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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
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Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
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A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
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“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”“Is it common?”“Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
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Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.“It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
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An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
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I went to a seafood disco last week … and pulled a mussel.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.“But why,” they asked, as they moved off.“Because,” he said. “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan’Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.This made him … a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
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And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young ‘pullets’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Fred’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
 To Fred’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.Â
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention. Vote carefully in the next election, the bells are not always audible.
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. On the first tee, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the Course.The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.Â
A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, ‘Are you the people that broke my window?’‘Uh…yeah! , sir. We’re sure sorry about that,’ the husband replied.'Oh, no apology is necessary.
Actually I want to thank you… You see, I’m a Genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.‘Wow, that’s great!’ the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,'I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.‘ ‘No problem,’ said the genie ‘You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do… And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!’’
And now you, young lady, what do you want?’ the genie asked.  ‘I’d like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world  complete with servants,’ she said.‘Consider it done,’ the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!
"And now,’ the couple asked in unison, what’s your wish, Genie?''Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have ■■■ with your wife.' The husband looked at his wife and said, ‘Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?’
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you’re right.  Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, Honey?‘You know I love you sweetheart,’ said the husband.  I’d do the same for you!'So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.  The Genie was insatiable.After about three hours of non-stop ■■■, the genie rolled over and looked directly in to her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?
'‘Why, we’re both 35,’ she responded breathlessly.  ‘No Kidding,’ he said.  'Thirty-five years old and you  both still believe in genies?' Â