.
And also your hobbies and interests are of importance to an employer.
They want to see what kind of person / personality you are, it’s a personality contest knower days, ow he enjoys this he enjoys that, ow I don’t like that as a hobbies because you know it not one of us thing
In my opinion its non of there ■■■■■■■ business what my hobbies and interests are, they iver want a worker or a clapper and dance playing the muppit
But never the less my points of view are meaningless, on the whole they want some one with similar hobbies and interests to them self’s, ‘one of us type of thing you know.
But we don’t all have a crystal ball, we don’t know the person reading our CV on the other end of the line from Adam (most of the time)
So we have to use common sense, what would a modern day office staff person do in his/her spear time, apart from condemn the like of me.
What would there hobbies and interests be, or more to the point what would they condemn,
Low life unskilled hobbles such as
drinking Ethanol in a dark room
Playing computer Games
Pub, drugs, clubs, bars and fast cars.
Watching football
Swinging and Going to brofels
Hear is what I probably think they would like to hear
Reading
Righting books
Painting, water colours
Playing the larde dar in the sun (Spain)
English night classes
Previous work history
And last but certainly not least, your previous work history, this is most important of all as it shows you your back ground and what you have done.
Things they would like to hear would be similar thing to what they have done like
Government worker
Office staff est.
And a Final word
Remember when doing your CV if all they want to hear is bull ■■■■ then give them bull ■■■■, every one ells seams to be blowing there own trumpet nower days, and you don’t want to be left behind with the times.
Its part of the school Curriculum nowadays 
