Roads are not velodromes report confirms

[james_the_cat]

EDIT: Had a nice PM praising me on writing this. Bit bemused, stared at this again and bugger me sideways it can be taken that way. Not from the pen of my haggered lorryiest fingers, this report is from the live pulse that is the Daily mash. I copied to make nice sharing rather than posting some dull old link. Not from me folks, but enjoy JTC

Hot off the press:-

BRITAIN’S roads are not a specialist cycle racing facility, it has been confirmed.

Improved weather has prompted large groups of emotionless people with huge waxed legs to stage weekend cycle competitions on the country’s highways.

However officials have confirmed that roads are really designed for travel rather than amateur sporting events involving large clusters of wobbly people.

A government spokesman said: “Since Roman times, roads have been principally for the transportation of people and goods from point A to point B, rather than for buggering about on.

“Cycling is fine if you’re going on a legitimate journey, but if you’re just pointlessly ‘testing yourself’ against a group of similarly bored accountants it would be really good to keep that to a designated facility.

“You know those oval-shaped tracks you see on the Olympics, the ones that are designed for, and used exclusively for, bike racing?

“Well, you can book one for an hourly rate, it’s quite affordable if everyone in a group chips in.”

Car driver Emma Bradford said: “Horse riders can be a bit frustrating but at least the horse fraternity knows better than to do the Grand National on the A46.

“I find cycle race people rather hard to like, except the fat one who’s miles behind all the others, I feel sorry for him and admire his tenacity.”

[darren5408]

[emoji38][emoji23][emoji23]

[james_the_cat]

Further on in the report:-

Men are increasingly limiting their mid-life madness to buying bikes they do not really want, it has also emerged.

The Institute for Studies found that 43 percent of professional men aged 35-50 have spent more than £500 on a bike without really knowing why.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Historically, men of a certain age have spent their disposable incomes on small fibreglass sports cars that the man in the shop described as a ‘fanny magnet’.

“This would be combined with pointy shoes, brown leather clothing and a hip flask – the objective being an overall sense of virility that would impress ‘dolly birds’.

“So it’s interesting that today’s middle-aged man is choosing instead to spend the disposable income generated by the job he hates on a Tungusku 9000 super-lightweight racing bike made from some sort of space carbon and weighing less than a grape.

“And then riding around on top of it. Wearing spandex. And a plastic hat. Like a total bell-end.

“Clearly these are not the actions of a ■■■■■■ predator.”

Roy Hobbs, 41, said: “I dressed myself in the gear and looked at myself in the mirror and thought, ‘What have I become?’ I looked like a chunky wasp.

“Maybe I’ll take the bike into the garden tomorrow and smash it with a mallet while weeping.”

[the_maoster]

Love it! . I also love imagining the angst of certain posters who frequent these forums who are reading that with their fingers poised over the reply button 'cos what they really wanna say in reply would reveal them to be the humourless drones that the rest of us know them to be!

[drift]

Brilliant

[tango_boy]

Like it

[chainsaw]

Thanks mate that cheered me up

[juddian]

The Mrs is nearly crying, bell end got her the best with fanny magnet coming up the outside for a photo finish.

[alliance]

Juddian:
The Mrs is nearly crying, bell end got her the best with fanny magnet coming up the outside for a photo finish.

Fantastic James,cheers.

[peterm]

Another load of

[the-snowman]

the maoster:
I also love imagining the angst of certain posters who frequent these forums who are reading that with their fingers poised over the reply button 'cos what they really wanna say in reply would reveal them to be the humourless drones that the rest of us know them to be!

Now whom ever could you possibly mean■■?

[war1974]

cracking report might even re read it so I can laugh again.

just glad my muddy fox only cost £99 and has been out the shed twice in a year!

[wetback]

A few weeks back - A14, Sat mid morning i encountered an “organised” club cycling run. Not in a bunch which could be overtaken safely in one movement, but one cyclist every quarter of a mile or so. The thought quickly struck me how mindless and irresponsible it was of the “organisers” to stagger their starts, so that an overtake was needed every half minute or so, on a busy trunk road. Selfish, dangerous and totally unnecessary IMO. My only other option would have been to stick to lane two for miles on end, which would doubtless be much appreciated by the other, faster vehicles.

[the_maoster]

Obviously as seasoned pro’s we leave sufficient gap to the vehicle in front , but what happens when a non Trucknet driver tailgates the truck in front who suddenly jinks out to pass a cyclist?

Yeah we all know that people shouldn’t drive too close, and we all know that cyclists have every right to be on a busy trunk road, but for the love of God what does it take before someone realises that staging a cycle race on a fast flowing trunk road is probably not the smartest idea they’ve had?

The county, indeed the country is awash with minor country roads where surely the whole cycling experience would be better enjoyed. Or am I missing something?

Before the pro cyclists have a pop I’d like to point out that I am not anti cycling and indeed treat every cyclist with the same respect as I treat every other road user (with the exception of Audi drivers obviously), but surely your sense of self preservation must kick in at some point and tell you that this is a bad idea? Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should you know.

[susanh]

ahah - The Daily Smash - LOL

in other news
Lorry Driver Celebrates First Anniversary Of Overtaking Manoeuvre
described by the UN as a “crime against humanity”
thedailymash.co.uk/?p=435&print=1

[james_the_cat]

SusanH:
ahah - The Daily Smash - LOL

in other news
Lorry Driver Celebrates First Anniversary Of Overtaking Manoeuvre
described by the UN as a “crime against humanity”
thedailymash.co.uk/?p=435&print=1

Classic! They write what everyone is thinking . Should see the report on Road rage.

[semtex65]

I’m guessing someones driven down the A11 on a weekend then? Keep seeing loads of ‘organ donors’ going down there. What I don’t get is how they think its a remotely sensible idea?!? Cycling may be good for your health, but doing it in close proximity to people driving 80+ ain’t!