Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met

Once upont a time, at a perfect Christmas party, there was a perfect meeting between a perfect man and a perfect woman. They went on a perfect date, and after a perfect courtship, they celebrated a perfect wedding. Their life together was - of course - perfect.

Then, one snowy Christmas Eve, the perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a steep winding road. They noticed a man at the side of the road calling for help. Of course - being the perfect couple - they stopped to see if they could help.

There, at the side of the road, stood father Christmas, with a huge sack full of toys. The perfect couple - not wanting to destroy the magic of Christmas - bundles Father Christmas and his sack into their car, and drove off to start delivering the presents.

The driving conditions were poor, and only ten minutes down the road there was a serious car accident. Unfortunately, only one of the occupants survived.

Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer.)

Of course, the survivor was the perfect woman. Everybody knows that Father Christmas and a Perfect Man don’t exist.

Women, finish here.

Men, keep Scrolling.

Well you see, if there is no perfect man and no Father Christmas, it must have been the woman that was driving. This would explain why there was a car accident. By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this brings up another point: women never listen!

A lady woke up during the night and saw that her husband was not in the bed beside her.

So, the woman searched around the house looking for him and found him sitting at the kitchen table staring folornly into a cup of coffee. He was deep in thought. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye.

“What’s the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked.

“Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?” he asked.

“Yes I do.” she replied.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes I remember.”

“Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail”?”

“Yes I do”, she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

(Q)Why did the woman cross the road?
(A)Who cares? What the hell is she doing out of the kitchen?

(Q) How do you fix a woman’s watch?
(A) You don’t, there’s a clock on the oven.

(Q) How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
(A) None. It should be open when the woman brings it to him.

(Q) Why haven’t women been to the moon ?
(A) Because it doesn’t need cleaning yet!

(Q) Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
(A) So they will match the stove and fridge!

(Q) Why do women have smaller feet than men?
(A) So they can stand closer to the sink.

75-year old Sam goes to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave Sam a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day, Sam reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and Sam explains, "Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then both hands, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your next door neighbor?!”

The old man replied, “Yeah, but no matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t get the ■■■■ top off the jar!”

Chinese Phrases

Ai Bang Mai Ne--------------I bumped into the coffee table

Chin Tu Fat------------------You need a face lift

Dum Gai---------------------A stupid person

Gun Pao Der-----------------An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung---------------Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding--------------We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive

Jan Ne Ka Sun---------------A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia---------------------Approach me

Lao Ze Sho------------------Gilligan’s Island

Lao Zi------------------------Not very good

Lin Ching---------------------An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding---------------A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn-----------------------A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai-----------------------A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be----------------A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne-----------------A small horse

Ten Ding Ba-------------------Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung----------------A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan----------------Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah-----------------Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim-------------------Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting--------------There is no reason to raise your voice

:unamused: bored again I see. Never mind, I hear you’ll have the company of a pink ERF and driver on Sunday … :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

Not me!
Two drivers will though. Dave and I were with him last weekend melting in 42 degrees!