I was telling my lady about my recent trip in which I had missed the ferry so came back on the channel tunnel.
Oh, can you see the fish? Bless her! 
bald bloke:
Tipper Tom:
I’m sat in the bar looking out at the moon. It’s a beautiful full moon. Is your moon full too? ■■Sounds like she’s been sat there all afternoon.
LMAO at this reply, great one.
franklin:
My now ex good lady once caught me smoking and chewing gum at the same time, to which she told me this was illegal. I gave her a panic look as if I was facing a life sentence for such a terrible deed…Turns out she meant doing this was bad for you!
Mine caught me ■■■■■■■■■■■■ once into a Catalogue …so embarrassing, it was the DIY section.
Whilst in Benidorm the other week our lass asked me if madge scooters ( mobility scooters) ran on petrol or diesel 
Thetaff2:
A few years ago when it said press the red button to watch a certain programme on the telly she went up and actually pressed the red button on the corner of the screen.
All good, but that’s the best, I hope you gave her a hug!
I once pulled up at a petrol station next to the pump, wife says “what have we come here for?”
When that secret service fella died locked in a suitcase my missus told me he worked for MFI
SteveBarnsleytrucker:
We was going to Chester Zoo earlier this year and our lass said to me, “They’ve even got dinosaurs there!” I looked at her gone out and she showed me the leaflet with a section of the zoo put aside for a display of model dinosaurs
Ode To An Extinct Dinosaur
by Doug MacLeod
Iguanodon, I loved you,
With all your spiky scales,
Your massive jaws,
Impressive claws
And teeth like horseshoe nails.
Iguanodon, I loved you.
It moved me close to tears
When first I read
That you’ve been dead
For ninety million years.
My other half comes out with some corkers. Here’s a conversation we had a while ago.
Ms RT: I was at Glastonbury years ago and someone told me I had lovely teeth.
RT: That’s an odd thing to say. What did you say?
Ms RT: I said “thanks”. Then he asked me if he could stroke them.
RT: Really? That is weird. You’ve never told me this story before.
Ms RT: Well, you never asked.
Why would I ask that? Have any of you ever asked your missuses if anyone’s ever asked to stroke their teeth?
my ex was watching neighbours when she exclaimed "they must have Christmas in june over there, its sunny " or another of hers when a completion prize was listed as a free ferry to france for up to five foot passengers that’s no good I`m 5 foot 2 ! 
many moons ago my now ex-wife used to go everywhere with me and 1 sunny day in dusseldorf I was screwing round in a tight spot when she screamed at me to ‘stop’.
I asked her why and she said that ‘there is a trailer to her left and if im not careful im going to hit it’.
I replied with ‘its my trailer you silly cow’ and she came back with ‘are you sure’.
Just remembered another one…
Many moons ago myself and a mate were parked up for the night and I was sat in his truck having a brew when his missus rang him on the cab phone which he answered hands free. After greeting her she told him that the fish in the tank (at home) were fighting, he asked her precisely what she expecting him to do from 300 miles away to which she said “well make them stop” “ok” he says “put the phone next to the tank” she did this and he shouted down the phone “PACK IT IN”, after a few seconds silence she comes back with “didn’t work, they’re still fighting” he hung up without another word!
the maoster:
Just remembered another one…Many moons ago myself and a mate were parked up for the night and I was sat in his truck having a brew when his missus rang him on the cab phone which he answered hands free. After greeting her she told him that the fish in the tank (at home) were fighting, he asked her precisely what she expecting him to do from 300 miles away to which she said “well make them stop” “ok” he says “put the phone next to the tank” she did this and he shouted down the phone “PACK IT IN”, after a few seconds silence she comes back with “didn’t work, they’re still fighting” he hung up without another word!
class. I’ve worked out that women are only good for doing things that end in “ING” as in cooking,washing and ironing!
SteveBarnsleytrucker:
bless her, I think I broke her heart when I explained they had been extinct god knows how many billion years!
Somewhat less than 0.1 billion, in fact 
Roymondo:
SteveBarnsleytrucker:
bless her, I think I broke her heart when I explained they had been extinct god knows how many billion years!Somewhat less than 0.1 billion, in fact
Don’t you’ll break mine now! 
Shall we just settle on “a bloody long time ago”?
Roymondo:
Shall we just settle on “a bloody long time ago”?
It was more than a week ago certainly
Roymondo:
Shall we just settle on “a bloody long time ago”?
That’s fine by me
Driving down the A1 near Catterick a few years back, it was foggy and the warning lights came on, the now ex says “what does FO9 mean?”
“FOG” says me, it was known as FO9 for years later
Was watching Ross Kemp in Afghanistan with my now ex-missus. The RPGs were flying, accompanied by the crackle of automatic gunfire with squaddies shouting and bawling, when she spouted - "chuffin hell, its no wonder half of em get that post dramatic distress order! Hmmm.