A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford …
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing’s,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it’s not only the passion, Dad.
She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.
We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for
all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son,
Joshua.
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!
Dave was a long distance lorry driver back in the sixties when he had to do a night out in a little village in Norfolk.
He knew that there were no digs in the area so he had prepared his bed in his cab before he ventured out to find the local pub. He walked into the first pub that he came to, there were only about four or five people in the bar who all gave him a cold stare as he came in. Dave asked the landlord if he had any food available and the landlord said apart from packets of crisps he could make him a Ploughman’s lunch. A Ploughman’s lunch and a pint of the local bitter would be fine said Dave and after Dave received his order he went and sat in the corner next to a big log fire. After about four pints a young girl came into the bar, she ordered a Cherry B and sat on the table next to Dave. She looked across at Dave and said “it’s a bit chilly out there tonight”, Dave thought well she seems friendly enough and so he engaged her in conversation. After half an hour they were both getting on really well, Dave told her about some of his lorry driving experiences and the girl told him about the hotel that she worked in near Cromer.
When it came to closing time the girl asked Dave if he would like to go back to her house for a ‘night cap’ Dave jumped at the chance and they set off on the half a mile walk back to her cottage. As they got to the garden gate the girl said there are two conditions before I let you in, what’s that asked Dave.
Well said the girl, I live with my Dad, he will be in bed by now because he has to get up at 4 o’clock to work on the farm so don’t make a noise and wake him up or he will go ballistic and throw us both out. The other condition is that you will have to be out of the house before 4 o’clock. Dave told the girl that he had no problems with that and assured her that he would be on his best behaviour. No sooner had they got inside and sat down on the settee did they start ripping each others clothes off but after about five minutes Dave had to stop and said “can I use your toilet”. No you can’t said the girl because the toilet is upstairs and if you go up there then you are sure to wake my Dad up. 'Well", said Dave I have just got to go as I can’t hang on any longer.
The girl said I know what you blokes are like because I work in a hotel, you can’t be bothered to walk down the corridor in the middle of the night and so you use the wash hand basin in the room. You can’t go upstairs so why don’t you use the kitchen sink but don’t make a noise or else my Dad might wake up. Dave thought that the answer to his problem seemed a bit strange but he couldn’t hold on any longer, anyway she seemed to be alright with this so he sneaked quietly into the kitchen. He had been gone for about five minutes when the girl slightly opened the kitchen door and whispered "are you nearly finished in there ". Yes said Dave “have you got any toilet paper”.
Nice one.
This is true. 2 of us were parked up in Shrewsbury one night and met a couple of lasses in the local. We ended up back at the lorries and sorted my mates load so we could sit and drink in his wagon. Well things got a stage further and my girl and me ended up spending best part of the night squeezed in my Transit. When I woke up, his Mercury had gone, so I ran my lass home and continued to North Wales.
On the Saturday we met up in the works canteen so I asked him if he had scored. He replied " Blowed if I remember, but it was an expensive old night, cos when I got to Wrexham, backed onto the bank and rolled up the back shutter, There she stood shivering. I had to give her £10 to get home!
Jim.
One customer we had wanted to swap a motor so the salesman went to see him and offered a price for his p.e. Customer said “stand in front of me now walk towards me,no closer,no closer” Why said our sales chap.Customer says "I liked to be kissed while I"m being F-----------
Hiya,
Patrick and Michael turned up at their building site and Patrick said I feel like a day off,
if I act like I’m crazy they might just send me home for the day, so he clambers up to a
high spot on the scaffolding hangs upside down shouting I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb,
the foreman said you’ve been overdoing it Patrick take the day off and get some rest at
this point Michael puts his coat and makes for the exit, the foreman shouts across to
Mick and where do you think you’re going to which Miick replied I can’t work in the dark.
thanks harry, long retired.
…he didn’t walk in, he was already there… Its the second bloke who walks in, buys a pint and standing next to the first bloke strikes up a conversation.
‘Hey! You wanna buy a snake?’
I love reading tales about the old days like the one jmc jnr posted. and I am sure that we all remember similar stories so come on, write them down and share them with us all on this thread.
I worked with a bloke called Ken at a couple of different companies, he was thirty years older than me at the time and being on the road all his working life he told me quite a few of his experiences.
A mention of The Coronation Café on another thread reminded me of a time when I was travelling down the A5 with Ken and I said that I hadn’t been in there for a couple of years. Ken told me that one night in the sixties he and his mate had booked a bed each and that most of the blokes were in bed by 11 p.m. He also mentioned that each bed had a chair and a small ex W.D. bedside cupboard next to it with a glass so that you could have a drink of water if you woke up in the middle of the night. Most of the drivers were in their 50’s and 60’s so it wasn’t unusual to see a set of false teeth soaking in the glass overnight.
Just after midnight three Scottish drivers came in very drunk making a hell of a noise waking everybody up. Ken said, come on lads keep the noise down, some of us will have to be up at 5.30 in the morning. Two of the Scottish drivers came over to Ken’s bed and started giving it the “who the (z.b.) are you, are you looking for trouble”. Ken said “no I just want to get some sleep as I have got an early start in the morning”. One of the Scots lads said “well that’s your problem, we don’t have to start until 8 o’clock and if you make a noise and wake us up then I shall come over here and knock yer (z.b.)in head off”.
Ken said that it was another twenty minutes or so before they all shut up and went to sleep and he said that he didn’t get much sleep that night and was glad when his mate woke him up at 5.30 a.m.
The three Scotsmen were snoring away as Ken watched his mate swop all the glasses around with their false teeth in just before they quickly left the room.
I might have told this before but…
Fred Chappell had a tanker division and one of the old drivers was Edgar Bradshaw (long gone), He was an old school man, Phenol in his blood , drove an old Atky. (Gardner and a DB) but he’d only got one good leg (right one, the left one was wood), he only EVER used the clutch for standing starts. He was a good man. Well one night a gang of us (and Edgar) were in digs in London somewhere and us young uns thought it would be good fun to nick Edgars false leg and hide it(he always took it off at night) while he was asleep. Following morning …a loud bellowing “where’s me 'kin leg you bar stewards”.
Bottom line is we left him looking for the leg band eventually we all got home to Batley, Edgar was furious (10 o’clock before he found the leg…Fred went ballistic with us young uns and threatened to sack us all if there was ever a repeat performance.
grumpy old man:
I might have told this before but…
Fred Chappell had a tanker division and one of the old drivers was Edgar Bradshaw (long gone), He was an old school man, Phenol in his blood , drove an old Atky. (Gardner and a DB) but he’d only got one good leg (right one, the left one was wood), he only EVER used the clutch for standing starts. He was a good man. Well one night a gang of us (and Edgar) were in digs in London somewhere and us young uns thought it would be good fun to nick Edgars false leg and hide it(he always took it off at night) while he was asleep. Following morning …a loud bellowing “where’s me 'kin leg you bar stewards”.
Bottom line is we left him looking for the leg band eventually we all got home to Batley, Edgar was furious (10 o’clock before he found the leg…Fred went ballistic with us young uns and threatened to sack us all if there was ever a repeat performance.
Hiya,
Just a thought GOM, when driving a motor with the Gardner/DB set-up, did anyone
“who could drive a bit” ever use the clutch other than when getting underway, I
didn’t unless snatching the old box into crawler in a hurry a la a bit oer the top with
weight and having stopped for brekkie at The Jungle before tackling Shap.
thanks harry, long retired.
I remember being in the wagons, but scarcely remember the places we stopped. I never carried a camera, but my mind is full of pictures.
If we were going to Scotland, we always re-fuelled at Londonderry or if Ireland it was that Shell filling station just outside Liverpool ( something island?) On the continent, it was Shell Euro card with the registration on it, and I had to include my car if I was there. My father was later TM so it was Kosher, but I never had my own. Same with the Hertz credit card I had it when he didn’t need it, and having the same name had it’s benefits - suite in the Crofton Airport Hotel included. The other was the Ba Credit Order pass book which he lent me (Same name).
Sounds like I ripped the firm off, but I travelled hundreds of Kliks using my car several times on the continent from Calais to Brindisi and never charged transport or mileage.
As you all say We did the job whatever it took, including bending the rules - I drove a Mammoth Major and drawbar back to Diss from Lowestoft when I was 17 but It had to be done - as we saw it the job came first - otherwise you were a wimp. My old man used to make a few bob betting the guys on the bank at Birds Eye that his schoolboy trailer mate could back the trailer onto the plate. Dad always won - cos I was walking home if I failed.
I nearly took the hedge down in the dark reversing Wyatt’s only Scammell into the Kings Head carpark in North Lopham when I was 13 years old - Blind Side? You so called drivers on telly at Stobbies. There are members on this site that take my breath away with their achievments. Love it. Jim.
jmc jnr:
I remember being in the wagons, but scarcely remember the places we stopped. I never carried a camera, but my mind is full of pictures.
If we were going to Scotland, we always re-fuelled at Londonderry or if Ireland it was that Shell filling station just outside Liverpool ( something island?) On the continent, it was Shell Euro card with the registration on it, and I had to include my car if I was there. My father was later TM so it was Kosher, but I never had my own. Same with the Hertz credit card I had it when he didn’t need it, and having the same name had it’s benefits - suite in the Crofton Airport Hotel included. The other was the Ba Credit Order pass book which he lent me (Same name).
Sounds like I ripped the firm off, but I travelled hundreds of Kliks using my car several times on the continent from Calais to Brindisi and never charged transport or mileage.
As you all say We did the job whatever it took, including bending the rules - I drove a Mammoth Major and drawbar back to Diss from Lowestoft when I was 17 but It had to be done - as we saw it the job came first - otherwise you were a wimp. My old man used to make a few bob betting the guys on the bank at Birds Eye that his schoolboy trailer mate could back the trailer onto the plate. Dad always won - cos I was walking home if I failed.
I nearly took the hedge down in the dark reversing Wyatt’s only Scammell into the Kings Head carpark in North Lopham when I was 13 years old - Blind Side? You so called drivers on telly at Stobbies. There are members on this site that take my breath away with their achievments. Love it. Jim.
The younger members on this site call themselves Truckers Jim, whereas we were lorry drivers who could double de-clutch and drive lorries without all the mod cons, such as air-conditioning and all the fancy nonsense the must have brigade want these days.
Cheers Dave.
It’s hard to look back at this site and find the best post that was ever posted but I.M.H.O. it’s got to be one of these two from kr 79 and The ■■■■■■■■ Sheeter.
Although, I think that this one just wins by a short leg.
Re: collecting dead animals
by kr79 » Fri Oct 07, 2011 3:48 pm
Back in 2003 I was driving an artic bulker on landfill work for a south London skip firm as well as our own rubbish we did a bit out of other skip yards and council transfer stations.
One firm we pulled out of was a dodgy rough as hell half caravan living people outfit who had a couple of old stables in the yard with a couple of scabby sorry looking donkeys in there. One Thursday afternoon I went in there and one of the donkeys had keeled over and there was already a few flies buzzing round.
The Guvnor wasn’t paying for the pet cemetery and came over and said alright if we put it on you. I said no way you can’t send it down a landfill site so without blinking he pulled out a wad of cash that could have choked a donkey rolled of a 50 and said are you sure. The colour of money clouded my judgement so I took the 50 and said ok but don’t take the ■■■■ with it. I pop down to the café come back and it’s loaded so I Pulled on to the weighbridge all ok so I just shut the easy sheet went back to the yard to park up.
Next morning I got in started the truck and instead of hearing a v8 Scania fire up I got the ominous click of a knackered starter motor and ended up in a spare lorry.
No work Saturday so it was Monday by the time muffin the mule was making his final voyage. 4-30 am I’m in the yard and I’m away down the old Kent road over Blackheath down the A2 and off to the Dartford Tunnel. I got to the barrier and the attendant said your over height. This wasn’t a surprise as my trailer was 15 ft 6 and often something sticking up would set the sensors off. So I said I will go for the right hand tunnel she said no your too high for it pull in to the tanker bay and sort it out.
I pulled in to the bay climbed up to see the now rotting donkey rolled half on it’s back and two rigamorticed legs sticking well up in the air. I opened the easy sheet and tried pushing this stinking thing back on it’s side but it just kept rolling back over. I grabed one of the legs and tried bending it but it was solid as a oak tree.
By this time I was covered in sweat and flys and heard another truck pull up I looked down to see Tony a guy I worked with he climbed up and just said what the [zb]. Now there was two of us trying to roll the dead donkey and bend it’s legs with little sucsess.
He said il be back in a second and returned with a big hacksaw and handed it to me and just said crack on son. My face droped and I said what am I going to do withthat and he replied cut it’s [zb] legs off son. I said I can’t he said I ain’t and have you got a better idea so I set to cutting thrrough the rotting flesh and bone. I was heaving at the blood and maggots going every where but eventualt cut far enough to bend them over. I came down covered in blood with a swarm of flys round me and went through the tunnel and to the landfill at averley.
I tipped it out and the fixer driver jumped out of his d8 saying you can’t tip that here and I had to give him 20 quid to keep his mouth shut.
And from Dennis.
This is a true story,I kid you not! Our depot was adjacent to the MOT Station at Milnthorpe and in the grounds of the station there was a large area of grass that was the sweetest (to a horse) you would ever find,free from artificial chemicals ect ect.Around 1980 when I had ,finally,got my-self a decent Standardbred harness horse,which I stabled in the depot and,at the time trained my-self I regularly at lunch times walked him from his stable into the Test Station and let him graze for half an hour or so on the lead rein.Well this particular lunch time I’m stood near the entrance to Lane 1 (only had one lane!!) The horse is busy enjoying his sweet lunch when this bloke pulls in in a motor right up to the door ready to go in when the station started again.he leans out of his window and asks “what you doing mate?” So I says,“you needn’t think your next in mate,I’m next !” “What you in for for mate?” I says “oh just to run him over the rollers for a brake test!” So without further ado this driver/mechanic gets out of his cab and strides into the station,then I heard the loudest guffawing and laughing in what was usually a bit of an austere atmosphere,a couple of the testers came rolling out of the door with tears streaming down their faces,this driver in all seriousness had enquired how was it possible to “roller brake test the horse that was waiting to enter the station”,the driver came back out having realised the “wind up” and got back in his cab and if looks could have killed me and the horse we would have been dead on that grass !!! Happy Days Cheers Bewick.
After all these years they still bring a smile to my face so thanks for sharing them.
Dave jumped at the chance and they set off on the half a mile walk back to her cottage. As they got to the garden gate the girl said there are two conditions before I let you in, what’s that asked Dave.
Nice one.
…It’s a ■■■■■■■ snake ya eedjit!’
