Just Like That!

[wheel_nut]

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.’ I thought 'That’s a turn-up for the books.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’ He said ‘Yes, this is my livelihood.’

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who’s speaking please? ’ And a voice said ‘You are.’

So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said 'I’m not stopping you.

“Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home.” "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " “Is it common?” “It’s not unusual.”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.” "What? Because he’s cross-eyed? " “No, because he’s really heavy”

Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” “How’s that?” “Don’t you start”

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, ‘no, the steaks are too high.’

“I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs… but she’s good with the kids…”

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “your round.” The Other one says "so are you, you fat (zb)
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’

Cos it’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘Aaaaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream’ He said Hundreds & thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.’

I went to Millets and said ‘I want to buy a tent.’ He said ‘To camp?’, I said (butchly) ‘Sorry, I want to buy a tent.’ I said ‘I also want to buy a caravan.’ He said ‘Camper?’ I said (campily) ‘Make your mind up.’

So I went to the dentist. He said “Say Aaah.” I said “Why?” He said “My dog’s died.'” “Now, most dentist’s chairs go up and down, don’t they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ‘This is unusual’. And the dentist said to me ‘Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.’”

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said ‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said ‘You’ve been promoted again.’ And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I said ‘I careered off the road.’

Well I liked them

sorry just a bit too obvious mrs mix

[tc]

Tommy was great!

[ladytrucker679]

[kitkat]

very good malc…do yourself a favour,get out more and leave the laptop at home

[liberace]

I’ve read it right the way through and don’t get that one .

[kitkat]

Liberace:
I’ve read it right the way through and don’t get that one .

read them as one liners mate

[hollywood]

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arranged a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and
heat it.

So I said, "Do you want a game of Darts?” he said “OK then”, I said
“Nearest to bull starts”. He said, “Baa”, I said, “Moo”, he said, “You’re
closest”.

You see I’m against hunting; in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up; I
said, "Did you get my drift?”

So I went down the local supermarket, I said, “I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, “Those are pickled onions”.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, “He’s trying to pull a
fast one”.

So I said to this train driver “I want to go to Paris”. He said"Eurostar?”
I said, “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?” He
said, "How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”.

But I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was
Wedgie Cray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
red rose and says, “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, “Waiter, I
asked
for a-ROMATIC duck”.

But I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition
and I won a years supply of Marmite… one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?” I thought, “That’s all I need, a Jehooover’s Witness”.

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes; he’s a catholic
converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller”,
he said “Not you again”.

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check
tablecloth
it took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said, “You remind me of a pepper-pot”, I said “I’ll take that as a
condiment”.

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
even he’s a witch.

And I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s
bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
said, "Are you two an item?”

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I
thought, “That’s a turtle disaster”.

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says “Oi - get out! We don’t want
your type in here”

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t
start anything”

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this
some kind of joke?”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food
in here”

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

a seal walks into a club…

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
“Pint please, and one for the road.”

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But
why?”
They asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer.”

[kitkat]

wrong place