London tube drivers

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to
their passengers…

  1. ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service I
    know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
    married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the
    Westbound and go in the opposite direction.’

  2. ‘Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
    E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know
    any further information as soon as I’m given any.’

  3. ‘Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
    last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad
    news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East
    Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.’

  4. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
    security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
    foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time
    together. All together now… ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…’.’

  5. ‘We are now travelling through Baker Street … As you can see, Baker
    Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I
    could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that’.

  6. ‘Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
    professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
    registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.’

  7. During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
    announced in a West Indian drawl: ‘Step right this way for the sauna, ladies
    and gentleman… unfortunately, towels are not provided.’

  1. ‘Let the passengers off the train FIRST!’ (Pause .) ‘Oh go on then, stuff
    yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I’m going home…’
  1. ‘Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please
    hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.’

  2. ‘Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
    doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into
    the doors.’

  3. ‘We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.’

  4. ‘To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
    carriage - what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?’

  5. ‘Please move all baggage away from the doors.’ (Pause…) ‘Please move
    ALL belongings away from the doors.’ (Pause…) 'This is a personal message
    to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put
    the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door
    before I come down there and kick your ■■■■■■■ head in.

  6. ‘May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed
    on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s
    only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.’