One reason why Gentlemen who prefer the smooth look should never use creams. it’s fair to say I had tears in my eyes, and not in sympathy with the poster. (Taken from another website.)
Read on:
I’ll never walk down the cosmetics isle again… Or maybe even walk again…
My misses always told me I have the cottage pit of a neolithic mammoth, I’ve always said no love, it’s not that bad and I think you mean paleolithic, although it was thicker than Borat’s tash down there before Veet stepped in.
Anyway one Sunday afternoon she whipped out for some milk and bread and I thought I’d surprise her, as soon as she stepped out the door I ran to the kitchen cupboard and broke out the Veet cream I’d been hiding behind a couple of old tins of Westlers Hamburgers in Gravy that are older than the queen’s mother.
So I ran upstairs hoping to get the whole ordeal done before she got home, I had 20 minutes to get this done.
I whipped off my clothes and took my man bag in hand, giving the hair a little goodbye rub before I entered a life of smoothness.
Being a bit of a renegade I don’t usually read the instructions, and I didn’t have the time to either, I had about 19 minutes before I had to be sprout legged on the bed waiting for the missus to walk in so it had to be done now… I squirted a large splodge in my hands and gave a thick coating around my plums and while I was there I thought to myself ‘Darn it may aswell do the full shabang’ squirted a bit more cream on and creamed my crack around the back.
For a while I walked around the house admiring my manhood and the glory that I was about to behold, sure it started to tingle a bit, and after reading the reviews I expected a lot worse.
I’d say it took around 5 minutes before I thought ‘It was at this moment, I realized I had made a mistake’, in anguish I ran upstairs and grabbed the shower head and stuck the cold tap on full blast, aimed it straight at my ■■■■■■■■, it did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! All that was passing through my head was images of 3rd degree burn patients and firey pit of death rising from my Netherregions. Clumps of tangly dark hair filled the plug hole as I passed over my scrote with the cold water jets, I didn’t even care that it was working at this point, I wanted this inferno to disappear! Thinking off the top of my head I ran to the kitchen and pulled out the ice draw, (Its cold!!) I jousted my hands into the ice and withdrew as much as I could carry, cupping it around my ■■■■■■■■ with my right hand and practically shoving a cube up the rear end with my left. Still nothing, by now about 10 minutes had passed and the pain was immense. At this point I was hating everyone who created this vile gel.
So as I stood with the ice in both hands looking like I was doing some sort of self pleasuring technique, I had to think of something that would take the burn away… Alkaline usually stops acidic substances! Was this gel acidic? Who cares it was worth a try! Dropping the ice and running to the cupboard looking for something alkaline, baking powder, my god I’m a genius! Quickly clearing a path to the bicarbonate I dropped a jar of vinegar on my b*****d toe! Luckily, it didn’t smash into a gazillion pieces, but it still hurt like ****! So now hopping on one foot I digged out the soda, quickly shimmying to a side and popping the lid off… Without hesitation I just threw the powder all over my pubic region and powdered my crack too… Before finally resting my balls into the tub.
Now I don’t know if this made things worse or if it just didn’t help at all, but it still stung like a mother ******.
How can something sting for such a long time■■? I couldn’t bare it any longer, I dropped the bicarb on the floor to create a powdery mess at my feet… Tears almost in my eyes I was giving up hope, then the worst thing happened, the misses was back, EARLY!? I made a dash hobbling for the stairs but she was already standing in the hall, I cannot describe the look she gave me that day, stood stark naked with clumps of hair dangling off my sack and legs, powder all over my lower half and tears filling my eyes… To this day I haven’t lived it down,
Moving on I snatched the bag out of her hands ignoring the ‘What the **** are you doing?’, I emptied it onto the kitchen floor and grabbed for the milk, snapping off the cap and ripping off the seal… I was met by another ‘Don’t you dare d…’ before she could finish I started pouring milk all over my giblets to try and ease the pain… After using an entire 4 pint bottle allover the kitchen floor and receiving a lot of abuse I ran back upstairs to the shower, pursuied by the missus still, back onto the cold water! The searing hot feeling slowly started to diminish after about 2 minutes, I looked to God and said a small Prayer of thanks.
Around about 10 minutes later after things had calmed down I looked south to judge the results, half of the hair was still bloody attached!! It didn’t even work properly, and there was no way I was going through it again.
So I’m left with a crotch that resembles Harvey Dents face and memories that will be ingrained into our heads til the day we die.