Forklift driver at a site I was loading at, points to the stillages of summer house bits:
“Is that glass on there?”
“No, it’s see through wood”.
An old coach driver near where I lived was on his way to Bridlington with a party, when he felt a serious bump, he stopped the bus and walked round the back to find a badly bent sports car wedged in the back,
calmy lighting a cig, he said, “now my lad”, “how do you normally stop when I aren’t here?”
bigvern1:
If someone calls me fat…“Yeah? Well I can still fit in your gob!”
cieranc:
Forklift driver at a site I was loading at, points to the stillages of summer house bits:“Is that glass on there?”
“No, it’s see through wood”.
Fergi:
To sad little security men (like the waste of space at Coca Cola East Kilbride): They only employ you here 'cause your cheaper than a padlock.
Thats brilliant
Bumped into an ex-girlfriend as me and a mate walked into a local pub, “you’re hairs starting to recede a bit” she said
" we’ll some things recede and some expand, as in my hair and your arse"… Shut her up anyway
Big Truck:
“How come your so ugly with only the one head”
Bit of a variation on this one.‘How can anyone with only one head be so stupid’.Some crackers on here,folks 
Heard a cracker on the TV the other night about a really ugly bird…delivered in a deadpan Manchester accent…
" If my dog was as ugly as you,I’d shave it’s arse,and teach it to walk backwards"
To anyone spouting bull at me who has a beard, I always reply with
“Just cos you got hair round your mouth, you dont have to speak like a ■■■■■
Keep 'em coming please!
Feeling better too after reading them so far.
Even had to go back to the same site today, a different manager was in charge and I knew him for the work we did for them last year and let’s just say, I ran out of rules to break according to their company policy’s, and boy did it make the day easier! 
Years ago , there was a braggart in our village who thought himself to be God`s gift to all women.
Quite a few of us felt sorry for the way he treated his lovely young wife .
When she gave birth , he was bragging in the local Pub about how beautiful the baby was.
One lad went up to him , and asked : " Were you present when your wife gave birth , because a mate of yours
says HE was present at the conception " !!!
Exit one very quiet new dad as everyone else laughed !
Cheers , cattle wagon man.
when i get to delivery points and they moan if it is late, my usual reply is
“this container has come half way around the world, and you are complaining because it is half an hour late? i think it has done rather well if you ask me!”
when they think of it that way, it usually shuts them up for long enough to tell me what bay to put it on
I very occassionaly get forced into conversations with the kind of drivers that have done everything, been everywhere and shagged every living cell on this earth.
After entertaining them for at least 5 minutes, i like to point out that they “could talk a chuffin glass eye to sleep”! 
That seems to shut them up, walk off and chat ■■■■ to someone else who will listen lol
I had an old scania 112, which dropped a valve in madrid, i limped into freds, rang me mate, who flew over with a cylinder head, and together we fitted it outside the restaurant, i had a p cab 112, parked alongside were 144 scanias and fh12 and daf superspace cabs, my mate who come over, is an old mate from years ago, who used to run a c series erf 290 doing turkey.A couple of ■■■■■■ drivers come over to have a laugh at my expense, and one of them said, and i quote, i wouldnt come over here in a ■■■■■■■■■■■■■ like that, to which my mate calmy replied, son , theres drivers, and then theres screwdrivers, i got a pair of socks that have done more miles than you will ever do, now shut up and ■■■■ off before you annoy me…, and they did, straight away.
The boss said to the driver you are a clown !
Driver replies every circus has a clown.True story.
roughyed:
About 4 years ago I was double manning on a day trunk , all I heard of this other guy was how much ■■■ he got every night. One day he was telling me he was at it for four hours non stop , so I said to him , you must be doing it wrong , it only takes me 5 minutes . He never bragged about it again .[/quote
Over heard this in our office, from an older colleague of mine to a complete [zb] PITA female support team member.
Where she had just once again proved how valuable she is to our company.
Older colleague : Your a female, so you can multi task?
female : Yes
Older colleague : well sit down and shut the [zb] up!
Many, many years ago I took a very nice girl to a party and some stranger shot across the room to chat her up. Hello gorgeous he said, my name is Richard but my friends call me ■■■■, do you like it. Jenny looked a bit embarrassed so I replied well it suits you.
One i have used on a lad at work,
“A million sperm and you were the quickest?”
and my mate to one of our apprentices
“I was in Bagdad whilst you were still in your dad’s bag!”
Back in the days when all young people had to go on a YTS scheme I was in our Mcr; warehouse waiting for my load to be repacked and all these young fellas on the YTS were whinging on about if it wasn’t for all the [zb] in the country they would have proper jobs! When they asked my opinion I took great delight in telling them how difficult it was for me to comment seeing as I was married to a West Indian lass and both my daughters were obviously mixed race!!
Regards
Dave Penn;