Lynx dark temptation (does not work ) complaint sent

having purchased your new lynx temptation i write to express my concern at what can only be called false advertising!!
1stly i never turned a dark chocolate colour
2ndly i did not have my arm pulled off
3rdly i was not chased down the street by a hoard of screaming women
finally i was not bitten on the bum by a young lady
so would you please supply me with a new bottle as this batch was obviously faulty
thank you