Jokes

OUT OF HOURS BULLY'S TRUCKSTOP BAR (INTERACTIVE)
21

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of whiskey in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his whiskey.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she asks. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asks solemnly.

“Yes, I do,” she replies.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”

“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, “Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?”

“I remember that, too,” she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today.”

22

3 men die on Xmas eve, to get into heaven St Peter says “you must have something on you that represents Xmas”

The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says “it’s a candle”, St Peter lets him pass.
The Welsh man jingles his keys and says “they’re sleigh bells”, St Peter lets him pass,
The Irish man pulls out a G String and bra, St Peter says “how the ■■■■ do they represent Xmas?”… Paddy says "they’re Carols”…

23

[emoji106]

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24

A tourist is driving around the back roads of Kerry and he sees a sign in front of a broken down cottage: “Talking Dog For Sale”

He knocks on the door and the owner appears and tells him the dog is around the back.

The guy goes around the back and sees a scruffy looking mongrel.

‘Are you a talking dog?’ he asks.

‘Yeah,’ the dog replies.

After the tourist recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what’s your

story?’ The mongrel looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Gardai.

In no time at all they had me jetting from county to county, sitting in clubs and pubs with criminals and suspected bank robbers, because no one thought a dog would be eavesdropping.’ 'I was one of the Garda’s most valuable sources of information for eight years running…

But the travelling around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security with Customs, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some big drug shipments and was given a batch of medals and awards.’

‘I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Twenty euros,’ the guy says.

‘Twenty euros? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

'Because he’s a pure Bull****ter . He’s never been out of the parish.

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25

dunchues:
A tourist is driving around the back roads of Kerry and he sees a sign in front of a broken down cottage: “Talking Dog For Sale”

He knocks on the door and the owner appears and tells him the dog is around the back.

The guy goes around the back and sees a scruffy looking mongrel.

‘Are you a talking dog?’ he asks.

‘Yeah,’ the dog replies.

After the tourist recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what’s your

story?’ The mongrel looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Gardai.

In no time at all they had me jetting from county to county, sitting in clubs and pubs with criminals and suspected bank robbers, because no one thought a dog would be eavesdropping.’ 'I was one of the Garda’s most valuable sources of information for eight years running…

But the travelling around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security with Customs, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some big drug shipments and was given a batch of medals and awards.’

‘I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Twenty euros,’ the guy says.

‘Twenty euros? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

'Because he’s a pure Bull****ter . He’s never been out of the parish.

Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk

Was trying to share and reposted by mistake, but it’s funny enough to read twice anyway

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26

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
“Heavens no, we bought it.”
“Then why don’t you drive it away?”
“We can’t drive."
“Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a used car here we were going to get screwed. So we’re just waiting.”

27

A man owned a small farm in Ireland. The Irish Internal Revenue
determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an
investigator out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!”,
demanded the investigator.

“Well,” replied the farmer, "there’s my farm hand who’s been with
me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and
board.

“The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week
plus free room and board.”

“Then there’s the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and
does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a
week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of
whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife
occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to…the halfwit!” said the agent.

“That would be me,” replied the farmer…

28

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in another
race, and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR’S
■■■ OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter
the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR’S
■■■
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ■■■ IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS
■■■ FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where
it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ■■■ IS WILD AND FREE
The Bishop was buried the next day

29

Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, ‘You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around’ he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. ‘Guess I was really into it, you know?’ he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.
T
‘It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,’ said Officer Taylor. ‘I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin.’

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence …
'I said: ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having ■■■ with a pumpkin??’

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said

"A pumpkin ? " …What ? … Is it midnight already?’

The court (and the judge) could not contain their mirth.

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best come-back line ever.

30

Two elderly ladies were talking.

“At our age, I don’t know what would be worse;
Parkinson”s or Alzheimer”s?" one said.

Her wise friend answered, “Oh I’d rather have
Parkinson’s, definitely Parkinson’s. Better to
spill half my wine than to forget where I keep
the bottle."

31

A NUN AT HOOTERS

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’

‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’

‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender,

‘Would you like a drink?’

‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?

32

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!
5: I’ve never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10: Don’t play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!
19: I’m so full, I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want more

33

An 18 year old Mayo girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. That I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.” “Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a €2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a €4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and €2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “You ride her again.”

34

Bigtruck3:
Two elderly ladies were talking.

“At our age, I don’t know what would be worse;
Parkinson”s or Alzheimer”s?" one said.

Her wise friend answered, “Oh I’d rather have
Parkinson’s, definitely Parkinson’s. Better to
spill half my wine than to forget where I keep
the bottle."

This is TruckNet your the joke I think you might be ill
Seriously the ■■■■ you come up you are definitely ill

35

robthedog:
This is TruckNet your the joke I think you might be ill
Seriously the [zb] you come up you are definitely ill

Just put him on ignore Rob. Seriously mate life’s too short and this is only the internet. Trust me, you’ll be happier.

36

robthedog:

Bigtruck3:
Two elderly ladies were talking.

“At our age, I don’t know what would be worse;
Parkinson”s or Alzheimer”s?" one said.

Her wise friend answered, “Oh I’d rather have
Parkinson’s, definitely Parkinson’s. Better to
spill half my wine than to forget where I keep
the bottle."

This is TruckNet your the joke I think you might be ill
Seriously the [zb] you come up you are definitely ill

Its bullys trucknet, you really are a barrel of laughter or would that be a pain or a crank old before your time more like

37

38

lancpudn:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
wheres the like button when you need one… :slight_smile:

39

dieseldog999:
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
wheres the like button when you need one… :slight_smile:

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40

There is a factory in Northern Wisconsin which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. “I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…“Your job is to give Elmo two test trickles.”