Boy walks along, car pulls up. Man says “I’ll give you £10.00 and a bag of sweets if you get in the car”.
Boy says “No Way”.
Man says “£50.00 and a bag of sweets”.
Boy says “Leave me alone”.
Man says “£100.00 and a bag of sweets”.
Boy yells “(Zb) Off Dad you bought the Skoda you live with it” 
your gonna get a zb soon tho
I was at the tills the other day at our local shop with a trolley full.
A little old lady was behind me and she only had a pint of milk, I said, Is that all that you have got luv?
She said Yes…I said if I were you, I’d (zb) then cos I’m going to be ages !!!
A construction boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Irishman. Not wanting to employ him he said, “You gotta pass my test first, Here’s your first question.”
“Without using numbers represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” the Irishman says. “Dat’s easy,” and proceeds to draw 3 trees.
“What’s this?” the foreman asks.
“Well, tree and tree and tree make nine,” says the Irishman.
“Fair enough,” replies the foreman. “Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture of the three trees and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.”
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” ! ;
“Each of da trees is dirty now! So dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat is 99!”
“All right. Last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
The Irishman stares into space again, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, “Ere you go. One hundred!”
The foreman looks at the attempt. “How in the world does this represent a hundred?”
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says,
"A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you’ve got dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and turd, and dat make one 'undred.
So when do I start work?"
That’s brilliant bubsy06 - keep them coming !!!
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, ■■■■!, the light goes on. When I’m done, ■■■■ ! the light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife.
“Ethel,” he says, “George is doing fine but I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *■■■■ *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, ■■■■! the light goes off?”
“OH MY GAWD!” Ethel exclaims. '“He’s ■■■■■■■ in the fridge again!!!”.
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, ‘What a great chest you have!’
He tells her, ‘That’s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby.’
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, ‘What massive calves you have!’
The body builder tells her, ‘That’s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby.’
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, ‘I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!!!’