desypete:
Funny enough I have just f
arted while reading this thread
Welcome back Pete, haven’t heard from you for a while.
I was thinking of you the other day in Asda, how you coping with the carrier bag situation these days now that they aint free anymore, or are you taking the… parking beside a bog option these days. 
btw.: Not after a spat, in enough agro on here as it is 
I’m just joshing buddy. 
robroy:
desypete:
Funny enough I have just f
arted while reading this threadWelcome back Pete, haven’t heard from you for a while.
I was thinking of you the other day in Asda, how you coping with the carrier bag situation these days now that they aint free anymore, or are you taking the… parking beside a bog option these days.btw.: Not after a spat, in enough agro on here as it is
i am doing ok ish thanks for asking but i am a bit fed up as the days of a free turd session in a bag are over 5p a crap has forced me now to use the toilets
wildfire:
my record was 42 seconds for one continuous ■■■■!!! but i do have good musle control
seems like if you had given it a bit more choke you would of started 
The thread that just won’t flush.
What a ■■■■■■■■■ story. Couldn’t help a laugh.
I have a not very funny ■■■■ story.
To paint the picture a bit the wife and I where a little tipsy one Saturday evening, kids had gone out, nothing good on telly so I enquired if perchance we could retire to the boudoir early.
Now instinct takes over here as the wife’s reaction will reveal if a few moments of passion is on the cards.
As luck would have it my enquiry was met with a cheeky smile, a slight blush and glint in the eye that triggers my little chap into a more awakened state as there’s a good chance he might be needed.
I won’t bore you with the preliminaries but the usual quick ■■■■■■■■■■ followed by me getting settled then having to fetch the water then having to get up again to let the dogs out then getting up once again to let the cat out who was hiding under the bed.
All missions completed we settled in to our usual routine of pre coitus cuddling.
There’s no point going into great detail as I’m on the wrong forum for that but eventually I found myself taking the wife from behind as nature intended.
Now the usual moans and groans began albeit with the wife informing me her tummy hurt, as you can imagine I’m past the point of caring or return at this stage so carry-on regardless.
A few thrusts further along the wife’s moans where getting even more intense and a slight ■■■■ erupted from what I thought was her front bottom. As usual to spare her blushes I ignored it, this mistake would prove costly especially as it was followed by a strong odour.
Anyway battling on the wife began screaming No, No, No, Oh my God etc which got me thinking that this was one of my better performances.
What happened next is a bit of a blur but a gushing warm, wet sensation was felt round my nethers which triggered a toe curling moment from me also.
I reckon for about 1second I felt quite chuffed with my performance till reality dawned.
The wife screaming ‘get off’ made me look down at what can only be described as a serious accident at the Willy Wonka factory, I was plastered in poop, the accompanying stench triggered an upchuck of projectile vomit all over the bed and a bit on the wife, which also triggered her to throw up as well.
Unbeknown to us the children had arrived home with the mother in law who had given them a lift.
Hearing the commotion the mother in law was on her way up to investigate so I rammed myself against the door and the wife shouted that everything was OK, thanks for dropping the kids off and she would pop in for coffee tomorrow.
Now as lies go this was a whopper as everything was far from OK, there was ■■■ and sick everywhere (mostly on us) and even my attempt to lighten the mood by offering to take a picture didn’t help.
Instead we took it in turns to sneak into the bathroom then tried our best to clean the bed.
It was weeks before I was allowed any action again.
It is the fun because mans not know who trumping in the taxis but yes womans does because it her with a specials electric trumping box.
Cooper123:
It is the fun because mans not know who trumping in the taxis but yes womans does because it her with a specials electric trumping box.
I’ve got a set of instructions for a Chinese dishwasher that read like this. Say what?