Personal Ads, split from De Poel Thread

How may of you got a phonecall today (Thursday) wanting you to work over easter :question: even though you havn’t heard from the agency/s for the last 2 months :exclamation: I had 2, one of which would even tell me where the job was, what it entailed, what the start time until after I had accepted the assignment :exclamation: they really are lower than [zb] itself, and that’s not fresh [zb] that’s the trodden in the grass a smeared all over you shoe smelly variety that we hate :exclamation:

Anyway on a lighter note I’ve been replying to some personal adds lately in the local paper, and I’ve come to the conclusion that newspapers don’t care what they print as long as they make a sale from the add, so here’s a dictionary for womens personal adds in case any body here is thinking of trying the same thing…

Adventurous…Slept with all your mates
Athletic…No [zb]
Average looking…Has a face like an ■■■
Beautiful…Pathological liar or EGO problems
Contagious Smile…Does a lot of pills
Educated…Was [zb] to bits at Uni
Emotionally Secure…On medication
Feminist…Bad hair and no dress sense
New-Age…Body hair problems
Free spirit…Junkie
Good Listener…Autistic
Old-fashioned…No [zb]s or [zb]
Outgoing…Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate…Sloppy drunk
Professional…Ambitious ■■■■■
Voluptuous…Very Fat
Large lady…Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate…Stalker

You may also be interested in some “Relationship English”


  1. Yes = No
  2. No = Maybe
  3. Maybe = No
  4. We need… = I want…
  5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
  6. We need to talk = I need to complain
  7. Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to
  8. Do what you want = But you’ll pay for it later
  9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
  10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead
  11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
  12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I’ve got genital warts
  13. You’re so manly = You suffer from body odor and need a shave
  14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
  15. It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
  16. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is ■■■ all you ever think about?
  17. I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good film on TV
  18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like.


  1. Yes = Yes
  2. No = No
  3. Maybe = Maybe
  4. I am hungry = I am hungry
  5. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
  6. I am tired = I am tired
  7. Nice dress = Nice [zb]
  8. I love you = Let’s have ■■■
  9. I’m bored = Let’s have ■■■
  10. What’s wrong? = I guess ■■■ is out of the question
  11. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have ■■■ with you
  12. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have ■■■ with you
  13. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have ■■■ with you
  14. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have ■■■ with you
  15. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have ■■■ with you
  16. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have ■■■ with you within the next 3 minutes.
  17. Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person, because I’d like to have ■■■ with you.

Have taken the dodgy language out of this and split it off into the Bar, since the majority of the post isn’t really relevant to the De Poel thread OR the PDF

Sure I’ve seen that somewhere :wink: , but no less amusing for that :laughing: :laughing: , and horribly familiar :unamused: .

Very Good Mike Bartlett :smiley: