Convince friends that you have a high powered job in the City by leaving for work at 6 am every morning, arriving home at 10 at night, never keeping social appointments and dropping down dead at the age of 36
Save money on ■■■-lines by phoning up the Samaritans and threatening to kill yourself unless they talk dirty
kindle530:
0
I had to look at this more than once to see why it was funny…
Keep 'em coming
bigvern1:
I did actually laugh out loud. I love it.
Convince neighbours you have fancy florescent lighting in your kitchen by switching your normal light on and off several times before leaving it on.
Legend_Scania:
bigvern1:
Enjoy…mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/vi … est-427354CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.
Not one for the young 'uns.
MCDONALD’S. Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they’ve been thrown out of car windows.
Richard Karslake, Oxon
CONTESTANTS on Bullseye. Give your address as the Moon, that way, if you lose, your ‘bus fare home’ will amount to several million pounds.
Steve Chiltern, e-mail
kindle530:
MCDONALD’S. Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they’ve been thrown out of car windows.
Richard Karslake, OxonCONTESTANTS on Bullseye. Give your address as the Moon, that way, if you lose, your ‘bus fare home’ will amount to several million pounds.
Steve Chiltern, e-mail
:lol
I"ll wager some of those adresses(spolling) are fictional.
Barry Tusk,Maida Vale.
GENTLEMEN. Speed up your ■■■■■■■■■■ by playing Benny Hill’s theme tune ‘Yackety Sax’ in the bedroom.
Fisk Kid, e-mail
WAIT TILL your neighbours get into their car, then fool them into thinking the handbrake doesn’t work by pulling their house backwards.
Jimmy Docherty, e-mail
DRIVERS. Spot traffic build-up from miles away by mounting a telescope on your dashboard, thus giving you time to take an alternative route.
David Green, Swinton
MOTORISTS. Deflate all your tyres before putting 20p in the forecourt air-line machine. That way you’ll get your money’s worth.
Oliver Hardy, e-mail
kindle530:
MOTORISTS. Deflate all your tyres before putting 20p in the forecourt air-line machine. That way you’ll get your money’s worth.
Oliver Hardy, e-mail
Couple more from this months viz
Fatties. Make “snuff” using bovril powder to you over between snacks.
Make. Neighbours think you must been a chimpanzee in a former life by having a ■■■■ in your hand and throwing it at them.
Callers To Babestaion. Say there’s a spider on the bed so they’ll get fright and move their hand out the way.
Pretend you’re a chef by wearing checkered pants and smoking a ■■■ round the back of Frankie & Bennys.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one. is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat, by simply ■■■■■■■ in the sink.
FOOTBALL managers. Force the opposition into committing foul after foul for dangerously high feet by fielding a team consisting entirely of dwarves.
Harry Perrin, e-mail
MOTORISTS. When stopped by the police for speeding or driving dangerously, always indignantly point out that they could better spend their time arresting ‘proper’ criminals. I haven’t tried it myself, but I’m sure they’d see your point and let you off with a warning.
Matt Greatorex, e-mail
