With the new world becoming increasingly offended at everything, I found this notice on the message board of the company I worked for yesterday -
"Dear Staff
It has been brought to the Managing Director’s attention that some ex-servicemen throughout the organisation have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their civilian work colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may have been easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13 new and innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1.Try Saying: “I think you could do with more training.”
Instead Of: “You don’t have a ■■■■■■■ clue do you Lofty ?”
2.Try Saying: “She’s an aggressive go-getter.”
Instead Of: “She’s a ■■■■■■■ power-crazy ■■■■■.”
3.Try Saying: “Perhaps I can work late.”
Instead Of: “And when the ■■■■ do you expect me to do this ?”
4.Try Saying: “I’m certain that isn’t feasible.”
Instead Of: “■■■■ off you ■■■■■■■■ !”
5.Try Saying: “Really ?”
Instead Of: “Well, ■■■■ me sideways with a telegraph pole !”
6.Try Saying: “Perhaps you should check with…”
Instead Of: “Tell someone who actually gives a ■■■■ !”
7.Try Saying: “I wasn’t involved in the project.”
Instead Of: “Not my ■■■■■■■ problem mate !”
8.Try Saying: “That’s interesting.”
Instead Of: “What the ■■■■?”
9.Try Saying: “I’m not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.”
Instead Of: “No ■■■■■■■ chance mate !”
10.Try Saying: “It will be tight, but I’ll try to schedule it in.”
Instead Of: “Why the ■■■■ didn’t you tell me that yesterday you knob jockey ?”
11.Try Saying: “He’s not familiar with the issues.”
Instead Of: “He’s got his head up his ■■■■■■■ arse !”
12.Try Saying: “Excuse me, Sir.”
Instead Of: “Oi, ■■■■ face !”
13.Try Saying: “Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway.”
Instead Of: “Yeah, who needs quality time with their family anyway eh ■■■■■■■■”
Thank you all and we look forward to a more productive future employment area"
