Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he’s heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they’re going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two ‘dogs.’
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
“Which part did you get?”
I got so bored with the same old stuff here on TNUK, I decided to do a jigsaw puzzle. Yeah, desperate! But how many sat-nav and camera in cab threads can we stand? Anyways, took me a day and a half to complete the jigsaw. Must admit I`m quite chuffed with that, the box says 7 to 8 years.
i gave up with jigsaws after trying for 3 month to finish one of a big tiger.
it was dead hard as all the pieces looked the same,then my misses told me it was a packet of frosties.
Here’s to women, a wonder so divine.
She seasons once a month and bares fruit in nine.
She’s the only thing between heaven and hell,
that can extract juice from nuts without crackin the shell!
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, ‘You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around’ he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. ‘Guess I was really into it, you know?’ he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.
‘It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,’ said Officer Taylor. ‘I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin.’
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence …
'I said: ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having ■■■ with a pumpkin??’
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said
"A pumpkin ? " …What ? … Is it midnight already?’
The court (and the judge) could not contain their mirth.
The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best come-back line ever.
Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed
In the hospital,
Wearing an oxygen mask over his
Mouth and nose,
Still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a
Partial sponge bath.
Nurse,’ he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
Testicles black?’
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don’t know,Sir.
I’m only here to wash
Your upper body.’
He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my
Testicles black?’
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
She overcomes her
Embarrassment and sheepishly
Pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his
■■■■■ in one hand and his
Testicles in the other,
Lifting and moving them
Around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren’t and I assure you, there’s nothing wrong
With them, Sir !!’
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
Smiles at her and
Says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was
Wonderful, but listen
Very, very closely…
’ A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - B a c k ? ’
Which Spice Girl can hold the most petrol?
Geri can
Worth reading…
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to £100…
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this…
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay £1.
The sixth would pay £3.
The seventh would pay £7…
The eighth would pay £12.
The ninth would pay £18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.
So, that’s what they decided to do…
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.
“Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by £20”. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just £80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.
So the first four men were unaffected.
They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men?
The paying customers?
How could they divide the £20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
They realised that £20 divided by six is £3.33. But if they
subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.
And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid £2 instead of £3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid £5 instead of £7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid £9 instead of £12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid £14 instead of £18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid £49 instead of £59 (16% saving).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.
“I only got a pound out of the £20 saving,” declared the sixth man.
He pointed to the tenth man,“but he got £10!”
“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a pound too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!”
“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get £10 back, when I got only £2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”
“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!”
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works.
The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction.
Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.
In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics.
My wife rang me at work on Valentine’s Day.
She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received bunches of flowers. They’re absolutely gorgeous.”
I said, "That’s probably why they’ve been sent flowers
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, ‘Did you call for me?’
The man replies, ‘No, what do you mean?’
She says, ‘You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it means that you called for me.’ Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he ■■■■■. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. ’ Did you call for me?’ says the hairy man.
‘No, what do you mean?’ says the newcomer.
'You must be new, 'says the hairy man, ‘it’s a rule that if you ■■■■, it means that you called for me.’ The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, ‘May I help you?’ she says.
The man yells, ‘Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $250 membership fee.’
‘But, Sir,’ she replies, ‘you’ve only been here for a few hours. You havent had the chance to see all our facilities.’
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I’m 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month but I ■■■■ 15 times a day.
A woman was being shown around the local hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was ■■■■■■■■■■■■ furiously.
“Oh my GOD!” screamed the woman. “That’s disgraceful! … Why is he doing that?” The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, “I’m very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with ■■■■■, and if he doesn’t do that at least five times a day, he’ll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.”
“Oh well… in that case, I guess it’s okay” said the woman…
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral ■■■ on him.
Again, the woman screamed, “Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?”
The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, but he has private health insurance
Boris was visiting a school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr boris if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘Tragedy’.
So Mr. Boris asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy?
A little boy stood up and said, 'If a man walks out in front of a bus and is killed stone dead, then that is a tragedy."
‘Incorrect,’ said boris ‘That would merely be an accident.’
A little girl stood up and said ‘If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.’
‘I’m afraid not’, said boris ‘That’s what we would call a great loss’.
The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. Boris searched the room.
‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’
Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, ‘If a plane carrying you and all your party was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.’
‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed boris. ‘And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?’
‘Well,’ said little Johnny, ‘It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be a ■■■■■■■ accident either’ 
A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, “It’s a lot of money…!” The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash on his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, where did you get this money?” The old lady replied, “I make bets.”
The president then asked, “Bets…? What kind of bets…?” The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.” “Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”
The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet…?” “Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square…!” The old lady said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness…?” “Sure…!” replied the confident president.
That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square…!”
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president said, “What wrong with your lawyer…?”
She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I’d have the Bank president’s balls in my hand…!”
The first said: “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes”.
The Second, not to be outdone, said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special lavender oil from Provence and I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight.”
The third said, “That’s nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, y’know, all over her body with homemade butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter and I made her scream for two long hours.”
The first two, astonished, asked, "Two full hours?! Wow!!! That’s phenomenal! How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?!”
He replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains.
Paddy’s wife has never had an ■■■■■■ so they go to the doctors.
After test the doctor suggests Paddy’s wife may be overheating during ■■■.
Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during ■■■.
After 20 minutes of wafting still no ■■■■■■, so his friend suggest a swap. “I’ll ■■■■ her and you waft the towel”.
Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy’s wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best ■■■■■■ ever.
Paddy turns to his mate slowly and says “That my friend is how you waft a fuppin towel!”
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
‘Well, it’s quite simple, really,’ says the seller, ‘whenever the bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.’
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ‘I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.’ ‘When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.’
‘No problem,’ he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom…
‘She’s got a great body,’ he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her ■■■■■■■, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big ■■■■■■, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still, Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket…
Suddenly the father shouted…
'I’ll do the ■■■*in dishes!
I met and older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably has a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a sportsman’s double?
“What’s that” I asked. “It’s a mother and daughter ■■■■■■■■■”, she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said “No, I haven’t”.
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night”.
We went back to her place. We walked in. she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom
A guy sitting at a bar
He was throwing money around, giving the Barman hundred dollar tips and buying drinks for everyone.
He was surrounded by a crowd of Adoring Women.
The Barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a Little Man that would Jump from the Rich Guy’s pocket.
The Little Man would run up and down the Bar, kicking over the Bowls of Peanuts and giving other customers, The Finger.
Then the Little Guy would jump back into the Man’s Jacket for a while.
The Barman went over and asked the guy what was up…■■?
So the Rich Guy says,
“Well Buddy, let me tell you a little story. I was walking along a Beach one day, and I come across this Lamp. so I rub it, and a Genie pops out. I got Three Wishes, so my First Wish was to be fabulously Wealthy. Then I wished for a Harem of beautiful 21 year olds girls. You can see I got both.”
The Barman asks, “So what about your Third Wish”…■■
“Ohh, THAT,” mumbles the Rich Guy, pointing to the Little Man.
“That’s the Twelve-Inch Prick I wished for.”
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?” "Well, "he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”
“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent.”
I asked “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”
“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. ‘Since you’ve such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.’
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ’
I want to hang out with God.’
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, ‘Okay, so you were the
one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?
Arthur said, ‘Yeah, that’s me…’
God commented: ‘Well, what’s the big deal in inventing
something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution,
and can’t run without a road?’
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, ‘Excuse me,
but aren’t you the inventor of woman?’
God said, ‘Ah, yes.’
Well,’ said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have
some major design flaws in your invention!