In reverse order …
-
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house
down, killing both him and his sister. -
A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of
suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6’ 2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman’s wig. It appeared that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl’s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask
that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its
place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube
approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube’s other end was inserted into
his ■■■■■■ for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.
Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his
family very awkward. -
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants
of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They
were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles. -
A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried
to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle.
Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other
end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone
because his car was found nearby. “The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than
the distance between the trestle and the ground” Carmichael said. Police say
the apparent cause of death was “Major trauma.” -
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized. -
Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of
a gas leak. Sensibly Management evacuated the building, extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had
been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon
entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the
dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight
of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object
that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three
miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was
virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing
the blast had never been thought of as bright’ by his peers.
AND THE WINNER IS… -
Based on a bet by the other members of his ■■■■■■■■■, Everett Sanchez
tried to wash his own “balls” in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed
to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to
his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the
machine with Sanchez’s scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the
mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed
and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the
ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles
are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez’s
scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from
him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was
compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer
and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to
injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from
the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the
hospital for surgery, and the remaining ■■■■■■■■■ was asked to leave the
course.
This last one wouldn’t normally count, because the idiot didn’t die. But
because he can not reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity,
we have allowed it.
